Snoop Dog
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“The best pimp we ever had. And him being a dog makes the word bitch make more sense.”
~ Various Bitches on Snoop Dog
“-Silence and random yelps-”
~ Snoopy on Snoop Dog
“Oh I can pop that motha fucka fulla lead any time... 'Cept then he probbably wouldn't come back with the stick I threw him...”
~ Snoop Dogg on Snoop Dog
“His whores gave me herpes and AIDS. I have to go and kill myself now... Good bye cruel world.”
~ Charlie Brown on Snoop Dog
“...”
~ Claude Speed on snoop dog
Snoop Dog iz da urban pimpster half brudda o' Snoopy. Snoopy'smudda wuz uh beeotch (in both terms o' da word) an' so slept around wiff many other dogs. Snoop'sfather iz Brian, who later played uh dog in Family Guy, who iz actually black, though albino. This confused identity led Brian ta lash out against blacks, including Snoop, his own son. In fact, at da age o' 5, Snoop wuz already persecuted by Casper The Friendly Ghost, uh member o' da Klu Klux Klan. His brudda Snoopy also tended ta scorn Snoop fo' his race, instead befriending small Asian birds, relationships dat soon brought him Avian Bird Flu. As Brian wuz an alcoholic, Snoop wuz often beaten wiff nearby puns an' poorly crafted humor, which caused him internal bleeding. At da age o' 15, Snoop ventured out on his own on Suburbia'sstreets an' became uh pimp. ya'll is mad stupid.
Contents |
[edit] Pimping Career
Snoop became a very sucessful pimp because, from the beginning, he provided quality whores which were extremely durable. He began by rounding up neighborhood girls and, after burning down their lemonade stands, causing them an overwhelming debt of 25 cents, they were forced to sell off their bodies to pay for damages, at which point he took them under his wing. At first, he began to pimp them off to the local boys, but seeing as they did not know what to do besides make the sluts do their homework for them, he targeted an older market. The local retirement home had a surprising number of pedophiles willing to buy his whores, and so he grew quite affluent. He also tried selling vacumn cleaners but this gig was not nearly as sucessful.
[edit] Rapping Career
Soon after he gained a reasonable amount of money from exploiting women, Snoop decided to further his career by becoming a rapper, and rapping about his life of being a pimp and a gangster. Notably, this makes him the only rapper to have actually sung about these things, who actually did them. The rest are just extremely sunburnt white men from Australia. After seeing his half-brother's sucessful career, Snoopy and his wife Snoop Dogg decided to immitate it, hoping to confuse the public and bring Snoop down. Their efforts worked, as Snoop soon was forced to declare bankruptcy and retire. OOOH! and we were forgetting the most important fact; there is not a day that he doesnt make ME horny!
[edit] Pirate Ninja Career
Snoop soon found hope in an extremely old man in a retirement home in Miami. This man claimed to be named Kakashi Sensai, a ninja, and yelled out random life lessons at bricks he had drawn faces on, which he called his students. As he was balding, Snoop placed himself upon his scalp and pretended to be the man's conscience. He told him to escape and become a pirate, which Kakashi did. As soon as he used his retirement funds to purchase a pirate ship and crew, Snoop began to play loud rock music about lesbians, which gave Kakashi a heart attack, killing him. Snoop began to sail towards Cuba, to get him some smokes, but his ship was soon shot down by The Red Baron, his brother in disguise as a pilot.
[edit] Death
Pretty obviously, the explosion of the ship killed Snoop. He died in peace... if dying in peace means asploding into tiny smithereens which were soon eaten by bloodthirsty mermaids.
Some people believe Snoop was in fact not killed by the asplosion, and in fact escaped and was killed in 2001 by one of his bitches posessed by the spirit of Eazy E.
