Sir Crap Alot

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“I believe Sir Crap Alot got his name because of his reputation of crapping a lot, not because he was knighted a Sir by the Queen of England.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sir Crap Alot
Before Global Warming

Don't read this caption, it says all the stuff on the map, idiot

Sir Crap Alot, whose existence is unknown to those with a case of tooscaredtousepublicrestroomsphobiaitis disease, is a non-fictional super hero to those who enjoy destroying the reputation of public restrooms. Sir Crap Alot is most widely known for using the exact public restroom you are about to use, and leaving an egregious smell and a pile of unflushed turd in the bowl of the exact toilet you planned on using.

In some rare instances, it seems that Sir Crap Alot will miss the bowl of the toilet; landing his turd on the toilet seat, stand-up urinal, or in Elmo's mouth (You may have heard about this incident; please discontinue reading this drivel and scroll down to learn more about it)! Reportings of Sir Crap Alot's presence have been made in at least, but not limited to, two countries in every continent; discounting Australia because it only has one country, and Antarctica because global warming melted all of its former countries.

edit Intimate Details


It is widely speculated that Sir Crap Alot's main form of transportation is the tortoise. Some believe that the tortoise and the hare race was to see who should help Sir Crap Alot travel from public restroom to public restroom. Even though it is accepted fact that the hare lost because he got sidetracked along the way, the actual reason is because he snorted cocaine and passed out for 46 hours.

Most people think that Sir Crap Alot resides with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Jason directly under Elm Street. Residents who live on this notorious street claim to hear loud sounds involving the word California and the clinging/clanging of machetes, usually around 4:30 AM (unless it's Friday the 13th, when it's completely silent and someone dies).

While being a super hero to some, and a menace to others, it is unknown how Sir Crap Alot could excrete such an amazing amount of crap. Because of this, it is widely rumored that Sir Crap Alot maintains a homosexual relationship with his roommates, especially Jason. This is precisely the reason Jason wears a hockey mask, it's not because he is a psycho killer and doesn't want his identity revealed, it's because he's gay and is ashamed to show his face.

edit The Elmo Incident

Before the beginning of World War II,in 1936, Elmo was scheduled to use a public restroom with Adolf Hitler to discuss strategy on taking over the world. At this point the details become a bit fuzzy, with three different characters telling three different stories.


Elmo Immediately after eating Sir Crap Alot's Crap...or was it Hitlers crap...???

Elmo's Take
Cquote1 I walked into the bathroom with Hitler in front of me because,even then, I questioned his sexuality. I heard a noise that can be described in one word, 'Fart'!. It startled me so much I went to the stall to see who could make such a catastrophic noise.

Immediately when I looked into an empty stall, an overly sized piece of crap, about the size of three quarter-pounders WITHOUT cheese landed in my jaw dropped mouth. It smelled awful and tasted about as good as an Arby's chocolate milkshake. I have no idea how the crap could have fallen into my mouth, unless Sir Crap Alot is Boba Fett. Does Boba-Fett take craps?


edit Hitler's Take

"Elmo and I were just startin' to get our freak on, when I suddenly had the urge to take a crap. Elmo insisted that I crap in his mouth because, he told me, he loves the taste of 'excess biological Nazi waste' and hadn't eaten a crap for three weeks because of that damn rehab clinic. If I had a chance to go back in time for one night, I would choose this night, cause after I shit in his mouth, it got pretty crazy. Elmo was the best puppet I ever had Nazi relations with!"

edit The War on Sir Crap Alot

Sir Cat Alot

Some confuse Sir Crap Alot with Sir Cat Alot, however, no cat has the ability to crap as much as Sir Crap Alot.

The NAuCP (National Association for the unvancement of Crap People) began a media war demoralizing Sir Crap Alot and his faithful followers in 1992. They claimed Sir Crap Alot was the leader of a Satanic Cult and his followers were just disciples of Lucifer. Their "Got Crap" ad-campaign unsuccessfully warned citizens of America about the harmful effects of envying Sir Crap Alot and all those meddling kids who worship him.

The ad-campaign failed miserably but was then successfully transformed into the funny and dramatic "Got Milk" ad-campaign which seeks to show Americans and Worldians the sexual benefits of sporting a milk mustache with a smug look. Bob Dole, a long time advocate and spokes person for the ANAuCP (Anti National Association for the unvancement of Crap People), says, "Bob Dole thinks that Sir Crap Alot just has to go crap a lot and is too poor to have his own bathroom. Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole would like to meet Sir Crap Alot and tell him how much he's inspired Bob Dole to leave his public restroom turds unflushed and stinky.

Bob Dole loves Sir Crap Alot. Bob Dole HATES Bill Clinton.Bob Dole uses viagra, and gets it up all the time!" In response, the NAuCP TP'd Dole's house and pranked called his house asking if his refrigerator was running. Currently the organization is concocting a plan to repave Elm Street so many times that it collapses and kills Sir Crap Alot and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They already know that this plan will not kill Jason and have decided to invite him to their next meeting which the discussion topic will be 'Living Behind Our Metaphorical Masks and Trying to Swim in Shark Infested Water in Them Too.'

edit George W. Bush and Sir Crap Alot

Bush and boba-fett

Is it possible that George Bush is Sir Crap Alot and Boba-Fett at the same time? The photographer says no way, but then again...he might have just edited unlikely-but he could be really good at editing Bush's face in this picture (I know what you are thinking- if this photographer edited in Bush's face, he's really good at editing, cause it doesn't look edited at all). You Decide (but not like you did in 2000-decide and move on, no recounts).

It seems plausible that George W. Bush and Sir Crap Alot would have some kind of relationship, as they have many things in common, including: born again christianity, fear of words over two syllables, believing that Texas is the greatest country ever, taking long vacations, avoiding answering questions, ranching, eating spaghettiO's, choking on pretzels, Patriotism, general dislike for Cindy Sheehan, a homosexual partner (GW's is Karl Rove), a history of chronic alcoholism, run on sentences, low approval ratings, rich fathers, urge to assassinate Captain Planet, and the ability to take over the world.

While the true identity of Sir Crap Alot is not known, much speculation has been speculated. Most humans and Mr. Ts alike agree that Sir Crap Alot is one of the following:

edit The End of Sir Crap Alot


An artist's rendition of what Sir Crap Alot might look like, if he weren't crappier than the speed of light. (Similar to a silent fart.)

Prophet, movie-star, and scientologist Tom Cruise has predicted the end of Sir Crap Alot's reign on Earth to be the same time there is peace in the middle east, along with a Western World free of Ritalin. Jesus interpreted this statement by Tom in a press conference explaining, "What my man Tommy is trying to say, is that there's no fucking way Sir Crap Alot will cease to exist. We all know that America is a depressed country because they're so fat, and the Middle East will never see peace because the quadratic equation does not allow for that. I'm glad I live in heaven, you know that the Krispy Kreme doughnuts there are always fresh. When I suffered down here on earth, I ate some shitty ass doughnuts- especially at the last supper. Damn, you'd expect there to be good ass doughnuts at my last supper, but they were sick. Those doughnuts were the real betrayal, I would have been cool with Judas getting paid for me to die, but DAMN- why did he have to bring such bad doughnuts to my supper!"

And why the heck is my milk like cottage cheese. who would dare give me sour milk to wash down a stale doughnut. as long as im able to farm and knowone plunders me i shall remain and will b planting trees for everyone to see till the day i die. Signed Sir Crap Alot ss55/142

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