Sloanes

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“Two things in life are certain: Death and Sloanes.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sloanes

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”
~ Sloanes on Money


Sloanes are people originating from the slums of Sloane Square, an area in one of London's most depressed areas. They are often fat, lazy and drunk. An alarmingly large number of Sloanes also suffer permanantly with headlice.

Also known as: Sloaney Ponies, Sloane Ranger, Rah.


edit History

The first Sloanes evolved from toads in the late 60's due to the high concentrations of LSD in the local water supply. From this point on they began reproducing at an alarming rate of 15 knots and quickly took over the whole Chelsea area of London, raising massive amounts of money by busking.

It has been thought that Sloanes and Chavs are in fact the same species - just with different amounts of money. They both wear Burberry - though Sloane Burberry tends to be bought from County Casuals or Harvey Nick's, whereas chav Burberry is usually from a market stall. Also, Sloane Burberry has the logo spelled correctly, whereas chav Burburry is often spelled differently so that the manufacturer can avoid being sued by Burberry.

Sloanes are now well respected members of the Nouveau Riche community who donate to various charities such as the Priory Rehab Centre for Gifted Youngsters. They socialise at respectable boarding schools around the UK including Downe House,Rugby, Canford and Wellington College, after which they move onto Exeter or Bristol University. Some of the super elite have been known to make an appearance on Shipwrecked: Battle of the Islands.

The Sloane epitomise the stereotypically dim rich kid who, through his vulgarity and vanity, antagonises the bright paupers by his blatant failure to earn his inflated social status. He, like neoNazis and Scientologists and other offshoots of incestuous, self-perpetuating sub-/anti-culture, awaits a kick in the teeth.

edit How to be a Sloane

First things first, the following items are a must:

edit For Boys

  • Jack Wills Trackies
  • Flip-Flops
  • Pink Shirt
  • Gillet


edit For Girls:

  • Jack Wills Trackies
  • Ugg Boots
  • Striped Shirt
  • Gillet
  • Pashmina
  • Pearls
  • Hoodie
  • 50,000 bracelets of varying colours and sizes from Tiffany's


Both girls and boys must also have unruly hair in the style of superhero Russel Brand (only blondes need apply). Girls look very orange and plastic, whilst the Hooray Henry's pull off the natural looking fake tan.

Brand names are of utmost importance when Sloanes go shopping, and if they buy anything without the right name stamped all over it they will spontaneously combust right there in the middle of Ralph Lauren.

In order to fit seamlessly into the Sloane community you must fashion yourself an impressive hyphenated surname such as Parker-Bowles, Palmer-Tomkinson, Jolie-Pitt or Fawcett-Majors.

Sloanes are rarely seen alone, therfore you must recruit a large number of similar-looking people to constantly give French-style cheek kisses and follow you around Kings Road.

edit Sloane Language

Because of their lack of a frontal lobe of the brain, all Slones must speak in the most impersonal way they can possibly muster. The more abbreviated the better, with excessive misuse of the terms "like" and "random" strongly encouraged. A real life example follows


"Soz for not calling you, I was smashed at this wick party. Soph is such a ledge: she totally rinsed these plebs who were NQOC and NFI and then split a G'n'T all over her Ralphie and Pash. Banter! 'Twas soooooooooooo funny. Gotta dash, the rentals are home. Laters."


Translation:

"Hi - I didn't forget to call you, I just dont like you. I was very drunk at a party that you weren't invited to and I'm only ringing now to make you feel stupid. Sophie is really cool because she took the piss out of some poor people (NQOC = Not Quite Our Class) who she invited just to make herself look beter for kicking them out (NFI = Not Fucking Invited). Then because she's such a tit she split her gin and tonic all over her pretentious clothes that were bought with Daddy's credit card. I thought it was hilarious because I hate Sophie. I have to go now, my parents are home and I need to ask them for more money. I'll speak to you next time I'm invited to something which you aren't. Bye"

More sloanisms include:

  • Ya - Yes
  • Babes - a form of the third person plural
  • KR - King's Road (their breeding ground)
  • mate (ph: maayyyyyyyyyte) - Usualy preceded and followed by the stutter 'Ah'; this means a friend; usually used in front of Sloanettes repeatedly in Henry J Beans
  • 'Zeth - Abv. Polzeath - The once charming seaside town in north Cornwall now transformed into the "KR on sea". Popular during the summer months of July and August.

edit Names popular for Sloanes:

Alexander, especially when abbreviated to "Alec" Amanda Camilla, often abbreviated to "Mills" Cecil or Cecily Chelsea/Chelsey, often abbreviated to "Chels" Charles, often abbreviated to "Charlie" Crystal Edward, often abbreviated to "Ed" or "Ted" Emma, often abbreviated to "Ems" Henry, as in "Hooray Henry" Isabella, often abbreviated to "Bella" or "Izzy" Rupert, as in "Ra Ra Rupert" Thomas, often abbreviated to "Tom" Victoria, especially when abbreviated into "Vicks", "Vicki", "Tory", "Tors", "Torzy" or "Torica" William, usually abbreviated to "Wills" or "Will"

edit Faux-French

Sloanes can often be heard using a faux-French accent to emphasis a point:

"Leaving Kings Road is tres dangereux, non?"
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