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|Silicon Graphics Inc.|
|SGI logos thru history|
|Slogan||"Beer bust breakfast"|
“I see a fine oil painting of rows of bright modern buildings, surrounded by green manicured lawns, filled with busy happy young men. There is a dagger piercing the canvas, with dripping blood. On the floor before it lies a pile of rubble, twisted metal, burnt US dollars and grisly human remains”
“Oh yeah, SGI. I've been there. Bunch of geeks, but they had some cute fat chicks”
“Dr.Death destroyed I_Fucked_Fergie with a 20mm cannon”
“Step over to the margarita machine and we'll talk pricing”
“I'd like to insert this object into your pipeline...”
“..and then rotate it in real time”
“Whaddaya have to do to get a cup of coffee in this shitty little country?”
Silicon Graphics (commonly initialised to SGI) (then formally initialized to sgi when graphics wasn't selling too well) was the longest running frat party ever thrown at Stanford University located in Palo Alto, California. It was conceived as the worlds first self financing social event by Dr. James T. Kirk and Mr. Paris Hilton in 1982. The plan was to finance the purchase of beer & t-shirts by producing a line of 3D aluminum foil helmets designed to prevent government mind control based on a design by Mark Hamill a post-graduate student under Dr. Kirk.
Mr. Hamill later invented the Geometry Pipeline: a really angular looking sort of beer bong, huge sales of which rocketed the party into early profitability.
The party soon went international with European subsidiaries introducing such concepts as beautiful women and sex.
Dr. Kirk eventually left the party to go off an invent Mozilla Firefox and then founded a huge multimillion dollar floating private party for himself. He appointed party goers Crackhead Bob & 'Teej' as co-hosts. Crackhead bob was later shot dead and replaced by a doorman whose job it was to keep Bill Gates from Bill Gatescrashing the party. The doorman, Fishhead Bob, became unpopular with the parties several thousand permanent guests with the most frequent complaint being that the party was "no fun anymore" - a thinly veiled reference to the fact that sales expense accounts no longer covered hookers, cocaine and extra-marital BMW's.
On 8 May 2006, Fishhead Bob filed the party for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection with a view to re-launching it as a 'real business' to fool hapless investors out of another $70 million. Having spent the money on beer, chips & dip however a second bankruptcy was declared on April 1st 2009 and the parties assets; 8000 T-Shirts, 4000 cases of wine and a popcorn machine were sold to Frackable Systems for 25 cents.
Dr James T Kirk left his job as captain of the star ship Enterprise to found Silicon Graphics in 1982 along with a group of seven midgets from Canada and Mr. Paris Hilton ( a male person ). Shoplifting at a local 7-11 provided the initial funding, beer and snacks required to get the party started. Venture capitalists soon started pouring in cash with the primary business lien specified that they would continue to bring a steady supply of clever, pretty young boys into the San Francisco metropolis with a 94%-5% split of fat chicks who could cook, and looked like a 9.5 after seventeen refills at the keg on a Friday night. The remaining 1% would be made up of Asian types who would actually generate revenue.
IRIS 1000, 2000 & 3000 Series
SGI's first generation products, starting with the IRIS 1000 (Intoxicate Relaxant Imbibing System) series of high-performance beverage ingestion devices were quickly upgraded to the IRIS 2000 & 3000 series allowing up to 12 persons to mainline alcoholic liquids from a 5 gallon reservoir.
Recognizing that time as well as volume greatly affected intoxication levels, SGI went on to break the 4th dimension in beverage consumption with the turbo charged 4D series of beer bongs, each one powered by up to four 2Hp electric pumps.
The popularity of these devices in the entertainment, engineering & medical industries pumped SGI's revenues up to over $100 million per quarter by the early 1990's. In the mid to late 90's, with Bill Clinton and the Democrats in power it seemed SGI could do no wrong. SGI devices allowed people to believe they could accomplish the impossible; rebuild South Central LA, make movies with special effects that George Lucas wouldn't overwrite in embarrassment ten years later, chop people up and stitch them back together in virtual reality - well really chop them up and virtually stitch them back together anyway. The possibilities, under the influence of a US gallon of ale ( equivalent to two tablespoons elsewhere on the planet ), were literally limited.
Okay - so no joking at all needed here the dude who supposedly invented RISC ( Rum Isopropyl Scotch Cocktail ) the most powerful alcoholick beaveridge ever exizted... man is it gettin' late or what?... was actually and truly named "Forrest Basket", I mean frack me - when you grew up in a dark satanic mill in Manchester and a woolly beard-o like "Forrest Basket" pops in for a pep talk on RISC you dont easily forget, rather like he didn't forget puking up in someones ornamental topiary after a European gallon of ale later that day.
Entry Systems Division
This was a cruel and heartless faction within SGI who wanted to sell beer to children and the mentally incompetent. The less said about it the better.
Silicon Graphics' other step into pure evil was when they created IRIS Performer. It seems there was this party over in Texas, kind of a satellite party, who had invented these cool Beer Goggles, named VisionWorks. When the wearer wore VisionWorks the only thing he could see was the beer contained within the field-of-view of the VisionWorks Goggles. This system greatly assisted tired and confused people who could no longer find their beer, and was used by many of the guests at the SGI party. Enter Ming the Merciless, Emperor of the planet Mongo. Ming had an evil masterplan to build his own beer goggles inside the SGI party and take control of the beer goggle market in the manner of the root of all evil Microsoft. He named his goggles VisKit and they were truly evil. But all was not well with his evil plans, for another eviler lord, Dr Fu Man Chu, conceived yet another set of beer goggles and gave them a catchy title; IRIS Inventor. IRIS Inventor was possibly the worst set of beer goggles ever contrived, weighing over 200 lbs and overloading the wearer with images of all the beer in the universe, but anyway Ming gave his goggles a catchy name; IRIS Performer, and IRIS Inventor was soon defeated and forgotten, as it should have been all along. Hail Ming!
The absolute peak, toppermost of the poppermost SGI product was the 8lb Oreck Reality Engine 3. For the first time in human history you could guzzle down 24 24oz domestics and still enter a world where consequences were inconsequential. Pile your open wheel racer into a wall at 200mph ? No problem. Find yourself driving the wrong way down the interstate late Saturday night, wheres the bother? Shot down by I_Fucked_Fergie with a 20mm cannon ? Phooey!
The Reality Engine delivered a clean sober version of any reality you happened to have missed due to constant intoxication and even yo Momma, your shitty-assed hypocrite Boss (a hypothetical evil boss not you sir) or even your dear wife and kids couldn't tell you were shit-faced the whole time. Never will the product be out-productized, ever. Sorry most of you customers are actually dead now - we never could work out the actual biological health consequences.
The Silicon Guardians
Rather improbably, SGI was also under the protection of a league of superheroes, the very existence of which was a closely guarded secret. But now, their full story can be revealed to the world for the very 1st time. Click on the 'dude in drag' below the image right for the true story of how SGI vanquished (one or two of) IBM, Sun, DEC, Hewlett Packard, Cray and Evans & Sutherland to became... er... a double bankrupt nonentity.
An elaborate April Fools joke, played by the SGI Engineering guests on their management hosts, whereby the sales force thought they were selling Google earth, when in fact the engineering staff were forming another party also coincidentally named Google earth.
An elaborate April Fools joke, played by the SGI Engineering guests on their management hosts, whereby the sales force thought they were selling a new Nintendo 64 bit console, when in fact the engineering staff were forming another party also coincidentally named NVidia & ATI.
Decline, Decliner, Declinest
With the stock market crash of 2000, A new sober right wing Republican president in The White House and war looming, public beer drinking and partying began to go out of style. People preferred to use PC (Personal Consumption) beverage devices such as a 24 pack from Wal Mart and spending $250,000 on an SGI system just didn't make economic sense any more.
While holding on to a few customers who couldn't deal with the new millennium, and still making the occasional huge sale to lonely, binge drinking obsessed, university deans, revenues continued to fall. Party goers continued to move on to launch their own projects selling smaller cheaper delivery systems for use in the home. The End was not far off.