Snapple
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poop to be confused with SnApple, the tin-infused fruit.
“I cannot see what the fuck I'm drinking, but damn does it ever taste good.”
~ Stevie Wonder on Snapple™
“Snapple™ is indeed a necessity to resupply my sweat glands.”
~ Steve Ballmer on Snapple™
“Well I remember, fifty years ago, my dad would gather up some black folks and transfer them back to the plantations on the Snapple™ Tea Ships.”
~ Michael Richards on Snapple™ Tea Ships
Snapple™ is a fruit drink reportedly made from "The Best Stuff on Earth." It is unclear what, precisely, this stuff is, although there are a number of unfounded theories. The most prominent of these is that the Best Stuff on Earth consists of a blend of imported Toyota Starlet Glanzas, iridescent paint, family chocolate, happiness extracted from small Vietnamese children and sweet chili sauce, with a dash of your mom. It is also assumed that it must share most of the ingredients of little girls, who are made from, among other things, everything nice. The Kiwi Strawberry flavor snapple in fact has a small picture of a koala on the front. With this much evidence it is said that Kiwi Strawberry Snapple is made from Koalas. Many parts of American and the UK refer this beverage as "Koala blood".
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[edit] History of the company
Snapple™ was invented by accident in 1492, when a ship carrying a cargo container of the ingredients listed above crashed into a ball bearing somewhere off the coast of Zanzibar Land. The substances combined in an exothermic chemical reaction, later termed "schnappalification" by noted scientician Tom Cruise, a process for which the drink is named.
[edit] Medical advisory
Drinking Snapple™ has proven by scientists in Granini Gorski to prevent dangerous diseases such as face rot and hangovers. As usual, is it recommended that you consult your pediatrician prior to drinking anything.
Snapple™ is also rumored to be toxic to Australians, and tests are being conducted in Sydney to confirm this.
[edit] Controversy
The activist group PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Fruits) has protested the Snapple™ factories' fruit-processing techniques. Factory workers usually fend them off by squirting lemon juice in their eyes and branding their foreheads with a Snapple™ "Fun Fact" (see below). They threw cows at the factories.
[edit] "Fun Facts"
Under each cap of Snapple™ is a layer of human hair, beneath which is printed a "Fun Fact". The following are some examples:
- Fun Fact #3: Over 10,000 birds die each year from smashing into windows.
- Fun Fact #6: The ashes of the average cremated person weigh almost nine pounds.
- Fun Fact #38: Brussels sprouts plan to take over the Earth in 2011. Eat them all now.
- Fun Fact #62: The U.S Surgeon General says consuming this drink may cause kidney cancer.
- Fun Fact #63: It's malignant. You have three weeks.
- Fun Fact #67: Duck!
- Fun Fact #68 You can thank me later after we sneak our way out of here.
- Fun Fact #69: Ask your parents about 69 today!
- Fun Fact #94: That hair once belonged to Nancy Reagan, and to the Mahatma Gandhi before her.
- Fun Fact #102: "We're not responsible for any mental damage or beverage may cause."
- Fun Fact #133: Do a barrel roll!
- Fun Fact #140: Made with real lepers
- Fun Fact #145: Made from the best stuff on Earth, as well as bits of real panther.
- Fun Fact #153: If you dry this up you can sniff it like crack!
- Fun Fact #155: Buy the iLard today.
- Fun Fact #420: Dude!
- Fun Fact #666: Hallowed are the Ori
- Fun Fact #857: Now with real bat's urine
- Fun Fact #1337: 0m9 3p1( h4x0r
Should you uncover any of these facts yourself on a Snapple™, Uncyclopedia takes no responsibility for any resultant life-altering decisions.
