Sir Hamsterlot

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“ (His) Mother was a Hamster...”
~ The French on Sir Hamsterlot's Mother
“ Jesus Christ!”
~ Mr. Slave
“ THAT is a hamster”
~ Captain Obvious on Sir Hamsterlot
Sir Ferdinand Theodore Hamsterlot of Camelot. (999 - 1004 AD) was the pet hamster of King Arthur and always rode in Arthur's pocket during noble quests.[1]
Hamster knight

A wax representation of Sir Hamsterlot. This can be found in Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in Amsterdam.

One of those quests include the fateful journey to defeat a monster rabbit with possessed powers. Sadly, Sir Bors(a brave knight who always offered Hamsterlot some biscuits and tea) was decapitated in an attempt to slay the beast. Sir Hamsterlot bravely tried to engage the rabbit in personal combat but couldn't escape the Holy Hamster Tank carried by Brother Maynard. This fight was concluded by the throwing of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. King Arthur, despite his wife's reassurances that Sir Hamsterlot couldn't talk[2], never heard the end of the "I coulda taken 'im" tirades from Sir Hamsterlot. Until Sir Hamsterlot died, of course[3].

edit Early Life

Sir Hamsterlot was born in the herb garden of Camelot right behind the hemlock bushes[4].. His mother was ravished by Sir Robin The Knave and lost to history. Little is known about Hamsterlot's father, other than he was from England and smelt of chewed up loo rolls[5]., but recently discovered household records of Camelot report that he had four brothers and two sisters (all of which were sired by the rodent-friendly Sir Robin).

The furry adventurer was discovered by King Arthur in his regal fridge where Sir Hamsterlot had made a nest for himself in the cheese. The king exclaimed: "By the Holy Mother, there's a rat in my cheese!". Merlin Mystic then examined the fateful hamster and declared that Hamsterlot's fate was entwined with the King Arthur's[6]. Later on Sir Hamsterlot was knighted in December 999 AD for bravely biting Sir Lancelot in the nose[7]. The bite marks never healed, which prompted Lancelot to later begin the King Arthur's quest for the holy grail.[8]

In 1000 AD in the battle of the Chateau Brie against the French, Sir Hamsterlot broke his left fore paw when Arthur dived to the ground to avoid the cow. After this incident the King commissioned the best armorer in the land to forge a suit of armor for his faithful companion. The armor was never finished, but the sword and shield where completed, though afterwards Arthur started hearing the phrase "Hey, is that a Hamster with a shield and a toothpi-GAAAHHH!" almost weekly.


edit Quests

Sir Hamsterlot was regarded as perhaps the most quest-oriented, quest-engaging, and generally questy Knight in all of King Arthur's court.[9] He aided King Arthur in more than three hundred quests, and is said to have participated in a total of 2,012. When asked why he stopped at that number, he famously said "Wait and see, you ignorant huffing humans. That's just the number to end at. (malicious chuckle)." Because of the fact that he couldn't talk, this quote has been widely questioned by historians the world over, but those historians are just Wikipedia-reading, kitten-huffing, hamster-hating miscreants. Don't listen to them, know matter how "logical" they might sound.

Hamster knight2

An ancient painting of Sir Hamsterlot riding Mr. Sillypaws The Unhuffable into the Battle of Stanfjordington Bridge.

Perhaps the most curious quest that Sir Hamsterlot featured in was the original quest of the Frog King. Little is known about this quest only that he succeeded in escaping the Tunnel of Filth and went to the island of infinite coconuts. The hamster of George Michael was not so lucky. When he returned to the Round Table, he brought back the first Hula skirt ever seen in England. Not know how to do the Hula, however, the skirt wound up rotting in the nearby town of doushaburyville.

It has been claimed by some scholars that he rode a lolcat into battle but this has not been accepted by most historians, despite the overwhelming proof provided by this ancient painting dated to 1003, a little more than a year before Sir Hamsterlot's death.

edit Death

In 1004 AD Sir Hamsterlot died when a large coconut was dropped on his head from above.[10] The coconut was dropped purposely by two African swallows that were friends of the rabbit beast (all of which, incidentally, where later huffed by Sir Robin[11] ). It is said that when Hamsterlot died he received the richest, most expensive funeral that a hamster could get, other than when the hamster of George Michael died of suffocation. He was laid to rest in a small box of platinum and gold with his reliable sword and shield. Sadly, King Arthur forgot that the box was worth more than the entire neighboring village of Hamsterburoughingtonshire, and everything (and everyone) in it, all put together.

The next day, the townsfolk dug up the box and later melted it down. This allowed the population to buy food from a passing squirrel merchant, and survive the winter, which was particularly German that year. The next summer, with the last of the money from the melted down box, the town managed to buy a name change from the glorious King Arthur (who, in a bout of kitten-huffing with Sir Robin, had begun requiring payment for name changes). The name the townsfolk of Hamsterburoughingtonshire chose was "Turtleburoughingtonshire," but the King Arthur rejected the name. Instead, through the glory of military might, the town came to be called London.[12]The people of London then proceeded to forget about their hamster-related beginnings, and started to claim that the city was called London even before the time of King Arthur. [13] That certainly isn't true, since it completely discounts the existence of Sir Hamsterlot!

It was reported by Merlin the Wise that Sir Arthur broke down in tears, so much he resembled a water sprinkler. All Knights of the Round Table fell into a deep depression that would last for over thirty five and a half minutes. This is said to be the longest King Arthur ever mourned for an un-huffed hamster.

edit Undeath

The shepherd of prosperous fields just outside London Hamsterburoughingtonshire Turtleburoughingtonshire London claims that the spirit of Sir Hamsterlot haunts his field. Loud squeaks have been heard at night and some people have mysteriously been poked in the shin with a toothpick.

Upon hearing news of this haunting the Ghost Hunters set out immediately after drinking their latte to investigate. Unfortunately they were not familiar with the country side of England and ended up at Gloucester. They stayed at a lovely bed and breakfast owned by Mr and Mrs Wilson. All members suffered food poisoning and blamed the ghost of Hamsterlot.

Ghost hamster knight2

A local farm boy took this picture on Sir Hamsterlots birthday.

edit See Also

edit References

  1. As stated clearly in an Encyclopedia, or something.
  2. Quoted from the Tale of Gwenevere and the third cheese Circa 1002-ish..
  3. Which he obviously did. I don't know why I'm even putting a reference for that. Stupid MLA formatting.
  4. As told in the tale The Curse of the Food Poisoning hath spawned from thine Devils in Germany!.
  5. If you don't get this, I'm not going to explain it. Also: You're completely Anti-American, even though the show is British.
  6. Many people have wondered why this is. The only answer current historians have is he Felt like it
  7. Go look in all the knight records since the middle ages. Can't find it in the 300,000 pages of stuff? Look again. Tell us if you finish.
  8. If you where a brave knight, would you want hamster bit scars on YOUR face?
  9. Quoted for the long-lost Eulogy of Sir Hamsterlot.
  10. This is also from the Long-lost Eulogy. Believe me.
  11. He huffed a lot of things over time, okay?
  12. The story of the REAL beginnings of London.
  13. Go ahead and ask any Londonite.
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