Smartass

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Smartass

Smartass
It's pronounced due-mass.
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Where the wild things are.
Phylum: (see mneumonics)
Class: is where you should be if you don't know the above word's definition.
Order: Drop and give me fifty, Faggot!...
Suborder: "In a pink tutu with handlebar braids!"
Genius: Not to be confused with Genus
Species: Smart Masses
Strength:They're the ones saving our asses from extinction. (pun intended)
Intelligence: Duh.
Special Attack: Gay Bride
Range
Earth
Smartasses populate the whole planet from Nebraska to other provinces. (Yes, that includes the oceans, because they can obviously swim. When I said whole planet, do you really think I meant the WHOLE planet? Jesus Heysis Christo)


The smartass (Equus genius) is a type of donkey known for its very high intelligence, with an IQ ranging from 150 to 950 .

“I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass”
~ Oscar Wilde on Smartasses

Appearance

A smarty smart smartass looks just like any other donkey, which can make distinguishing a smartass from an ordinary donkey about as hard as telling Japanese and Black people apart. However, if a smartass is in its natural habitat, it can be easily identified as a smartass. A smartass's house has a lot of "intellectual" objects in it. Books, essays (the American kind), and mathematical formulae litter a smartass's house. This differs from a donkey's habitat in that donkeys live in the sties, with the only exception being you. (Seriously, if I had to tell you that donkeys don't live indoors, then you ain't exactly on the Stephen King end of the evolutionary food chain.)

Oh, and if you really don't know what a smartass looks like, then you definitely shouldn't look at that picture in the sidebar to the right, cause that's totally a picture of a smartass over there.

Mating habits

Smartasses are the leading experts on pickup lines; in fact, they were invented by smartasses. The first pickup line was used by a teenage male smartass, who said to his potential mate, "Hee-haw!", which is equine for "I just watched a sketch comedy TV show about rednecks. Wanna fuck?" The two dated, and eventually they were happily married.

Sadly, smartass pickup lines have worked poorly ever since humans learned about them. Humans have come up with a rather wide variety of pickup lines, and are even on the verge of inventing a pickup line that's still funny the second time you hear it. This is much superior than the smartass's methods, seeing as how they only say "Hee-haw". But just so you know, "Hee-haw" is not the only thing a smartass can say, but they obviously just choose to say it all the time, sorta like how you're not dumb; you just choose to be dumb all the time.

Slavery

Smartasses are free to do anything, however, this has not always been the case. In the Medieval times, smartasses were forced to do mental work such as transferring crops from the field to the silo. Of course, back then everyone who wasn't the King was the King's babe, but even up to the 1800s, smartasses were primarily used as beasts of burden in all parts of the world. When the Emancipation Proclamation was signed, smartasses were freed, and after the trail of tears movement of the 2008s, smartasses were legally considered equal to other humans. However, every known person in a political party is attempting to reverse both these decisions to make smartasses slaves once again.

And since I just know some idiot is going to say something like "Well what about me? I like smartasses!", I'm just going to go ahead and remind you that admitting you like smartasses only proves you are indeed a smartass.

Smartasses in culture

Smartasses have impacted culture in 10 very prominent ways:

  • Smartasses are often considered to be pioneers of stand-up comedy. Demetri Martin is proud to admit he is a smartass with extensive plastic surgery. Many other notable stand-up comedians have had surgery so as to fool people into thinking they're humans.
  • Dionysius was often portrayed as a smartass.
  • The smartass is the symbol of really smart Entrepreneurs

I know what you're thinking: "You said smartasses had 10 prominent effects on culture! That's only three! Three isn't enough!" Oh yeah? Well you've had zero prominent effects on culture, and three divided by zero may or may not be infinity times three, making it a 50% chance of failure, 50% chance of success, and a 0% chance of you being smarter than a smartass like me.

Etymology

The word smartass derives from the Greek word "smar", meaning "seventeen", and the ROT13 word "tas", meaning "tater salad"... WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?

See also

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