Sniper
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“One minute you're just walkin' down the street, doin' your rounds, the next... BAM! You're gone faster than the milkspoiler fairy on a hot summer's day in the 1450's, with the dog lookin' for a place to go”
“BOOM HEAD SHOT.”
A sniper is a murderous bastard pansy anyone or anything that shoots you when you can't shoot it. They are used extensively in the military, paramilitary, militia, police, rebel, Halo, mafia, angry mob, rioting angry mob, and alien capacities. If you know a sniper is set up and about to attack you, chances are you are already dead.
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[edit] Strategy
As described above, snipers tend to watch enemies from a location where they can't possibly be found, attacked, murdered, mutilated, tortured, raped, teabagged, or waterboarded, and then will kill from a distance. Ideally, these snipers have good aim and a silencer, and will leave as soon as they have taken out their target. Ideally, they where never seen, heard, or psionically noticed. They are deployed when the situation is such that there is no possible way to take out the target without causing a riot of one kind or another.
All snipers require a perch. This is that special location where the sniper may not be seen from. These locations are individually selected, and are constantly changing. A sniper can rarely stay in one location too long, lest the area's resources dry up. Each perch is hand-selected, and often rather run down. The kind of location you'd have to ask yourself "who would ever bother to go up there" when you hear that someone's up in it.
[edit] Habitat & Environmental issues
The area around a sniper's perch, that hides it, is often called a sniper's 'habitat.' Within this zone, the sniper can get a soda or a bag of chips that he has stored away for the winter without fear of losing what cover he may have. Most Sniper habitats take the form of rooftops, billboards, brushy hilltops overlooking routes of transit, and other such secluded high places. These locations tend to have excellent views, which is why many species of snipers have become endangered recently, what with all the destruction of habitat by apartment renovators, neighborhood invigoration committees, and other such industrialist scum. Many environmentalists have recently attempted to ban renovation on certain buildings, trying to preserve the habitat of such species. However, all of these environmentalists recently vanished in a single rally, up near one of the proposed habitats, cause unknown.
Other known habitats of Snipers include military bases, where they often live in captivity, occasionally venturing out to go on hunting sprees alongside other military personnel. However, the sniper environmentalist movement,
[edit] Controversy
Some people argue that, if snipers are so secretive, how do you know they exist? The answer to that question came when the questioner mysteriously ceased to talk. At the risk of winding up like him, however, the rest of his suicidal school of thought insisted upon their arguments being repeated here. Be sure to throughly scoff at these. Or else.
But first, we'll explain to you exactly WHY our train of thought believes that snipers exist.
[edit] Arguments for the existence of snipers
- It's a simple tactical necessity for guarding certain areas or for taking out an enemy: hit them while they can't hit you.
- There is absolutely no evidence saying they don't exist, and plenty of circumstantial, recorded, video, planted, photoshopped, fake, and downright worthless evidence that says they DO exist!
- The internet says they exist!
If none of those have yet convinced you, proof can be obtained by walking along a secluded path in a war zone, and shouting offensive-sounding jargon for 15 minutes. Tell us what your results are. We will be waiting at a nearby hunting perch for you to tell us.
[edit] Arguments against the existence of snipers
- If no one sees them, and no one can notice them because they're so secretive, how do we know they exist? Couldn't the people just be dieing from comets that burn up in their' heads?
- According to the Laws of reality, how can they ever be successful? And if they are never successful, why would anyone be one?
- The Internet says they don't exist!
- The sniper's a spy!
[edit] Arguments against the arguments against the existence of snipers
- Occam's Razor
- If you properly apply the Thermodynamic conjunction function to the Laws of reality, you would find that your argument was completely worthless. Also, LOOK BEHIND YOU!
- BAH! I laugh at your poor excuse for an argument without even explaining why!
