Severus Snape
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“I didn't know I was a wizard in a past life...”
~ Trent Reznor on Snape
“I trust Severus with my life.”
~ Dumbledore on Snape
“In Soviet Russia, Dumbledore kills YOU, Snape!”
“I'm going to give you a clue...let's just say the only reason I'm nervous in his class is because Snape rhymes with RAPE.”
~ Neville Longbottom on his own insecurities
“Not another Oscar Wilde wannabe”
~ Captain Obvious on Snape
Severus "On A Plane" Snape, (January 9, 1960 - April 28, 2009) is known worldwide for raping Albus Dumbledore, was once a rap artist known as, "Da Grease" for his whiteness. He went to Mercersburg academy for a few years, but dropped out to proceed his music career. Most of his album flopped and he was forced to work at Hogwarts. Snape was named the 5th scariest person ever in a poll by George W. Bush, ranking below Saddam Hussein, Cherie Blair, the Bogeyman, the Grim Reaper and vengeful Jesus.
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[edit] After Music
When Bob Saget and the cast of Full House rose to power in France's sewers, Snape decided to join them, as he was seeking revenge from the Eskimos, who had been persecuting him because of his albino skin.
After minor victories in Europe, Snape was captured by The Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana during the Best of Both Worlds Tour aka The Invasion of Virginia.
Snape was taken to the sultan's palace in Washington, D.C. (the province, not the capital) where he was forced to endure the worst possible torture...watching every episode of Johnny Test, the worst cartoon in recent memory.
He then was tortured again by being forced to watch "The Marine" which stars John Cena and Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson and a whole bunch of other wrestling losers.
Snape soon escaped with help (Tom Cruise - his stepbrother.
However, the war was drawing to a close. Bob Saget conceeded after being roasted by John Stamos and Full House disbanded quickly.
[edit] His Time in the Mafia
Snape worked in and out of the Mafia for a few years following his side's loss. There is little known about Snape during this time. He trimmed his hair very short and started calling everyone "Vinny."
Although he left when offered the leading role in an 'amazing' new film.
[edit] Snape's On A Plane
Well it was the 2006 thriller movie Snapes On A Plane.
Well, it was a huge hit in Greenland but no where else it seemed. It was panned by both critics and audience. It was so bad that Snape almost got killed by an assasin sent by Peter Travers. Following this disaster, Snape decided to leave his acting career.
[edit] Gaming
No movie is complete without a crappy game of it.
After the miserable failure of Snape's on a Plane, top game developers produced a bloody awful game for the Wii, but with some unconvincing edits from Nintendo. It generally received negative reviews from virtually everyone, and only sold 200 copies in the whole world, those people are suckers for buying it. The Xbox and PS3 versions are still in development, but predicted to be just as crap.
[edit] Hogwarts
Jobless, Snape was forced to get an online degree to teach students.
He eventually found himself at Hogwarts, where he made fun of and even attempted to murder geeks with big glasses and sweet-ass looking scars. During his tenure at the school, he waged a vigorous campaign to change its name to Hog Warts. His efforts were unsuccessful.
This continued for several years until one fateful night.
[edit] What Happened On That 'Fateful Night'??
“He told me it was true love!”
~ Dumbledore on Snape
Police originally thought Snape assassinated his employer, Dumbledore. However, a joint union of FDA and Kremlin secret police found out it was a hoax set up by the duo to cash in on Dumbledore's life insurance. When they investigated the scene farther, it was uncovered that Putin ordered the assasination. This is the second time a Russian President killed a fictional character. Cookie Monster was the first.
[edit] Then...
In April of 2009, Snape killed Jack Bauer after he overdosed on Felix Felices. The murder weapon was a Wiimote.
It was during this time when snape was dubbed Professor Solid Snape.
[edit] Snape and Oscar Wilde
Snape idolises Oscar Wilde to the point of stealing his clothing and hairstyle. He even went so far as to invent a spell titled "Oscarius Wildeum" which forces the victim to drop their trousers and turn about-face.
[edit] Death
Snape, after an unsuccesful acting career and general crapfest of a life, died of breast cancer on April 28, 2009. He was cremated and his ashes were scattered over Lindsey Lohan.
