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“Nope. Never seen one.
Yeah, sure, I KNOW that they exist.
Look, I don't want to have this conversation.”
“Your lies hurt me, Oscar, but we are certainly still on for the movie tomorrow.”
Snuff Films are courageous testaments to the power of human nature as well as the absolute beauty of tobacco abuse by old men with moustaches. They usually depict the blurry murder of an unknown person as well as excessive sniffling and sneezing. Known for their light entertainment value, they have been attributed for the resurgence of snuff use amongst the youth of today (that and happy-slapping).
The snuff film originated after the discovery of America when tobacco became readily available for overweight men with mustaches and a penchant for gruesome violence and grainy footage. Of course the first snuff films were snuff plays in which the protagonist murdered the actor after doing a line of snuff from his mustache. The native Americans had been producing snuff plays for years. In Mexico the Aztecs had a long tradition of producing all singing, all killing snuff extravaganzas on top of their temples until the Spanish gave them all colds and boxes of infected tissues.
It took an Englishman in a puffer jacket and knee stockings to introduce the art of Snuff entertainment in Europe. Sir Walter Raleigh added Snuff films to his collection of tobacco pipes, potatoes and rally bicycles. Seeing their potential as 'edgy art', Raleigh got to stage Everything that Ends Well, Ends in Snuff at the Globe Theatre in London whilst William Shakespeare was resting back in Stratford-upon-Avon.
So popular were Raleigh's 'Snuffdramas' that King James put down his bible and backed a new snuff production titled 'El Dorado'. The production bombed and as an enraged investor, James had Raleigh's head removed from his neck - thus becoming the first known director to lose his own life in a snuff play.
Despite these set backs, Snuff entertainment was popular with the masses. This encouraged William Digital-Movie Camera to invent his pivotal invention, the VHS recorder. Armed bands of perverts prowled the backstreets of Luton looking for suitable victims, but were thwarted in their searches by their incessant sneezing.
Realising the flaws inherrant to this tactic the Snuffites (as they were now known) trained voles to bring in their prey for making the first Snuff Film. Known as "Sneeze White" the victim was forced to consume poisoned apples whilst masked and sneezing men did pinches of snuff over her limp corpse. This became the gold standard for snuff films, most of them using laboured puns on films as titles.
Including, but not limited to:
- Lady and the Snuff
- Robbin Snuff: Prince of Sneeze
- Mr. Snuff Goes to Maryland
- The 400 Snuffs (a.k.a. The First, Last, and Only Snuff Orgy)
- Snuff!: The Musical! (a.k.a. Cum On My Corpse, Please!: The Musical!)
- Parenthetical Snuff (a.k.a. (Snuff))
- Snuff (a.k.a. Chocolat )
- Snuffleupagus and I
And of course the Spaghetti Snuff Trilogy:
- A Fist Full of Snuff
- The Good, the Bad, & the Sneezy
- Once Upon a Time in the Snuff
The contents of these films never really differed, but continued to delight fans all over the globe with their hilarious murders and irreverent treatment of mucus as lubricant.
edit Snuff Facts
- Usually starring old men (with snuff).
- The motto for most snuff films is either "AAAHCHOOO!" or "No... NO!!! Get away!!"
- The gurgley throat-slit sound is usually done in post.
- Lyndon B. Johnson disliked snuff films, despite running on the Snuff Platform in '63 (see JFK).
- Lyndon B. Johnson preferred Chewing-tobacco films instead.
- Quality of visuals and/or entertainment value often varies between each kill/orgasm/sneeze.
- Pulitzer-Prize winning author Doris Lessing's book Briefing for a Descent into Hell posits that the history of Earth follows the snuff film formula.
- You should buy Pulitzer-Prize winning author Doris Lessing's book Briefing for a Descent into Hell for only $19.99 in all good bookshops!