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Khan chest

Ricardo Montalbán is actually Mexican, not Sikh, but most Americans can't tell the difference anyways.

Sikhism also known as Sick-ism is a religious faith, the most badass, Sikhouse in the world; the popularity of Sikhism is, for the most part, a direct consequence of the fact that it is so awesome. It's the fifth-largest, but easily the coolest. Created by some very interesting historical people [1] in fifteenth-century India, the faith teaches its followers to be smart, slick, and suave. Not only that, they also believe God wants them to be that way, which is a pretty good deal. Most of the time, religion tells you that God wants you to be all humble and meek or whatever, but not Sikhism. When one is part of the Brotherhood, one gets to be holy and look good doing it.

Ten gurus created the rules of Sikhism, one after another. This is because the Supreme Being works in mysterious ways, and apparently chose to reveal the awesome truth of Sikhism in tenths. A good choice, considering the disaster that occurred after he tried to teach humanity the truth through that one guy all at once.

Principles of Sikhism

There's a lot of interesting things in Sikhism, but it's important to focus on the really important parts, because they are simply the coolest things ever. "Things," in this context, referring to the actual six things in Sikhism which are very, very important. Becoming a Sikh involves learning to carry this stuff around like a natural, and this is difficult for weak-willed weenies to master. A member of the Sikh Brotherhood must always remember the words of Guru Granth Sahib.

The Five Ks

Known in Gurmukhi as the panj Kakaars (articles of awesomeness), all baptised Sikhs carry these with them at all times. Technically, you could carry these things even if you weren't a Sikh, but that would be lame and poser-like.

Kesh, the uncut hair anywhere on the body. This is a very important part of the faith, as it symbolizes the fact that the Supreme Being knows exactly how you should wear your hair, which is uncut. If the Supreme Being wanted you to have short hair, he wouldn't have made it grow continuously would he? Also, God gave men beards because men should keep beards. Beards are manly and the Kesh is a sign of respect for God's artistic talents. Likewise, women also maintain long, heavy and bushy beards.

Kanga, a wooden comb used to groom the Kesh. Sure the Kesh looks good, but only if you take good care of it. The Supreme Being doesn't want you running around like some filthy hippie. And when your hair and beard grow long enough then you tie a knot close to ass to make a natural bikini.

Kara, an iron bracelet. It's a nice piece of jewelry, and makes just about anybody look dignified. It's also supposed to represent, uh, something. The perfect circle represents divine perfection, or something like that. Wait, that's a Greek sacred geometrical concept, not Sikh. Whatever, it's a bracelet; I guess maybe you could deflect weapons like Wonder Woman if you practiced at it.

Kaccha, a pair of cotton boxer shorts. Very comfortable, and a reminder that the Supreme Being doesn't want you fornicating about like some sort of less-holy person. But don't think it's all about celibacy, oh no! That's silly; the Kaccha is merely God's way of keeping you from getting STDs. Historically, Sikhs and Mormons have waged many underwear raids against one another.

Kirpan, a ceremonial dagger. Oh yeah, this is what you've been waiting for. You've probably seen a Sikh carrying a Kirpan and thought "Man, I wish my religion involved shiny daggers." The Kirpan is meant to be used only in self-defense against roving quartets of barbers or to aid those in need. Because of this they are the most popular religion amongst inner city high school students and airport security.

Central Beliefs

Once the fun stuff has been taken care of, it is important to understand the actual beliefs of Sikhism:

  1. One God: The usual monotheistic spiel: God is infinite, with infinite names, and is the God of all religions. This means one can be a Sikh without having to feel guilty about leaving one's former religion.
  2. Reincarnation, karma and salvation: – The Supreme Being will keep sending you back to live your life over and over again until you start behaving yourself. Since all living creatures have souls, the bazillions of people living today are sharing what used to be only half a bazillion souls a few generations ago; this explains why most of the people you know are so horribly shallow.
  3. Remember God: Forgetting God is like forgetting your keys; if you let it happen too often, it will become a habit, and you'll end up being very embarrassed all the time.
  4. Humanity (brotherhood): We're all of equal value, (somewhere between 6 and 9.1 million USD). A Sikh must never be a dick about how much cooler he or she is than most people.
  5. Uphold gourmet values: Defend, protect and fight for your right to a good meal. Make it yourself if you have to, and use real butter like God intended, and don't fuck around with that margarine crap.
  6. Many paths lead to God: You can take the Left, Right, or Middle path to God, it doesn't matter. One of them has a really nice deli and café along the way, though. Guess which one? Yep, it's Sikhism.
  7. Look on the bright side of life: Cut out that emo bubkis and pull yourself together. Nobody likes a whiner, and God is no exception. Cthulhu will just eat you in a more painful way if you bitch all the time, so make the most of your time on this pleasant, puny planet in the midst of an infinite abyss of madness and horror.
  8. No special worship days: Saturday and Sunday are days off because they are good days for that sort of thing. None of this Sabbath nonsense, just two genuine days off. Many Sikhs are working on getting Friday included as a weekend day as well.
  9. Marriage: All sick marriages happen on Sunday because they couldn't figure out that every other day is same.
  10. Conquer the five sins: All Sikhs must work to remove these sins from their lives: Pride, Anger, Greed, Video Game Addiction, and Lust.
  11. Attack with Five Weapons: To fight the five sins, all Sikhs are armed with the spiritual weapons of Contentment, Charity, Kindness, Positive Energy, and Explosives.
  12. Scaring moghals:History proves that large moghal armies got owned by sikh armies again and again. At one point 40 sikhs owned hundreds of thousands of moghals.

See also


  1. About whom several books have been written, one of which is actually the 11th guru itself.
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