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Sigmund "Crack Hoe" Freud (6 May 1856 – 23 September 1939), also known as Dr. Penis, PenisPan!, SickMan Fraud, or simply Penis, was a psychoanalyst, cocaine addict, and a homosexual who lived during the early 20th Penis, I mean Century. He is widely regarded for his theories on the penis...errr...mind, for jump starting the field of penises (Psychoanalysis), and as the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. His most celebrated theory is the notion of Penis Envy and Anal buggery. He believed that all problems in the world stemmed from sexual abuse as a child.
He had 24 children and sexually abused every single one of them—testing whether the experience would pass to the next generation. He was also a close friend and associate of Saddam Hussein and was ordered to be hanged next to him by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity.
Early in his life, Penis discovered he had a vagina and a sort of laser vision that allowed him to stare into the souls of the unwilling.
He was a very close friend of Jung, whom he once kissed. The following day, an E! photographer was found dead in a box of cheese; it is believed that he had taken a photograph of that celebrity kiss, although this information hasn't yet being confirmed by anyone.
In his main work, On the Procreation of Homo Sapien, and more Sex, much more Sex, he argues that ego, id and superego are all synonyms of the consciousness, which express the urge of the species for pro-generation.
In his later years, Penis frequented dozens of psychiatrists, as it was suspected that he suffered from being over-sexed, but all of the psychiatrists he had ended up in clinics themselves. That, and they didn't want to deal with his mommy complex.
Dr. Penis also determined that you want to have sex with your mom. Or at least, he's hinted at it for the past 40 years.
Also he developed a useless method on how to transform a heterosexual to a homosexual, in which case he used himself as an object of experimentation. But it's nonetheless still futile, no matter how he suck on his penis, and no matter how he suck on his father's penis, because all the while, he is not a heterosexual, but a hermaphrodite.
One of his case studies includes a story of Dora. She's an abused girl who had her dreams interpreted by the ultimate penis-sucking pseudo-doctor and the things here is that unconsciously, he wanted to have sex with Dora with a frog as a third party. But it never really happened though, because Dora killed herself in the process and she just mutilated her private organs so Freud-sucking-penis wouldn't be able to take advantage of her even when she's dead.
A lifelong mentor to Colonel Sanders, it is little known that the original poultry-based fast food was to be marketed as Kentuckistan Penis Chicken, under the slogan of "It's Mother-Fucking Good". Although largely rejected by consumers at the time, this has remained in the state Alabama.
Penis died in 1929, the cause of death being getting his hairy ass kicked in an ambush by Carl Gustav Jung, Eugene Bleuler, Milton Erickson, Emil Kraepelin and Karl Jaspers. All of them hated Penis "for being such a prick".
All but one piece of the works of Penis have been obsoleted by new insights within the last 80 years (or so). The one remaining true fact of his legacy being that, "His mother must have been a Real Fucking Bitch". Oh and he also talked about jacking off all of the fucking time, causing his penis to eventually dry up and fall over like a dead weed, which possibly explains his unnatural ability to never have sex in his life.
Ironically Penis had a lifelong and profound phobia of smug, complacent, untalented and fundamentally uninteresting female radio disc jockies, happily for Sigmund he died before having to witness the careers of his Grand-daughter Emma Penis and the equally reprehensible Lisa I'Anson (pronounced cuntwhore).
Penis and Religion
Penis was an ardent Jew, however, this is a widely unknown FACT [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] because Penis kept much to himself on matters relating to religion as he did on most penises (subjects, sorry). In fact, many Penisologists believe that Fuck (Penis, sorry again) kept his religion a secret as he was embarrassed about it, due to the sexual abuse he received as a small girl. However, a more accurate claim would be that he was just too busy lusting after his own mother and feeling ambivalent to his father to comment on his feelings towards religion.
Theory of Penis Envy
Clara: "Hey Siggy, what have you got there?“
Lil‘ Sigmund: "You mean this one? That‘s my penis.“
Clara: "Oh boy, this is a cute one!“
Lil‘ Sigmund: "Yeah, isn‘t it?“
Clara: "I wanna have one of these, too!“
Lil‘ Sigmund: "Sorry, but you can‘t. You‘re a girl! Didn‘t they tell you?“
Theory of Butt-Mouth Duality
Working jointly with Sigmund Einstein, Sigmund Penis developed the Butt-Mouth Duality theory, now a mainstay of modern psychophysics. From ancient times, thinkers have held either that humans are butt, or, alternatively, that they are mouth. Aristotle is known for the "butthole, but not butt" analysis which held that while human beings may appear as butts, they are essentially buttholes. Cornicopius established via butthole experimentation that the earth was round and that, in consequence, human butts, rather than buttholes, were the fundamental particles of which the human race was formed. Knewton re-inserted the mouth theory into modern science, and his notion that mouths and not butts were the fundamental components of human materiality guided science for centuries.
Building on the work of Buttwell, Penis and Einstein radically reformulated the theory of psychophysics through the concept of Butt-Mouth Duality. This theoretical framework entirely overcomes the butt/butthole problem that had engaged ancient and Enlightenment scholars, rendering clear the idea that human nature is simultaneously mouth and butt. Though the empirical implications of the Penis-Einstein theory were largely untestable at the time of their development, the theory has been buttressed by ample anal and oral evidence. Currently, most scholars accept the Penis-Einstein Butt-Mouth Duality theory as an acceptable model of large humans. However, the theory has yet to be resolved with quantum Butt-Mouth-Tongue-Asshole theory, which provides an accurate model of extremely small humans.
Penis and Internet
Penis was the creator of the Penisian Slip (Serial Line Internet Protocol), a protocol that allowed you to use a dial-up connection as an Internet connection. Similar to the popular PPP connection. He also was a pioneer in the internet based gay-porn arena, distributing pictures of his catamite, Fred, under the guise of goatse.
In Avenged Sevenfold's All Excess DVD, Synyster Gates tells a random guy at a bar that the name of his band is, "Sigmund Freud Does His Own Mother". Later on he apologizes for lying and confesses it's actually "Average Sevenfreud".
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They say freud died whispering the fundamental question: "What do women want?!" Well, maybe it's MMM...oney ??
- Invented his own form of sexuality, named schlomosexuality.
- Was once a cannibal.
- Never lived longer than 10 minutes playing any game on Xbox live.
- Had a hopeless crush on Bruce Lee for just over 3 months.
- Invented a toast chewing machine, because his teeth were made out of marshmallows.
- Satan became a good friend before he returned to life.
- Might have had a crush on Satan, never married because of this.
- Was obsessed with Legolas from Lord of the Rings.
- Once consumed the flesh of Oprah Winfrey and was granted three wishes.
- Invented a form of masturbation consisting of hanging upside down from a tree and using his webbed toes to manipulate his genitalia.
- Could fart the alphabet.
- Eventually was forced by everyone to shut up and kill his dad, which he did just after raping him.
- Eats Babies.
- Had en enormous crush on Gorbachev, and controlled Soviet Union through him
- Was not really a psychologist and simply convinced people that they had no problems.
- Right before his death he tried to analyze his brain with a fork, and came up with what the meaning of life is. Then he also tried to understand "the universe and everything" AKA count to 42, but then his brain got a bluescreen and he tragically passed away.
- In his thirties he had an overwhelming crush on Bill Gates after having a sexual dream about him.
- Drank 27 coffee cups per day
- Smoked hair of chinese people under 140 cm.
- Lusts on himself after looking in the mirror.
- Attempts to suck his own dick a while after sniffing coke, and staring at his cock for 3 hours 6 minutes and 9 seconds (This specific period of time turns his white mirodick into one giant black cock. According to Freud it is simply called the "Cock Crack Effect").
- Tried to sell his own leavings through ebay.
- never washed his hands after masturbating.
- Thought that because he was an incestuous fuckup, everyone else was too.
- Was immortalized in a shitty album.
- Attempted to suck his own dick after a while of sniffing coke, and staring at his cock for 010 hours 6 minutes and 9 seconds. According to Freud this specific period of time turned his white microdick into one giant black cock and hence he referred to it as the "Cock.aine Effect".
- Liked pina coladas, dancing in the rain, and fucking his mother.
- Had a sexual encounter with Henry his hoover.
The works of Penis
Penis wrote many self help books that became best sellers, being #1 at bookstores for several weeks. Amongst those are:
- A Treatise of Human Nature, Written Exclusively as a Side Effect of my Crack-Cocaine Abuse
- On the Procreation of Homo Sapiens Sapiens, and more Sex, much more Sex
- The interpretation of Consciousness
- Hug It Out, Bitch
- Yo Mama
- Yes, I know my Fly is Undone
- Fast Food Lactation+ Gooseberries = Penis
- Tree Huggers and Veggie Lovers
- I'm happy, you are happy too
- How to become rich and famous
- Cock or Cocaine, What's the Difference?
- Dr. Penis's Sex Diet - Getting thin and getting laid
- How To Pay Your Therapist Huge Amounts Of Cash Twice A Week And Not Die Trying
- Analyze this
- Mein Kampf
- Your Penis, My Penis: Purple Headed Butt-Thumpers
- How To Make My Favorite Drink: Beginners Guide to the Prune Smoothie
- Your Therapist... Old Man, Sex Mate, or Both
- Your Mothers Womb is More Fun the Second Time Around
- I'm Sorry for misleading you, the name of the website was "www.the rapists.com" not "www.therapists.com"; It was because you can't make spaces in a URL!
- Cocaine, All Part of a Complete Nutritious Breakfast
- Cocaine For The Win
- I have cocaine running around my brain
- The Voices in my Head - How to make them more interesting
- How to stop being followed by an Elf
- How to stop being followed by an Elf II: The Granola Forrest
- How to stop being followed by an Elf III: Never Rule Out Rape
- I just Called to Say I Love You
- Lord of the Rings
- Lobotomy for Fun and Profit
- Yes, These Inkblots are Pictures of Titmice
- You Love Your Mother, Admit It
- You Fucked Your Mother, Admit It
- Sex With Men is the Best
- I'd Fuck My Mother For Some Crack Right Now
- I Need To Be Spanked: In the Ass
- I Need To Be Spanked: On the Cock
- "No, It's Penis Not Fraud!! Stop Calling!!"
- Me, Myself and Mummy
- "The Cock aine Effect: The Micropenis Solution!"
- Fucking Your Mother: For Dummies
- Re-entry: No Explanation Necessary
- Your Mother -- A Do-It Yourself Guide
- Rufilin: What Mummy Don't Remember Won't Kill Her
- Cock shock
- Hannibal Lecter, a loyal student to Freud
- Howard Hughes
- Freudian slip
- Sigmundheimer F. Rhoid