Smoosh

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If you're going to learn how to smoosh you're going to need a lot of time on your hands. Not to mention an understanding that smooshing is NOT the same as smashing. Lets take a brief look at what smooshing is and how it is applied into today's world first.

edit A Short Description of Smooshing

Smooshing is highly controversial for having fuzzy meanings. To put it simply, to smoosh is to make something flat and/or very gooey. In this process, making the smoosh sound. Mind you, smooshing is an activity not to be taken lightly and to pull off a good smooshing requires skill and/or, as the experts call it, "dumb fucking luck." Smooshing can be applied in many ways. Unfortunately, most of these result in a bloody mess that will have your local garbage man swearing up a storm. Thats why you don't put dead babies in a trash compactor. Smooshing makes messes. This is a good thing with clay, playdoh, or politics. However, you have to watch yourself when it comes to...

edit Smooshing People

A trait that mass murderers constantly covet. Anyone who can preform a good smooshing is an excellent candidate for a career in homicide or cannibalism! Smooshing people takes time, practice, a car(preferably a dump truck) or some other heavy object, and balls. Of these traits one of the most important is balls. You have to have to be carrying a lot in your sack to strike up the courage to actually smoosh someone. Well, that is, until you get to the part where they stop fighting back. Then it becomes fun! There are several methods to smooshing people but the easiest of which is the 'Car Smoosh'

edit Car Smooshing

This way, no one fights back and everyone is happy. Well, except the guy being smooshed. As far as he's concerned being hit with a car going 90 and then being rolled over several times until fragments of his skull are embedded in the pavement is a pretty fucking lame time. But hey, you couldn't give a flying blue shit less could you? Follow these fun steps to Car Smooshing!

  • Gas up, you're going to need a lot of it.
  • Make sure your car is harmless enough to keep your smooshee alive during 'first impact'.
  • Go get a smoothie while you're at it. You're probably parched and your balls meter is about to be totally expended.
  • Oh, hey look! Four candies for only one dollar! You lucky son of a bitch!
  • Get down to business, its time to find your prey.
  • Once you track them down, cut the lights, otherwise they'll suspect your car engine is stalking them! We wouldn't want that, would we?
  • Prepare to ram that poor son of a bitch and make sure they only semi-know its coming. Thats when it sucks the most.
  • After ramming that fucker and making their teeth kiss the gravel its time to turn their face into road pizza!
  • If you have a stick shift fiddle with it angrily, this makes it seem more dramatic.
  • Run over their legs a few times, this will provide maximum smooshage to their lower reigon and totally piss them off.
  • Now, go in for the kill. Make sure you go fast, you want them to feel their spine cracking right before they smoosh.
  • Afterwards, its just a matter of smooshing them so much tourists have to stop on the side of the road and take pictures until some very unfortunate social worker goes to clean it up.

Now you know how to carsmoosh! Good luck!

edit Other Smooshing Methods

Although car smooshing is one of the more fun ways to smoosh people there are other ways too! You just have to be creative. Take these smooshingly good times for example!:

  • Drop an anvil off the empire state building.(You'll have to breach security to do this so you better have some hair on your peaches)
  • Steamroller smoosh!
  • Fatass smoosh!
  • Hammer smoosh!
  • Tippin' the refrigerator smoosh!
  • Shooting down a helicopter and hoping it lands on your target smoosh!
  • Hiroshima smoosh!
  • smash smoosh!
  • smoosh smash!
  • Fat Oprah smoosh!
  • Cheap Whore smoosh!
  • Tractor Wheel smoosh!
  • Mental smoosh!(Oh, if you can turn someones mind into smooshie you're a fucking legend among men.)
  • World Trade Center smoosh!
  • Push smoosh!

edit People Smooshing Tips

If you're going to go out smooshing you're going to have to have the right attitude as well. Find yourself some good ole' rock music. Something fun with an upbeat tune to it that the whole family can enjoy while you're smooshing their father into the wall because that jackass pink slipped you. Also, try to confuse the people you're smooshing. Showing up in a pink bunny costume will not only disorient and confuse your victims it will also make them feel a little cheerier about being turned into smooshie. Also, try to hide your face.(Go get some cheap sunglasses, it will go great with ZZTop!) People don't like to be involved in a smooshing in anyway. If they see your face they'll probably call the fuzz and you don't need that at all.

edit Other things you can smoosh

If you're not a homicidal maniac, never fear! There are other things you can smoosh besides people! Like dead people for instance! There is an abundance of things in the world that can be smooshed! Like alluminum! Or oranges(Get some goggles before you smoosh anything that resembles that evil fucking plant called grapefruit)! Midgets are good smoosh fodder too!

edit Smooshing Tools

If you're going to preform a proper smooshing however, you're going to need to know the tools and how to use them. First off, you're going to need a hammer. No, don't even THINK about throwing it you asshat. That would be bad. We don't need to take grandmammy to the hospital while you're getting ready for your big hunt... Well unless... you know, gramma IS the big hunt. Then its fine. Hammers are good for breaking locks among other things... like bones... or turtle shells. If you're a Rocky Balboa of the world you'll probably end up breaking the locks to the local meat freezer and beating the shit out of cow spines for a couple of weeks. Nummy! You're also going to need a hazmat suit. This is especially handy when you have no fucking clue what you're smooshing... Or if you just like to seem like a professional. Obtain a camera. You might be able to sell your smoosh victim as art! Hell if someone can get money for painting with his ass you sure can get some money for making road pizza out of a raccoon! Besides, pictures are worth a thousand words... if you're lucky it might be worth a thousand questions too.

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