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Sigmund Freud (6 May 1856 – 23 September 1939) was a psychoanalyst, cocaine addict, and homosexual who lived during the early 20th Penis, I mean Century. He is widely regarded for his theories on the penis...errr...mind, for jump starting the field of penises (Psychoanalysis), and as the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. His most celebrated theory is the notion of Penis Envy.
He had 24 children and sexually abused every single one of them—testing whether the experience would pass to the next generation. He was also a close friend and associate of Saddam Hussein and was ordered to be hanged next to him by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity.
He was a very close friend of Jung, whom he once kissed. The following day, an E! photographer was found dead in a box of cheese; it is believed that he had taken a photograph of that celebrity kiss, although this information hasn't yet being confirmed by anyone.
In his main work, On the Procreation of Homo Sapien, Sex, much more Sex, he argues that ego, id and superego are all synonyms of the consciousness, which express the urge of the species for pro-generation.
In his later years, Penis frequented dozens of psychiatrists, as it was suspected that he suffered from being over-sexed, but all of the psychiatrists he had ended up in clinics themselves. That, and they didn't want to deal with his mommy complex.
Dr. Penis also determined that you want to have sex with your mom. Or at least, he's hinted at it for the past 40 years.
Also he developed a useless method on how to transform a heterosexual to a homosexual, in which case he used himself as an object of experimentation. But it's nonetheless still futile, no matter how he suck on his penis, and no matter how he suck on his father's penis, because all the while, he is not a heterosexual, but a hermaphrodite.
One of his case studies includes a story of Dora. She was an abused girl who had her dreams interpreted by the ultimate penis-sucking pseudo-doctor and the things here is that unconsciously, he wanted to have sex with Dora with a frog as a third party. But it never really happened though, because Dora killed herself in the process and she just mutilated her private organs so Freud-sucking-penis wouldn't be able to take advantage of her even when she's dead.
A lifelong mentor to Colonel Sanders, it is little known that the original poultry-based fast food was to be marketed as Kentuckistan Penis Chicken, under the slogan of "It's Mother-Fucking Good". Although largely rejected by consumers at the time, this has remained in the state Alabama.
Penis died in 1939, the cause of death being getting his hairy ass kicked in an ambush by Carl Gustav Jung, Eugene Bleuler, Milton Erickson, Emil Kraepelin and Karl Jaspers. All of them hated Penis "for being such a prick".
All but one piece of the works of Penis have been obsoleted by new insights within the last 80 years (or so). The one remaining true fact of his legacy being that, "His mother must have been a Real Fucking Bitch". Oh and he also talked about jacking off all of the fucking time, causing his penis to eventually dry up and fall over like a dead weed, which possibly explains his unnatural ability to never have sex in his life.
Ironically Penis had a lifelong and profound phobia of smug, complacent, untalented and fundamentally uninteresting female radio disc jockies, happily for Sigmund he died before having to witness the careers of his Grand-daughter Emma Penis.
edit Penis and Religion
Penis was an ardent Jew, however, this is widely unknown because Penis kept much to himself on matters relating to religion as he did on most penises (subjects, sorry). In fact, many Penisologists believe that Fuck (Penis, sorry again) kept his religion a secret as he was embarrassed about it, due to the sexual abuse he received as a small girl. However, a more accurate claim would be that he was just too busy lusting after his own mother and feeling ambivalent to his father to comment on his feelings towards religion.
edit Theory of Butt-Mouth Duality
Working jointly with Sigmund Einstein, Sigmund Penis developed the Butt-Mouth Duality theory, now a mainstay of modern psychophysics. From ancient times, thinkers have held either that humans are butt, or, alternatively, that they are mouth. Aristotle is known for the "butthole, but not butt" analysis which held that while human beings may appear as butts, they are essentially buttholes. Cornicopius established via butthole experimentation that the earth was round and that, in consequence, human butts, rather than buttholes, were the fundamental particles of which the human race was formed. Knewton re-inserted the mouth theory into modern science, and his notion that mouths and not butts were the fundamental components of human materiality guided science for centuries.
Building on the work of Buttwell, Penis and Einstein radically reformulated the theory of psychophysics through the concept of Butt-Mouth Duality. This theoretical framework entirely overcomes the butt/butthole problem that had engaged ancient and Enlightenment scholars, rendering clear the idea that human nature is simultaneously mouth and butt. Though the empirical implications of the Penis-Einstein theory were largely untestable at the time of their development, the theory has been buttressed by ample anal and oral evidence. Currently, most scholars accept the Penis-Einstein Butt-Mouth Duality theory as an acceptable model of large humans. However, the theory has yet to be resolved with quantum Butt-Mouth-Tongue-Asshole theory, which provides an accurate model of extremely small humans.
edit Penis and Internet
Penis was the creator of the Penisian Slip (Serial Line Internet Protocol), a protocol that allowed you to use a dial-up connection as an Internet connection. Similar to the popular PPP connection. He also was a pioneer in the internet based gay-porn arena, distributing pictures of his catamite, Fred, under the guise of goatse.
In Avenged Sevenfold's All Excess DVD, Synyster Gates tells a random guy at a bar that the name of his band is, "Sigmund Freud Does His Own Mother". Later on he apologizes for lying and confesses it's actually "Average Sevenfreud".
edit See also