Sleaford
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SLEAFORD | |
| Official Language | Chavastanie |
| Capital | Rehab Nightclub |
| Largest City | Lollycocks Field |
| God-King | Jesus |
| Established | 1993 |
| Total Area | .090897 km² |
| Estimated Population | Just Enough to fill Subway |
| Currency | String, bits of |
| National Anthem | Anything by 50 Cent and/or the most recent winner of X Factor" |
Sleaford is a small craphole located in the North Kesteven district of Lincolnshire, England. (Note to all Americans: Sleaford is north of London. Note to all Brits: Just get an AA road atlas, you ignorant tods). It takes its name from the River Slea, a tributary of the River Witham (Sleaford started as a ford over the Slea...hurhurhur, clever). It is northeast of the cesspit of Grantham and north-west of the whorehouse of Boston. Sleaford lies 115 miles north of the capital London (the founder of this article is going there for Uni, which is why he decided to repeat this fact), and the city of Lincoln is eighteen miles to the north.
Sleaford has a thriving Tesco in which carrier bags are frequently exchanged for exotic items such as toothbrushes. It is now also developing tourism and is expanding rapidly. The town's current population is around 45 billion,consisting mainly of rabid looking dogs with nine legs three heads and five tails. Due to a nuclear explosion that occurred in 2003 (see Unimportant Facts for the cause), the number of legs on cows ranges between 5 and 23. Mutated cows are actually considered a delicacy in France; unfortunately Sleaford is too cut off from the rest of the EU to benefit.
Only very recently (i.e. 1999) did Sleaford receive such vital amenities as electricity, which the rest of the country (even local Boston with it's six-toed inhabitants) had been enjoying for...however many years you think Britain's had electricity. The River Slea, unfortunately, stinks, as do most of the residents who use sheep manure as underarm deodorant.
Sleaford has a current human population of 127189339, because abortion has been banned by Chancellor Palpatine of the local council in an attempt to build an army of chav cannon-fodder.
AIDS originated in Sleaford, when Tracey Hudson fucked a chimp for a fish cake from Scoffers.
Contents |
[edit] History & culture
==History===
=
Both grammar schools are in varying stages of decay. Since they were simultaneously built in 1604 B.C., one can only assume that they are to be considered 'historical'. The maintainers will tell you that they're more modern than the Tate, but they're just referring to the staff room which is full of historical old Carlsberg cans and Woodbines stubs.
The Hub art gallery is probably the most pointless building in the entire town, with one of its previous exhibitions including bizarre constructions made out of bits of twigs and shells. Since this is Uncyclopedia, you might think I'm talking crap...but we all know about 'modern art'. Looks nice from the outside and the balcony is excellent for jumping off when yuouve overdosed on Tizer.
Another historical building is the Sleaford Corn Exchange. Home to the drug addicts of Sleaford, it also houses a flavourful variety of dead pigeons (usually served at the restaurant next door under the moniker of 'chicken vindaloo' or worse still,'lamb phaal' ). It must be noted that, due to Sleaford's extreme isolation from the outside world, many addicts find it difficult to score coke and there have been instances of Overdosing on Tizer instead. Hardcore junkies couple this with White Lightning.
Recent archaeological research has uncovered the foundations of what is believed to be the world's first 30,000ft skyscraper, at the Castlefields brothel. Some evidence has also been gathered which suggests that in the 6th century B.C. Sleaford once came up with a cure for AIDS and all forms of cancer: unfortunately, at around the same time, alcohol was discovered.
[edit] Culture
Sleaford's local culture borrows many influences from Japan, Hollywood and Hooters. Since Sleaford receives luxuries at least 50-90 years after the rest of the Western world, its culture is rich, diverse, and downright crap.
Local pastimes include duck-riding, Tony hunting (see below), spitting from the balcony of the Hub art gallery, spraying badly misspelled graffiti on the walls of Nag's Head Passage, and excessive consumption of lighter fluid from Aldi's disguised as 'cider'. Those who hold a driving licence as their finest qualification often enjoy redlining their chariots around the Homebase car park in an attempt to impress the ladies and scare ducks (could be the other way around).
Another great pastime is a certain rite of passage which is re-enacted every week: the famous "Dancing at Flicks" ritual.Unfortunately the building is boarded up but that doesnt deter the mutants who still queue up high on Tizer and say comments such as 'dur like the new design for the entrance'.
Supposedly, many years ago, before the cinema (Flicks in a past life) was even erected, there stood a huge ceremonial ground, upon which savages performed human sacrifices. Now, centuries on, a lot of the Sleafordian population seem to still have the urge to dance, but thankfully, their bloodlust seems to have waned.
Sleaford also has the most ridiculous amount of charity shops ever. Well thats because there are about 10 deaths every minute, their clothes have to go somewhere.
[edit] Recent improvements
Dave Lau no longer lives there. Subway has now arrived, and people with only 1 braincell visit every minute Total demolition - what a great improvement!!!
[edit] Attractions
At the Mill, guests are invited to poke fun at the 12 year old midgets employed to move the mill wheel. Originally powered by hamsters, the Mill had to change the species of its staff after the local council decided that rodents are cuter than dwarves.
Sleaford also has plenty of hiding spots (i.e the many abandoned buildings) for the hunted and usually peaceful emos that spend their days trying to avoid being flattened by a chav. (then again, don't we all)...Chavs have shit taste in music; the Sleafordian subspecies particularly enjoys Alvin & the Chipmunks (cunningly disguised as 50 Cent)and the Birdie Song
Another great attraction is the local game of Tony hunting, where youths shout "Tony" at random old men and gauge their reaction for some form of entertainment. Since its fragile beginings in the Sixth Form common rooms, it has moved out on to the streets and into cars (perfect for a speedy getaway, unless you happen to be anywhere near one of Sleaford's 28973291381290290 traffic lights or railway crossings, which are used as a substitution for a competent police force and even, emergency services).
[edit] Education
Sleaford has exactly the same number of schools as the NHS has clean hospital beds. The infamous Sleaford Joint Sixth Form is the source of many a wild rumour, including that of yellow pigs wearing women's G-strings, found in the KSHS cleaning Store. The schools that make up this collaboration are the two "grammar schools" (otherwise known as high-security units) and, for some reason, St Georges, probably to make the lesser kids feel less rejected than they were already and the genuinely smart ones a chance to get away from the other bastards.
Of course as is the Sleafordian juvenile's way, everybody thinks their school is the best in the country, but they socialise with each other anyway. At knife-point.
Visit Carre's Grammar School's website, http://www.carres.lincs.sch.uk, unfortunately, due to unknown reasons, a special one made http://www.paranoiahax.co.uk/carres can no longer be found, as its creators have been taken as political prisoners of war.
[edit] Media
A member of the Royal Family probably visited Sleaford at some point, possibly to shift some landmines.
[edit] Travel
There are actually more travel agencies in Sleaford than there are things to do, which is probably just a suggestion to you all.
[edit] History
God created Man, Man created Sleaford, and God wept. (In a dark corner of his room slashing his wrists with a blunt rusty razorblade).
[edit] Famous people
- Voldemort- kills Snape.
- David Lau- local drunkard and martial arts extraordinaire, attended Carre's Grammar School, where he met Dan, the love of his life. Now a starving student (due to the copious amounts of cocaine he shoves into his anus) at UCL, Dave's claim to fame is his ability to deflect bullets with his eyelashes. A few of his friends also insists that he puts Chuck Norris to shame. On Valentine's day 2006 he received the following poem from a mysterious amour:
- Roses are red,
- Violets are blue,
- You don't belong here,
- So get the fuck out of my country.
- Roses are red,
- So he did. And there was much rejoicing.
- Schteven Blackah - Mysterious debonaire extrodanaire. Secretly a ninja, but don't tell anyone. Also likes stripey scarves and the like. Suffers from First Aids
- Dan Astley - raging black metal head, hailed by frosty black metallers all over the world. Whys he famous? Well a lot of people travel to this godforsaken town to sacrifice cows to him, spreading virgin blood across the area. Quite scary really
- Leanne Taylor, took the travel agent's advice and moved to the far more exotic principality of Manchester Where she no pretends to be an architect but infact is an undercover terrorist weakening all out important structures
- Toby Cocks you can't miss the hair! His ginger 'fro is famous throughout the land, as it is used as a beacon to herd cattle or the mystical Sleafordian variety of seven-legged cow. He has a small penis and now studies chemistry.
- The Two Robs- The very (in?)famous band, Sexy Sexy Robs, happens to have come from Sleaford (one member did anyway) but they both were schooled here. This influenced their very unique sound.
- 'Cheesy'- Local Prostitute, just plain nasty. Claims real name to be "Elain". Doubted by many.
- Nikki Robinson- On the outside, she may seem sweet and innocent, but inside her lies a raging, heck I don't have the words to describe it, but lets put it this way, she likes furry pink handcuffs and god knows what else from Ann Summers(think big blue and vibrating). She is famous due to her quite renowned way with men, most of the car accidents in Sleaford are caused by men whom once viewing Nikki, suffer from bloodloss as all their blood goes to their wang...it is said men do think with this part of their body, however in Sleaford they also open doors, cook, and do their taxes with theirs. Maybe following in the footsteps of Cheesy, or working at Iceland and getting hitched. And if you think that this section was written by her... a winner is you!
- Matt Hill- Seems to have a pot of gold at all times with him in case of emergencies (he is a very monatery fellow!). Also Abi Titmuss babysat him 2 weeks ago! He also drives an old landrover series 2! how cool is that!? His claim to fame? Pot of Gold :P
- Dominic Clark- His legendary performances at Sleaford Acoustic Night have to be seen and heard to be appreciated, he does rock the crowd. Is obsessed with Paisley, and cheese from Russia
- Fat Adam- Known throughout the land for being a racist, and particularly fat. We do wonder how he would cope in other countries. He is also extremely politically incorrect (Note to editors, I dont' know how much we can write about him here. a lot of really not PC stuff lol).
- Harold Shipman - While not actually a native of Sleaford, the much respected DJ Shipmaster did off a couple of old biddies in the swinging sixties. By going above and beyond the call of duty in this manner, Hitler awarded him the Victoria Cross and a Kaiser-approved peck on the cheek. Harry is currently studying alternative medicine at the Hogwarts school for witchcraft and wizardry, and we wish him all the best in his endeavours.
- The Araz Kid - Tip: Don't visit Sleaford, don't go to school in Sleaford, don't go anywhere near Sleaford unless you want to get beaten up by the chavs who think they're hard. Also, I have created my own ice-cream, cake flavoured ice-cream. Innit.
- Matt Guthrie - AKA the Greater Bearded One. Eats children. Departed in 1983 for Shottingham, where he joined the A-Team, and now resides as a soldier of fortune. Currently converting as many as possible to the worship of various Great Old Ones. Hopes to gain immortality, that or just go more insane
- Oscar Wilde - Thinks that this list is even gayer than he is.
- Darth Vader - Also know as Andrew "Lord" Vader, or "The Bish". Lord Vader is perhaps one of the most famous people to ever visit Sleaford. He has been deemed responsible for numerous counts of vandalism, including those found at Carre's grammar school and The Rec. He is now on the run - look out he has an Iphone with him! If you have any information concerning Vader's disappearance, please contact a local hacker Nathan "Baz" Bowes (complete legend) here: webmaster@carres.lincs.sch.uk
- Moses - A little known fact, but Moses, the red soup-parting man with a beard was one of Sleaford's longest-living residents, living in Sleaford for a total of pi years.
- Jesus - Friend of Moses. Real name is supposedly Charles Smith although this is yet to be confirmed.
- The Other Jesus - Another someone-we-don't-give-two-shits-about labelled Jesus, Joshua Wilding (or Shiiva, as we've been told) has been seen in recent months to be the original Jesus, outdoing the yet-to-be-confirmed-to-be-real Charles Smith's Jesus label by several months. Joshua is hated by the staff of the Sleaford swimming pool (for stepping on a mud duck mid-swim) and the whole chav population (while they are hated by everyone).
“Who the fuck is "The Araz Kid"? Or, y'know, any of these people. This list is even gayer than I am.”
~ Oscar Wilde on this list being even gayer than he is
[edit] Genuine famous people
Frank Fartpants - inventor of the wind turbine and proud owner of the sewage factory
- Abi Titmuss
- Paris Hilton
- The Hudsons
- Kermit the Frog
- Maynard James Keenan
- Alex Walton
- Gareth Kichen
- Tom Allen & Luke Williams, or 'The Bumlords'
- Jun-ho 'Scorch' Kan - Name originates from when he burnt his eyebrows off in a controlled detonation
N.B. I'm fully aware that 'genuine' is probably the wrong word to use; however, since not many people have actually seen my breasts I'm probably not a celebrity.
[edit] Unimportant facts
- If Chuck Norris were to visit Sleaford...well, he'd just leave, after roundhouse kicking every resident in the face, twice.
- Not that the above matters, because Chuck Norris would never visit Sleaford. He'd just destroy it with telekinesis.
- The infant mortality rate is approximately 1.25 billion times three times that of the smaller divided by seven times the larger and is the sum of the first 2 digits shown. This is because most Sleafordian families have taken to eating their children so as to avoid having to buy food from Tescos.
- Nuclear fusion occurs when the two brain cells of a Sleafordian rub together. However this is only theoretical and is yet to be proved as the average Sleafordian has only 0.8 brain cells.
- Sleaford provides a good base for those interesting in following in the footsteps of Jordan, the biggest dumbest chav of them all.
(Abi Titmuss came from down the road as well - true story!).
- In Sleafordian, 'a lot' is represented as just a single word.
- In Sweden (or Finland, or wherever they have flat pack beer glasses, polar bears and blonde girls in clogs), Sleaford is known as Slidford due to the great stench of vagina (slida) around the town.
[edit] Sleafordian Quotes
“Suicide is a permanent solution to Sleaford.”
~ Harold Shipman on Sleaford
“Sleaford is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.”
~ Spock on Sleaford
“And that problem is the Jews.”
~ Borat on Matt Hill
“Damn right.”
~ Hitler on Matt Hill
“I dont even pity these fools!”
~ Mr T on Sleaford
“Sleaford can kiss my shiny metal ass!”
~ Bender from Futurama on Sleaford
“She wasn't a good shag, far from it...”
~ Satan on Cheesy
“I would rather loose both my eyes and my testicles than eat at one of those Sleaford-based kebab houses!”
~ Michael Winner, writing in Winner's Dinners on Sleaford
“I can turn water into wine, but personally I envy Sleaford's ability to turn theirs into shit.”
~ Jesus (from The New Testament: Bigger, Longer and Uncut) on Sleaford water
“hey dont knock sleaford i like it there its cosy”
~ Satan on Sleaford
