The Sisters of Mercy

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“Sisters of Mercy? Sisters of bad taste and music.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sisters Of Mercy

The Sisters Of Mercy are an English gothic rock band that formed in 1979 by Andrew Eldritch instead of his career as a translator of Mandarin Chinese, which was his Major at Community College of Southern Leeds. Changing his name to Yvonne Eldritch he teamed up with guitarist Harpo Marx, bass guitarist and author Douglas Adams, Pirate castaway from Treasure island Benn Gunn and Doktor Avalanche playing drums. It is considered by most Critics that "Doktor Avalanche" is the best musician in the groups history. Considering it was a Drum Machine this brought Andrew into deeper depression, further delaying any future album. The band named themselves after a Concerto by Leonardo Cohen, (The Dude with the really bad, deep baritone voice that made "music" apparently in the 70's that wrote "Hallelujah") .

edit History

edit The early days

Darkness, Joy Division Plagurism, and Self Loathing....and really bad Joy Division-Ish Plagurism. And a Bono-Ish Cowboy Hat with Aviator Sunglasses all the Fucking Time. Later the Aviators/Sunglasses became a staple addiction, while the Cowboy hat was passed to Bono, and Brett Michael's, and Brett's Herpes and Receding Hairline.

edit The Sunglasses Days

Apparently Yvonne Eldritch had a burning fetish for sunglasses, which would remain on his face his whole life. There are many theories on why Yvonne Eldritch wore sunglasses so often (see below).

edit The Super Cool, Relevant for a shorttime, but unfortunately not a real touring band with a drummer FLOODLAND era

Ok so His Name is Really Andrew but were going to call him Yvonne Later in the Mythology after this one. The "Real" story of them is quite intriguing. They were not a "Real" band so to speak when Floodland(the groups most successful album to date.) came out and Andrew refused to tour. Consumed with his Greed, Self Loathing, and his incurable Love for Former Bandmate Ogra Morrison, & not touring after Floodland (the groups most successful album to date.) was among many issues which led to the downfall, and inevitable dissolution of The Sisters of Mercy. His inability to obtain a Record Contract with a Major Label and Eldritch's Unwillingness to sign Independently or release anything Independently, has in turn "Doomed" any chance for release of a future Sisters of Mercy Studio Album.

Andrew Eldritch now consumes a Large Jar of Nutella daily and is a "Blubbery shell of the man he once was". He also laments of his love for former member Ogra Morrison, and his biggest regret not touring after Floodland(the groups most successful album to date.) He can Now be found at a random Bus stop in Leeds, England with a "Ghetto Blaster"Stereo with a Cassette Tape of Floodland (the groups most successful album to date.)Running through his setlist, The Entire Floodland Album (the groups most successful album to date.)with all Seven versions of "THIS CORROSION"(the groups most successful Single to date. Considered their "Magnus Opus")

On a Side Note He Looked Really, Really cool during the Floodland era (the groups most successful album to date.) But for some reason got really bad writers block after Ogra Left him. After Ogra Left Eldritch, he began a downward spiral, binging on Nutella and Failure. The Sisters of Mercy Have Not Released an Album since Floodland. (the groups most sucessful album to date.) Vision Thing is Not considered an "Album" so much as an "Act of Desperation", and a meditation on Self Loathing.

edit The not so early days

Harpo Marx built himself a magic time machine and transported himself back to the 1930's to team up with his grandfather Groucho, together with his great uncles Karl and Chico they formed The Marx Brothers(and Grandson).

Meanwhile Wayne Kerr and Douglas Adams formed a band calling themselves The Mercyhood. This made Yvonne really angry and he formed a band called The Mercyhood as well and quickly put a record out. Kerr and Adams paid Yvonne lots of money and changed their name to something else and put an album out called "The Hitchhikers guide to Led Zeppelin".

Yvonne decided to call himself The Sisters of Mercy again and together with a mate of that fat bastard Meatloaf, a choir and a bird with big tits made another nice record.

Yvonne then sulked for a couple of years before he turned into Bon Jovi. He then woke up and wept over a Half eaten soon to be gone Large Jar of Nutella. Oh and this Chick that joined the band before Floodland (the groups most successful album to date.)we thought was named Ogra, was actually Patricia Morrison, but we still call her "ogra."

edit The Not Goth Days

Yvonne Eldritch hated goths. No really like reviled them. They where never at any point goth. Infact Yvonne often stated that he would gladly exterminate all goths from the world, including Robert Smith and Peter Murphy. However he did accidentally create the Goth subgenre of Gothic Rock, which became the most popular (and stereotypical) form of Goth music, which nearly enveloped the world in the early 90's in a veil of Drum Machine Darkness. However this event was subverted by the phenomena of Darkwave. Because of this fact however, Yvonne Eldritch shaved his head(Due to Male Pattern Baldness,and Failure) and began Dressing in all white. While it was true that he no longer looked like a Goth, he did (and still) looks like a Douchebag (though he never removed his sunglasses).

Eldrich sung of his love of Brown Cows in the song This Corrosion.. .the lyrics of which go "Hey Now, Hey Now Brown Cow. Sing this Corrosion to Me".

Though Yvonne Eldritch was never, will never and Can't possibly be Goth, he did once look like this.

edit The not so early as the not so early days days

Most people stopped caring, so Yvonne went to Germany, married a princess and lived happily ever after. Apart from when he gets a tax bill and has to drag himself off to do a tour every few years. It is important to realize The Sisters of Mercy were not, and never will be, a goth band. They may well have looked, sounded and smelled like goths, but they weren't and that's that.

edit Theories on why Yvonne Eldritch Always wears his sunglasses

There are many theories on Why Yvonne Eldritch wears his sunglasses. The following is a list of what are considered the most likely and prominent theories.: 1. He is actually blind 2. He is a mutant with the ability to shoot laser beams from his eyes, but can't turn it off. 3. He is constantly stoned and is just hiding his red hazy eyes (this is considered the most likely theory by most experts).. 4. So Patricia Morrison can't see him staring at her boobs. 5. So Wayne Hussey can't eye rape him. 6. He is incredibly mutatedly ugly without them

edit Discography

• 1981-84 - Some singles no-one, apart from some rather depressed art students in Leeds, bought.
• 1985 - "First and Last and All That" album. And some jolly good singles. TOTALLY NOT GOTH THOUGH.
• 1986 - "That Wayne, he's a right git" album
• 1987 - "Floodland"(The Groups Most successful album to date.) And some really over the top - but in a good-ish way - singles.
• 1990 - "Slippery When Wet Thing" album. And some crap singles.
• 1992 - "All the singles no-one bought but pretends they did now they're famous" compilation album. And a single that was really rotten version of one of their best tracks featuring an Arab woman screeching *Snigger*.
• 1993 - single with the Girl from Berlin that used to sing "take my breath away" featured in the Homo-Erotic Feature Film Top Gun
• 1994 - "All the crap later stuff everyone bought but wishes they hadn't cause the early stuff is much better" compilation album. It was also in some countries called "A Slight Case of Overbombing".

2002-Crystal Meth, Nutella, Self Loathing, and Denial of Failure.

2003-Ogra Please return to Me