From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Primary armament||Flopping around|
|Secondary armament||"Surprise and Splash"|
|Power supply||Tail whip|
|Special attack||Can call in cousin "Vinnyfish".|
|Super duper Rare|
Smithwicks are a group of Pacific fish, Genera "Gargantua" and Specia "Icthys". They belong to the class of marginally honest aquatic life known commonly as "Fishy-Wishy's".
Found only in New York, New York, there are six species of Smithwick with numerous subspecies. They are named for their fishy attitude and appearance and travel in schools reading newspapers. The scientific name "Fishy-Wishy" is derived from the Icelandic word κρόταλον, meaning "Animal of the Water". The name "Smithwick" is the German Metalworker's word for "One who makes important, necessary, or useful stuff from metal" and shares it's root with the modern day "Cobblerwick", a small fish commonly found in streams in Montana sipping warm butter whilst remiscing about the good ol' days. Most Smithwicks mate in the Spring during baseball season and all species give birth to live babies (See "Smithwick Reproduction and Dating" below. Mothers abandon their young within hours after birth, but not to fear-they swim home or take the 5 train to Flatbush. They are all registgered as Libertarians.
edit Reproduction and Dating
Big Smithwicks give birth to little Smithwicks in the form of eggs. First, two big Smithwicks have to meet. singlesmithwicks.com is a popular on-line dating site for Smithwicks. There they can go from page to page previewing fotos and biographical data of other potential Smithwick mates. Jewish Smithwicks, gay Smithwicks, and straight Smithwicks can utilize special Smithwick preference filtering options, as can Smithwicks with various other lifestyle forms.
edit Civil Rights of Smithwicks
The EEOCS "Equal Employment Opportunity Commission of Smithwicks" is the de facto Smithwick rights enforcement organization. Should a Smithwick face discrimination in the work place or in a school, he or she has the option of contacting their local branch of the EEOCS and filing a complaint, in triplicate, at the begining of each fiscal quarter. Gillprints are required for identification purposes, as is a small 2" x 2" snapshot. Hot chocolate and donuts are served. All Smithwicks must wait patiently for their number to be called and then proceed in an orderly fashion to the counter to meet with a representative. All representatives have nose rings and yell occasionally for no apparent reason-do not be alarmed.
edit Digestion and Diet
All Smithwicks eat meat and the average Smithwick likes few things more than his meat. In fact, a Smithwick can't beat his fishy Smithwicky meat. Every day a Smithwick eats it's weight in bratwurst, but they like other foods too, including hotdogs and other meat products, deviled eggs, beer nuts, buffalo wings, teddy bear cactus jelly, Caesar salads, deviled eggs, BLT's, deviled eggs, & deviled eggs. After eating, some Smithwicks get grouchy and cop a bad attitude which they use to get away with stuff that other fish can't but then they have a nappy-poo and everything's okay after that. Still others kill their prey by sniping. Few swallow their dinner whole and alive. Smithwicks use the "Catch and Eat" method. None "dine and dash".
Once a Smithwick's spots it's prey when hunting, the Smithwick will swim after the prey and heckle it. When the Smithwick is close enough it will spring itsself into the path of the victim and tangle it's body among it's legs. The ensuing tumbling mass of Smithwick and varmit will cause a cloud of mud, fins, weeds, and Smithwick and prey to go tumbling across the ocean bottom. When the ball of mud settles usually the Smithwick has wrapped it's body around the neck of it's victim and has applied pressure to pop it's head off. Baby Fishwicks will often wrap themselves around the wrists of oneanother and cause "Fishwick Burns". Human children do this to oneanother too for fun even though their Mothers tell them not to. No one knows why.
After eating, Smithwicks become torpid (full) while the process of digestion takes place. After drinking, Smithwicks become downright onrery. Many a Smithwick has been thrown out of a bar after taunting others with "I can swim faster than youuuuu-uuu! I can swim faster than youuuu-uuuu!!!".
Smithwicks do not normally eat people but they will track them. A Smithwick will hide in the shallows of a clear pond under a lilypad and call out "Hey kid!" when a small child walks by with his mother. The curious child usually approaches the edge of the pond where he will then be splashed by the sneaky Smithwick. The child's mother will chastise the child who cannot believe he's being blamed for getting wet when all he was doing was talking with a fish. The victim will fall to the ground and start having a tantrum, exasperating his mother who will then haul off the wet child and hail a cab home, afternoon ruined. Only the giggling from under the lily pads can clue a bystander as to the exact perpetrator of the crime.
While the vision of most fish is okey-dokey, for the most part a Smithwick's is abyssmal as is it's talent for accessorizing. Some Smithwick, like the Rocky Mountain Smithwick, have binocular smelling but regrettably, not binocular eyesight. In addition to their eyes, some Smithwick species have radar (what submarines use) in deep grooves between the nostril and eye which allow them to hear noises. It is thought that the near extinction of the "Iraqi Smithwick" is due to the Smithwick's lousy sense of sight and accessorizing, but recent studies lean towards poor migratory practices.
Some people have been known to trade tickets to baseball games for Smithwicks. While attendance of this favorite American pasttime is encouraged, the trading of marine life for good seats is certainly frowned upon. Perpetrators should immediately be reported to the authorities. Remember-only you can prevent the exploitation of the Smithwick.