Sinead O'Connor
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“I don't do priests, especially not female ones!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sinead O'Connor
“There's all this bloody starvation in the world, and all you care about is me being bald?”
~ Sinead O'Connor on Saturday Night Live
“Here's a song on the world's smallest violin.”
~ Frank Sinatra on Sinead O'Connor on SNL
Sinead O'Connor, is a popular Irish singer-songwriter, a Rastafari adherent, and the current Emperor of the United States.
Born in the bonnie bonnie land of wee fairies and angry lesbian anarchists, O'Connor came to the fore early in the 80's with the rolicking ballad Smish te Cat'hloc Cherch, and was best known for her vaudevillian act of tearing up a picture of Alan Partridge. She is often mistaken for Graham Dott, the Snooker player
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[edit] Trendsetter
While unrecognized much of her life, Sinead O'Connor became a pioneer of the fashion movement of bald-headed hot chicks, which later included Demi Moore, Sigourney Weaver, Natalie Portman, Britney Spears, and that chick from the first Star Trek movie. However, because she came before the big wave of hot bald chicks, no guys at the time thought she was hot.
Sinead O'Connor was also the first white singer to adopt the black music technique of substituting numbers for words in her songs, using "2" to replace "to", pre-dating Vanilla Ice by six years and Eminem by at least a decade.
In recent years, Sinead was a leading member of the furry movement, because its fun to pretend you're a member of a different species. She has also been sighted dating gorillas like King Kong. She had dated the journalist John Waters. Also Sinead once played the Virgin Mary in a play, in conjunction with which she had had relations with the guy who played Joseph, and has since given birth to Baby Jesus.
Her recent social life remains a mystery, for as shadow-Emperor of the U.S. her security has increased and her tendency to aggravate others has decreased.
[edit] Retirement
After enjoying an outstanding career on the vaudeville circut, Sinead decided to go into retirement. However, being the trendsetter she was, she decided to retire with her career going down in flames by making herself appear crazy, which also would have the advantage that no one would approach her in the street and ask for her autograph.
[edit] Stage 1: "Hate Da Pope, Jah"
Sometime in the 1990's, Sinead appeared on Saturday Night Live and burned a picture of Pope John Paul 2.0. At first, everyone thought it was another part of the act. However, they realized it wasn't an act when she did an accapella version of 2 Live Krew's "I Hate Da Pope, Jah", and she was booed off the stage by some and carried off the stage on the shoulders of others. They tried to bring her back later in the show for the skit "The Sinead O'Connor Happy Shamrock Funtime Hour", but she was booed off after five seconds by the unfortunate coincedence of Saturday Night Live handing out free tickets to a convention of nuns. This skit was later hailed as the best SNL skit of the 1990's, and SNL didn't have another one as good until the Christopher Walken Needs More Cowbell skit in 2005.
[edit] Stage 2, "Hate Da Pope Sumore, Praise Jah"
Now Sinead began to give more interviews to music magazines and entertainment shows, saying how she was sexually abused by the pope, and how the Catholic church hates women and abuses them, but most of all, and especially, her. The Pope later denied he'd had any contact with Sinead O'Connor, even going so far as to say "Who? That bald hot chick?"
[edit] Stage 3: Bat-Fuck Insane Religious Chick
By now, most of her fanbase has already turned on her, either for the SNL debacle or for her fanatical hatred of the pope. But to finally alienate the rest of her fans, she allied herself with a splinter group of the Roman Catholic church. First she was photographed in a wedding dress for some ceremony of the Catholic splinter group, and at this point declared she was no longer to be called Sinead O'Connor, but Sister Mary Dominatrix Hellena Ballbuster Beatitude. She disappeared for five months into the catacombs of the church, then emerged to be photographed in a courtroom wearing a priest's black shirt and stiff white collar, and sporting for the first time in her life a haircut -a short sort of dyke-ish thing- and gave an interview saying if she hadn't been a singer, she would've liked to have been a priest. When asked, "Don't you mean a nun?" she replied "No, a male priest. I always thought of myself as rather mannish." She disappeared for another year, then reappear claiming she wanted to be a catechism teacher.
[edit] Finally Retired
Having put into place her plan to make everyone think she was crazy, Sinead O'Connor finally retired. She shaved her head, flew to New York for one final night of hot-lovin' lesbian sex with Kate Moss, and the next day she flew to Thailand and became a Buddhist monk, deciding this was a good way to live in peace because she already had the good-lookin' monk haircut.
Following this Sinead bought a house in the renowned Irish town of Bray. However she has recently decided to move out of the town following large crowds of lesbian fans (from Bray's extensive lesbian population) gathering outside her house. Sinead claims the rowdy dykes were chanting, scissoring, beating up men and throwing dildos through her windows. Sinead has no problem with this except she has enough trouble with the crowds of lesbians already in her house, jah who were chanting, scissoring, beating up men and throwing dildos through her windows.
[edit] Return from Retirement
While meditating one day she saw a vision of Holy Mary the step-mother of Jesus and knew it was time to return to singing. Going back to Ireland she founded The Sisterhood of Ballbreakers, and recruited many other dykes and training them in special martial arts learned during her soujourn in Tibet.
This fitted in with a new "Kill Bill"-like image of women as aggressive, she declared herself Pope and went on to found The Holy Order of the Fight Club. She remains undefeated. Saying that her strength comes from Jah, she has won 297 straight fights.
Her new album I'll Rip Off Your Arms! was released in 2005, and she had changed into a Rastafari Goddess. Her new incarnation, finally pretty cool according to some Illumanati, had been foretold by many ancient manuscripts and cave-etchings. Another album Meta but didn't Noah, Jah was also foretold.
