Simon Amstell
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“Isn't that a beer?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Simon Amstell
“Bloody hell, do people really like these homos?”
~ Simon Amstell on himself
“I like your underpants!”
~ Russell Brand on Simon Amstell
“Simon Amstell ist eine sexy Jew!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Simon Amstell
“Amstell? That's a beer, I like beer...”
~ Donny Tourette on Simon Amstell
“...and I like you!”
~ Simon Amstell on Donny Tourette
Infamously known for telling Samuel Preston from the Ordinary Boys that Santa is not real and causing him to storm off Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Simon Amstell is said to be the reason Freddy Mercury, Mark Owen, The Rock, Ozzy Osbourne, Jack Sparrow, Hitler, Dale Winton and Mr.Gay U.K came out as gay, he has been called "a sex icon for the Disney Channel" and "saviour to our planet."
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[edit] Early career
Simon Amstell was born Simone Heineken in 1946 in a small town in Romania, but changed his name to Simon Amstell after a bet with a school friend. He is famously known for killing the baby Jesus at the age of four during his primary school's nativity play, after hearing satanic voices whilst listening to Rolf Harris records backwards. He later ran away to join the heavy metal moshers The Kooks, but was later voted out of the band after a disagreement with Luke the Kook about who took the most heroin. Simon admitted he was a little too hardcore for them and made new plans to change the world and make poverty history, by becoming a TV panel show host. Amstell began as a TV presenter for Nickelodeon,the young Nazi XXX TV channel. He was unfortunately fired for being too sweet and kind to the other children he worked with.
Simon ended up working on the sickeningly sappy and celebrity-gushing Top of the Pops rip-off, Popworld. Along with Miquita Oliver, Amstell stroked the ego of every performer to walk across the Popworld set. When Britney Spears broke down in tears on the set, Amstell was there to offer a shoulder to cry on. When Darren Hayes of Savage Garden fame came for an interview, Amstell respectfully failed to ask Hayes any questions about his less-than-ambigious sexuality. Essentially, Amstell and Oliver were a celebrity's dream.
[edit] Coming out of the closet
Simon was heartbroken by the failed relationship and on July 24th 2001 he went on to sleep with screamo superstars Leona Lewis (the affair inspired her hit song "Bleeding Anal Love"), Hilary Duff, Kate Bush, Hitler and all of Girls Aloud, even the ginger one. After sleeping with the redhead Simon was quoted as saying, "I am ashamed, I can never look at another woman again! I've let down my mother and all my fans. What was I thinking sleeping with a redhead?" This is when Simon decided he would become a homosexual, known to be a prerequisite for anybody hoping to further their career at the BBC. When asked about turning gay he said, "I felt I had no choice. It's for the best."
His first official partner was Kurt Cobain, biological father of Miley Cyrus and singer in popular band Fall Out Boy. Kurt's mistress Courtney 'Fannyfart' Love was said to be very jealous about the fact that it wasn't her that was having sexual relations with Simon and shot Kurt in the head, faking a suicide note in Cobain's name. She then fled to Sweden and is now writing and releasing albums under the name Robyn.
[edit] Past relationships
Simon entered his first substantial relationship with McFly drummer Harry Judd. However, as Amstell was secretly in love with Danny Jones, Judd's bandmate and obvious heterosexual, the romance was doomed from the beginning. After severe heartbreak, Amstell resigned himself to a misguided attempt at love with Vanessa Feltz. This relationship lasted only half an hour, during Episode Two of Series 19 on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
Simon has been rumoured to be connected with Noel Fielding, Bill Bailey, Hitler and Preston, the last of whom practically worships the ground Amstell walks on. None of these connections has been confirmed.
[edit] Never mind the Buzzcocks
Simon Amstell is currently working as presenter on the BBC program Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Since his arrival, Amstell has given hernias to guests, made love to several guests of both genders and continues to show 'favoritism' towards Bill Bailey and his team. Amstell spends a good deal of airtime promoting the ever-so talented Phil Collins.
[edit] Life up to now
Simon recently received a knighthood from the Queen and is now known as Sir Simon Amstell of the round bottom. He received the knighthood in recognition of his murder of boy band Westlife.
Simon Amstell's brand of humour is one where he never takes the piss and always, always backs off at the first sign of an uncomfortable moment.
Simon currently holds the title of Sexiest Gay Jew, beating out Hitler by a nose. When asked how he feels about his status, he responded, "I don't know about the sexy part, but I do enjoy a nice big co- kosher meal."
[edit] Haircut
It is a well known fact that Simon Amstell's hair contains supernatural and mystical powers. It is the essence of his funniness. It was a well-loved friend and hilarious prop on the set of Buzzcocks, and it will be sorely missed by all viewers.
[edit] The One
Simon Amstell was pleased to meet 'The One' in October 2009, during a stand up gig in Wolverhampton. A young girl by the name of Jade wondered through the halls of his heart and met him right in the middle of Sarcastic Bitch Ball, where they danced until the sun went down. Amstell was pleased, and turned straight automatically, he likes his hair shaken, not stirred.
