Skifree

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Skifree8

SkiFree Resort

“SkiFree is the killer app of ski hills!
~ Bill Gates on SkiFree

Ski the mountain free[1], more commonly know and referred to as SkiFree, is a mountain and ski resort located in the Rocky Mountains, near Colorado. It has been hailed as one of the most luxurious, safe, and beautiful ski resorts in the United States, or at least it was. That was before they[who?] struck.

edit Beginnings

SkiFree was opened in 1991, after being built by famous ski hill designer and pirate Chris Pirih. It's designing took the better of two years and several advances in theoretical and fictional physics to get the hill the way Pirih wanted it. He was shooting for a hill that infinitely looped, and was in no need of a ski lift. At the end of a long and hard design process, he was finally gratified. Pirih and his team were able to alter the space-time continuum, as well as reality to create a vortex that transported you back to the top of the hill, without you noticing a thing, except an eerie feeling of deja vu. The hill opened, four years after it's conception, and was immediately hailed as an instant success. Then something happened. Something no one could have predicted, something that chilled Pirih to the bone. Abominable snowmen struck.

edit Abominable Snowmen

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Reeve getting what he deserves (Artist Rendering)

edit The First Encounter

It was a clear day in late February, 1995. Christopher Reeve was skiing at SkiFree, living up the life of a rich playboy with no cares of anyone else. He was skiing down the "Freestyle" run, which is unusually rich with jumps and business moguls. Once he reached the halfway point, between the top of the hill, and where the bottom turns into the top, he met something that he wasn't ready for; he ran into an abominable snowman. The snowman grabbed Reeve by the chest, and shook him very hard. The snowman then proceeded to rip his jacket off, then grabbed him by the neck, tossed him up, and kicked him into a snow bank. Luckily, the abominable snowman was startled by the sound of Reeve's neck breaking, and ran off, leaving the wonderful actor to die. Later, Reeve would reflect on the encounter later in one of his books[2], quoting the snowman saying (in reference to Reeve being Superman) "I guess not." A short while later, he was found, and was taken by helicopter to the nearest medical facility, in Denver. Thanks to great medical professionals, they were able to save Reeve's life, but unfortunately, he was paralyzed from the neck down. This was only the first encounter.

edit Other Encounters

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Skifree.

Since Reeve's encounter with the abominable snowman, there have been numerous reports of lost skiers and many people injured or killed by the abominable snowmen. In 1996, the year after Reeve was unfortunately injured, 32 people were killed by the snowman, and another 14 went missing, and are presumably dead, most likely cause of death is the snowmen. All these deaths and injures led Reeve to create an organization to help people who were attacked by abominable snowmen, called Help For People Who I Didn't Care About But Now I Care Because I'm Crippled, or HFPWIDCABNICBIC. All told, there have been almost 200 confirmed cases of the snowmen committing aggravated assault, and in some of those cases, murder. There are also over 100 cases of missing people on SkiFree, but those could also be dumb asses who think they know how to work a compass[3]. One of the more interesting cases is the case of Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin, who, while being attacked by the snowman, were able to get some amateur video of the encounter. Neither man lived to tell about the video, and scientists were able to figure out nothing from their video, but it has become a popular video on youtube. Snowmen makin bacon

edit Searches and Abominable Snowmen Hunts

Since there have been attacks at SkiFree, people have tried to get to the bottom of the problem. In 1997, a team of adventurers, weapons specialists, scientists, bad-asses, and biologists trekked up and down SkiFree, looking for the abominable snowmen. In the end they found nothing, except that it's not a good idea to bring scientists who rarely venture out of the lab to a mountain, because they are ill-equipped to deal with their experience. The next year, there was a expedition to find anyone that was missing on SkiFree. The mission ended with mixed success, they found a number of people on the mountain that were missing, except they were all already dead. In 2000, another team of experts from various fields went to SkiFree, but not to find the snowmen, they just wanted a week away from their wives, and hunting the abominable snowmen is a good excuse[4].

edit Recent Events

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SkiFree readying the hills for the Goodwill Games

Currently, SkiFree is doing business as usual, but has come under some heat from the United States National Guard, but they don't need to worry about them[5]. The abominable snowmen are still a problem, and that is why the National Guard has decided that they will try to impose their will on the mountain. They have been deterred by several high employees and a bear on the few occasions they have tried to infiltrate the resort. This mountain has also been chosen, as well as the surrounding area, to be the future site of the winter Goodwill Games. Construction has already started on making the areas around SkiFree able to support the huge amounts of foreigners that will be attending. Pirih, who is heading up the construction team, is dealing with the abominable snowmen problem by using all migrant Mexican workers, because no one cares if they die. Also, many notable celebrities have been sighted on the slopes of SkiFree. The most notable among them being Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey.

edit Future of SkiFree

As was mentioned above, SkiFree will host several events in the winter Goodwill Games, including the downhill, slalom, super G, and Swedish orienteering and firing a rat from a cannon. The games are under contract, and are bound to be held at SkiFree and the surrounding areas until 2012. NBC has paid an undisclosed amount of money and limbs to broadcast the games every year they are held at SkiFree, and plan on showing the games for two weeks during prime time every year[6].

The future of SkiFree is in question, considering that the National Guard keeps getting better training and weapons every year. Soon enough they will have large enough numbers of soldiers that care, and will be able to finish infiltrating SkiFree, and close it down to eliminate the problems of abominable snowmen. The only problem with this plan is that soldiers in the Guard will end up dying at the hands of snowmen, and no soldier in the Guard signed up and was ready to die for their country. All they wanted was to join a service branch so that they could have the fact that they served for this country on their record, but they chose the National Guard so they didn't get sent to Vietnam Iraq and die, then they could run for president later on in life and not listen to their constituency, and end up having record low approval ratings[7]. The escalation by the National guard has led Pirih to attempt to defend his engineering marvel, by arming his staff. The next few years will reveal whether this action by Pirih pays off.

edit Footnotes

  1. Except for a nominal fee.
  2. The book he wrote was that one that wasn't good but everybody bought it because he's crippled.
  3. You know the kind, it's the same assholes who insist on knowing how to program their VCRs.
  4. Isn't that a good excuse? I would do that, if I had a girlfriend. Or a date at all.
  5. Because they aren't real soldiers.
  6. Instead of shows you actually want to watch.
  7. It would take a horrible person to do that.
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