From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Snuggie is a product that you want, but you mock. Your denial that you really do want a Snuggie is just one of the things keeping you from being honest with yourself and successful in your life. In your heart of hearts, you know that the Snuggie is more than a blanket, it's more than a robe turned back-wards without belt loops. A Snuggie is more than the happiness that you desire deep down in that little child that you hide from the world.
Snuggie is the love you so rightly deserve and the love that has been denied to you.
Admit that you watch the Snuggie infocommercial in wonder and with awe. It's a blanket; Snuggie keeps you warm. It has arms; Snuggie lets you do pleasurable things. Need to change the channel? Need to stroke your cat? The Snuggie lets you do these things, and all for the unbelievably low price of just $19.95 for two Snuggies (plus shipping and handling).
And look at the people in the commercial. They are happy. And they haven't denied themselves Snuggie, have they?
But wait, there's more!
Buying a Snuggie means that you get two Snuggies. That is right, you buy one, you get two. With the Snuggie, you are never alone. You don't need two Snuggies, but you can give a Snuggie to another person like you. Someone who you know who has been set apart from the world, and ignored because they also deserve the love that has been denied to them. And by the two of you both putting on Snuggies, then people will know that you are two of a kind - two people who have given their lives to Snuggie.
But people who point and mock you secretly envy you because you have what they long for: a Snuggie to love them too. If these people could just surrender the money that keeps them unhappy and give that to the makers of Snuggie, then they too could have happiness. So when you buy a Snuggie, or six, you make yourself happy by getting rid of that money that makes you so unhappy. The Snuggie people would be happy to take on your burden - they want you to be happy; they want to help you feel special.
Snuggie attracts Snuggie
As you come to understand the Snuggie, you will encounter people who will want you to take your Snuggie off. These are people who you need to purge from your life - they are toxic and can only be purified by submitting their money for a Snuggie. It is the only way to be happy, like you. This may mean that you can not have contact with your mother, your father or your best friend.
Well before Snuggie, these people kept you from feeling the type of warm love that only Snuggie's 185 pound synthetic pile gives you. These people took from you. They said they loved you, but did you ever feel the type of enveloping warmth that Snuggie gives you? No, even when you think of good memories, the truth is that they made you unhappy.
But Snuggie keeps you warm and happy!
If you can't be around other people who love Snuggie as you do, why spend your time being unhappy? You must expel them from your life and never have contact with them unless the other Snuggies are present to support you. Snuggie is all that you need. And other people in their Snuggies is all that you will ever want.
A Snuggie of a different color
Snuggie comes in Berry, which is a happy color, Blue, which is a soothing color, and Sage green, which is an earth friendly color. Snuggie is happiness. Being with other Snuggie wearers in the same color shows your friendships to others. These friendships can never be broken because each of you wills it to be this way.
If you are extremely lucky, you might even be able to find the rare Leopard Snuggie, which can only be found in the Shrine of Snuggie.
And we know of someone who has ascended to the White Snuggie. Would you like a White Snuggie? Well, a White Snuggie is a special Snuggie, and it is worn by the head Snuggie. So when you see the person in the white Snuggie, you must show your reverence by bowing to the White Snuggie.
Open your heart, let this better Snuggie fill it with eternal life. Once you see how the Snuggie can warm your heart, you will live forever, even after you drink the Snuggie juice that releases you from your body to be one with the Eternal Snuggie, the creator of all.
And all of this can be yours for just $19.95