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“I didn't know I was a wizard in a past life...”
“I trust Severus with my life.”
“Open your Gryffindor and I'll Slytherin.”
Count Severus "On A Plane" Tiberius Septimius Tobias Snape, (January 9, 1960 - April 28, 2009) is known worldwide for his successful masquerade as legendary Satanist and ass pirate Albus Dumbledore. He attended the SPCA in the early years of his life, but dropped out quickly to pursue his music career. Most of his albums flopped, with the exception of his time in the metal band Manowar, going under the pseudonym "Joey Demaio". Following this, he was forced to work at Hogwarts, a boarding school for unstable British adolescents, after an obscure and controversial incident involving Romanian gypsies and kerosene torches at a Greenpeace demonstration in Hobbiton, New Zealand. Snape was named the "5th Scariest Person Ever" in a poll by George W. Bush, ranking below Saddam Hussein, Cherie Blair, Pyramid Head, and Captain Kirk.
Snape worked in and out of the Mafia for a few days following the breakup of Manowar. There is little known about Snape during this period. He trimmed his hair very short and started calling everyone "Vinny". He also developed a strange fascination with the Dutch around this time.
He left when offered the leading role in an "amazing" new film, although reports also indicate that poor cooking skills on the part of the head money launderer were also to blame for his departure.
He was also a member of the Ku Klux Klan for a while, even though the only person he managed to lynch was Dean Thomas, as somehow he was the only black person to exist in the United Kingdom.
edit Snape's On A Plane
Well it was the 2006 thriller movie Snapes On A Plane.
It was a huge hit in Uzbekistan, Lebanon, Luxembourg, Wisconsin, Ankh-Morpork, and Canada but no where else it seemed. It was panned by both critics and audience. It was so bad that Snape almost got killed by an assassin sent by Enjolras, who was apparently jealous of his hair. Following this disaster, Snape decided to leave his acting career. But after 2 minutes of intensive thought, Snape was distracted by the confectionary failures of his arch-rival, James Bond. After 12.5 minutes of licking the resultant candy, James fled to somewhere far, far away, seeking solace in a swamp. (His current location is unknown. Any sighters of James are strongly encouraged to do chicken dance and call 44-800-BUF-FALO. James loves drinking milk with sugar and loves defenestrating empty beer bottles. Thank you for your co-operation. )
In any case, after getting severely burnt on hot syrup, our hero gave up all thoughts of a career in the culinary arts, but was momentarily distracted by something shiny and ended up garbed in an Elvis suit, having peaches aimlessly thrown at him. This resulted in the death of Lamarque and Spock's evil twin and Cosmo Lavish joining a beard growing club.
No movie is complete without a crappy game of it.
After the miserable failure of Snape's on a Plane, top game developers produced a bloody awful game for the Wii, but with some unconvincing edits from Nintendo. It generally received negative reviews from virtually everyone, and only sold 200 copies in the whole world, those people are suckers for buying it. The Xbox and PS3 versions are still in development, but predicted to be just as crap as Runescape HD.
He eventually found himself at Hogwarts, where he made fun of and even attempted to murder geeks with big glasses and sweet-ass looking scars. During his tenure at the school, he waged a vigorous campaign to change its name to Hog Warts. His efforts were unsuccessful. Later on he was fired from the school for attempting to incite a bank run in Dumbledore's office.
This continued for several years until one fateful night.
edit What Happened On That 'Fateful Night'??
“He told me it was true love!”
Javert originally thought Snape assassinated his employer, Dumbledore. However, a joint union of FDA and Kremlin secret police found out it was intended to be a hoax set up by the duo to cash in on Dumbledore's life insurance.
When they investigated the scene farther, it was uncovered that Putin ordered the assasination. This is the second time a Russian President killed a fictional character. Cookie Monster was the first. Quite fortunately, Sir Percy Blakeney was able to resuscitate the headmaster with his superpowers, but contrariwise, Dumbledore immediately choked on the first lemon sherbet he consumed. He was berried with honors, honey, and lots of hand-knitted socks. (Most were imported from France and were not the results of Snape's rather unproductive torture session.)
edit Unconditional Hate
It is also well known that during his time at Hogwarts, he was well hated. This is for a number of reasons. However, the main one was declared too disgraced to be put in the series of books in which his teaching career featured, entitled 'Harry Potter' by J.K Rowling.
Firstly, he trumped the favored James Potter in such arts as potions, cupcake-frosting, equestrian mounting, coding, stocking knitting (even under duress), candy-making, hair-styling, dueling, fencing, encyclopediac knowledge of spells, lexicography, and dexterity. Secondly, he figured out the true identity of Remus Lupin.
But the primary problem is that through a rip in the space-time continuum in his mother's childhood bedroom, his brain chemistry had been altered by the quantuum interference of a malfunctioning G.P.P, causing him to be even more misanthropic than Spock
In April of 2009, Snape killed Donald Trump after he overdosed on Felix Felices. The murder weapon was a Wiimote.
It was during this time when Snape was mistakenly dubbed Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Show.
edit Snape and Oscar Wilde
Snape idolises Oscar Wilde to the point of stealing his clothing and hairstyle. He even went so far as to invent a spell titled "Oscarius Wildeum" which forces the victim to drop their trousers and turn about-face.
Snape, after looking into Harry Potter's eyes one last time, and imagining Harry's mother, died of cancer on April 28, 2009. He was cremated and his ashes were scattered over Magrathea.