Sioux City

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If this looks familiar, then you probably live here and wish that you didn't.

Sioux City, Iowa is a perfect blend of rural and urban life in the Midwest, much like how speedballs are a great blend of cocaine and heroin which will leave you feeling hopeless, disoriented, and probably kill you. The term "Sioux City" is actually a misnomer. Firstly is the under-abundance of Sioux Native Americans who are too embarrassed of Sioux City to actually live there. Secondly, a city is generally defined as "a relatively large and permanent urban settlement." Sioux City is not relatively large nor permanent, the former being true by its stagnant population and infrastructure growth, the latter simply being wishful thinking by the city's inhabitants and those unfortunate enough to have visited it (except Bret Michaels; see video).

History

I was going to write about Sioux City's "interesting" history, but it's not interesting at all. It's the same old founding story of any place in the Midwest: founded by some sort-of noteworthy pioneer(s) a really long time ago after the colonizing white man traded smallpox for goods with the Native Americans. The city was also apparently built on rock n' roll.

Economy

Sioux City's most prominent local businesses are bars and taverns. It is truth – not rumor – that simply walking or driving through downtown 4th Street will put one over the legal limit. For this reason, those under the age of 21 are barred (heh, get it?) from even traveling on 4th Street between the hours of 9 PM and 2 AM on weekends.

In March 2009, the Sioux City metropolitan area was recognized by Site Selection Magazine (a publication which nobody reads for its poor taste in recognizing top economic developing communities in the United States for communities with populations between 50,000 and 200,000 people) as the top economic development community in the United States for communities with populations between 50,000 and 200,000 people. The magazine's editors later commented that they were driving through 4th Street at the time of making this decision.

Siouxcity

Sioux City is the top American city for the Uncyclopedia Facebook. I think this says a lot about the town's inhabitants.

Good thing(s) about Sioux City

The hookers are exceptionally clean.

Bad things about Sioux City

Sioux City, like many pockets of suspended animation in the Midwest, is slow to keep up with popular culture. They are oblivious to the on-goings of the rest of the world. Many people from Sioux City do not know about the existence of the internet (which means they'll never read this), Zhu Zhu Pets, or even disco music. An UnNews poll from 2009 revealed that a majority of Sioux City residents still believe that the United States is fighting the Vietnam War.

Another problem in Sioux City is the smell, hence its affectionate nickname "Sewer City". While clever, this nickname is not accurate either. The smell is not the Sioux City sewers (which is coincidentally the name of the town's all-white basketball team), but it is the odor of the town slowly decaying its inhabitants from the inside, consuming their souls and eventually their physical being. Because of this, the city's youth whose souls have not yet been completely devoured are urged to leave as soon as possible. Many of those who do leave often become successful, contributing members of society, but their mental being is forever scarred.

The town is also exceptionally boring. "Saturday in the Park", an annual music festival in the summer, attracts such has-been talents as BB King, Santana, The Wallflowers, and the Counting Crows. This may be more proof of the town's inability to keep up with modern music; it might also indicate the unwillingness of popular musicians who have had a top hit within the last decade to come to Sioux City, as the musicians who play at Saturday in the Park have already sold their souls to the music industry and are not fearful of the town's succubus-like effects.

"Awesome Biker Nights" is perhaps the town's most exciting annual happening, attracting dozens of tourists each year, all of them being drunken, meth-dealing motorcycle aficionados. One cannot drive through town during this time without being cut off at least once by a biker who, high on methamphetamine, cannot seem to remember the rules of the road or understand that they, on their two-wheeled piece of shit, are not going to survive a collision with a Ford F-150.

If one wants to witness mediocre athletes embarrass themselves, they can see a Sioux City Explorers (baseball), Sioux City Musketeers (hockey), or Sioux City Bandits (arena football) game. If one wants to taste, and then regret tasting, a local delicacy, they're invited to try a Twin Bing candy bar, which are manufactured in the city and unknown to anyone else outside of it with functioning tastebuds. Or you can always have a visit to La Juanita (The Grease) restaurant where the Latin atmosphere is almost as tolerable and authentic as the cheap Mexican food (the most culturally authentic part is that your car is likely to be broken into if you park it in their parking lot; it's just like Mexico!).

RAGBRAI, a non-competitive bicycle ride across Iowa, also comes through Sioux City. Cyclists love riding through Iowa because Iowa, like most of the Midwest, is flat. Except Sioux City. The city is full of ridiculous hills and slopes which made even Lance Armstrong quit the 2004 RAGBRAI and vow to never return again.

Residents of nearby Nebraska city Omaha often complain about people from Sioux City who regularly visit and bastardize their city's distinct culture and entertainment scene. They would reciprocate the injustice by visiting Sioux City and ruining things there, but they're well aware of the futility in doing so as there is nothing of value to abuse (not even the women). It is not uncommon for many Sioux Cityians to be kicked out of venues in Omaha on the basis that they smell like pig excrement and are general asshats.

One cannot help but laugh at the city's news stations' production value, which appear to be made by a high school AV club. KCAU, one of the local news stations, features an anchor by the name of "Tim Seaman". Every time I hear his name said outloud, I laugh.

A video is worth 1,000 pictures (or however many frames the video contains)

See also

UnNews Logo Newspaper
This article was mentioned in Sioux City Journal, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here
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