Sicily

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Revision as of 18:13, August 4, 2012

Ripùbblica dâ Sicilia
Federal Dominion of Sicily
...[That's None of Your Business]
Flagsicily cannolo Sicily coatarms
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "I don't know nothin'"
Anthem: "Aiu Na Minchia Tanta"
Map Sicily
Capital Bivona
Largest city New York, actually a protectorate of Bivona
Official language(s) Sicilian, Italian and Transpiranto
Government Cupola
Eternal King Don Vito Corleone
‑ President Bernardo Provenzano
‑ Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
National Hero(es) Joseph Newton
Declaration
 of Independence
1776
Currency Sicilian Cannoli (de facto)
Religion Flying Spaghetti Monster
Major exports Mafia movies, Drugs, Weapons, Spaghetti, Respect
Major imports nothing, because the local frontiers have been closed
Hours of
 operation
on appointment
“Leave the gun, take the cannoli.”
~ Clemenza showing that he loves to eat cannolis.
“Sicily is with the terrorists.”
~ George Dubya Bush on Sicilians
“If you visit Palermo, you probably need bodyguards.”
~ José Mourinho on Palermo, Sicily
Minchia!
~ Silvio Berlusconi on Sicily

Sicily, also known as Dominion of Sicily, Mafia Island, Federated Italian State of Sicily, Free Federal State of Sticchio, Minchialand and home to the the Blacks of Europe, belongs to the independent republic of Italy, which is supposed having been seceded from Europe on 1491, just one year before Christopher Columbus discovered America. Having it been one year later, maybe Columbus would have been discovered Sicily and history would have been completely different, with United States of Italy at USA's place.

Sicily no longer represents the common EU, as it refuses to switch to the Euro currency; in fact, Sicily has no currency at all, and everything is paid with cannoli, a sweet pastry made with ricotta. Therefore, Sicily is now considering either joining the Arab League, United States, Canada or the African Union of Nations.

When you look at Sicily on whe map, you can that it is getting its ass kicked by Italy. In somes cases this is not just geographicly, but also in sports and politics.

History

Cliffpic

Mount Etna, the largest active volcano in Europe. It is located in the Province of Catania.

Hobbitton

View of the town of Vizzini, on the slopes of Monte Lauro in the Hyblaean Mountains

Originally, Sicily was built by the Saudi Arabians in the Jurassic Era, who made an artificial island (like the one in Dubai a few years ago) almost joined to Calabria but not too far from Tunisia; the only mistake is that they forgot to complete the project to link both regions of Italy to each other with a single-span viaduct.

Some lunatic historical people narrated that this land was created from a huge battle between Frieza and Kakarotto: Frieza with Psycokinetic powers lifted up the mountain chain Italian Appennini from Sila (in the province of Cosenza) to Peloritani (province of Messina), and performed two regions with a narrow channel, the Strait. He wanted to do this in order to show the opponent how powerful and strong Frieza was, even though he was beaten by the Sayan foe, Kakarotto AKA Goku. People believed they were about to destroy the planet if the battle went on, because they're tied for strength.

Sicily was founded in 1066 as first Silvio Berlusconi's Italian Miracle; its triangular form was meant to represent the good female part best loved by its creator. Sicilians were successively imported from Saudi Arabia, Tunisia, Spain, and San Marino, and then all mixed up.

In 1490, after Berlusconi fell in love with Sardinia, the major natural island in the West of the Mediterranean Sea, Sicily found itself into anarchy, and later a civil war between a bunch of wise guys named la Cupola and the Northern Italian troops. The former won, and the Federated State of Sicily was declared in 1491. Sicily has been independent since then, despite attempts by the Taliban fanatic regime to conquer this region and demolish its fully democratic system.

In 1944 Sicily became the 49th United State, a position it held until 1984, when Ronald Reagan decided that a round number of states would be best. Reagan beat Walter Mondale in the Presidential election that year, because Mondale wanted to annex New Jersey to Italy and keep Sicily. Consequently, all the Mafiosos in Sicily came to New Jersey, up to and including Tony Soprano. Minchia.

In the year 3600 they launched the first ship to Neptune but couldn't find a place for their burrito flag so that's that and they all cried and went home to protest the EU because "Norway isn't a country anymore, and how are we suppose to make fun of them if they arn't a country, and it's all the EU's and that Gearge Bush's fault!" Bob Saget moved there in 2007.

Alternate history

Scene at ground zero

Depiction of the Gothic War

This section is for CONSPIRACY THEORISTS ONLY! Others who read this might suffer from decapitation disease.

Naples attacked Sicily in 1066, but Sicily totally pwned it, and ended up taking Naples as well, thus beginning the Two Sicilies. After this coital merging, Milan got really jealous and began stalking Naples, which led to intervention by Venice and Rome. However, when Venice found out that Florence had been having an affair with Milan, they totally got their ass pwned, and thus began the Thousand Years' War, which was later ended by the triple alliance of Bologna, Genoa and Sardinia. Malta didn't want to be left out, and suddenly attacked Naples in the style of Leeroy Jenkins, for no reason at all. Then Sicily grabbed a lupara (shotgun), killed them all, changed its name to Italy and became one nation in 1861.

Politics

Whales9

The Anapo River, in the Province of Syracuse

Sicily is a parliamentary hybrid republic: in fact, an eternal king position is destined to a former president who obtained notable successes in national and worldwide economics and politics. His goal is to ensure a good future afterlife for all Sicilians; this position is currently filled by Don Vito Corleone. The president is unanimously elected by the Cupola, a group of 10-20 ministers representing the Districts of the Country. Current president is Bernardo Provenzano, currently illegally held by the Italian occupying forces. In 2006, just one day before being captured by the occupiers, Provenzano appointed Silvio Berlusconi as Prime Minister of Sicily. His platform include the building of three bridges connecting Sicily respectively to Calabria (South of Italy), Sardinia, and Tunisia. As President Provenzano is currently unavailable, Berlusconi is the de facto head of state. The next presidential election is scheduled to be held in 2020; however Sicilian "politicians" are currently discussing the dates of the election as, due to global warming, the entire island may disappear underwater before then.

Beachp0rn

Sicily attracts many tourists in the summer months

The Sicilian Assembly is composed by 20 members. Members are elected for life, and replaced once they die. Currently three parties are represented in the Assembly:

  • Corleonese Conservatives: 14 MPs;
  • Penguin Party: 4 MPs;
  • Wise Liberals: 1 MP.
  • Disappeared members: 1.


Tourist information

Getting In

Because Sicily is not a member of the EU, non-Sicilians need to have a valid visa in order to enter the country. In order to obtain a visa, you must be either a pretty girl or a man of honour. Italians are generally not eligible for a visa, except in case of special authorization from the Cupola.

MallowTree

The hilly countryside around Caltanissetta, in central Sicily

Sicily is reachable only by train (IC and Express), interregional bus, flight, boat; ...and even helicopter, submarine, hovercraft, starship (suborbital route), underground crustal passages (from Vesuvius to Etna with Unoptanium composite ship running undermagma), by Goku with Shunkan Ido (Instant Transmission), and with the own mind (Ubiquity). Teleportation has been also considered; the University of Palermo is considered the best in the world in this field of study.

There are two international airports in Sicily, located in Palermo and Catania. You are also strongly suggested to bring an empty bag for each piece of luggage, as circa 50% of baggage is randomly requisited by the Frontier Station. If you are considering coming to Sicily by boat, there are several low-cost private services from Northern Africa; in this case, a visa is usually not required, however they often do not comply with the standard EU security requirements. Notably, the territory of Malta, still (rightfully) claimed by the Sicilian government, refuses to deal with African-Sicilian boat services.

Thevarsity

Greek temple at Selinunte

Traveling to Sicily by train, you must carry nerves of steel (like a cyborg or Rambo) because Berlusconi has not built the famous Strait Hybrid Viaduct (with railways/motorways) yet (planned to be open in 2016, but with a general period limit until 9999) so upon arrival at Villa San Giovanni in the Federated State of Calabria, you have to wait for the Federal Private Railways make a ferry available to cross the 2 miles channel in 25 minutes with wagons.

The Awesome country of Italy is currently building a bridge between Calabria and Sicily to serve as a gateway for invasion and to export drugs from the island to the old continent. Premier Mario has commented, "Sicilians, itsa me, Mario, all your base are belong to us. Now give dem!"

Being kicked around by italy for the past 5,000 years

Average day on the A9

The Roman amphitheatre

As the football of Italy, to the more commonly called 'foot' or 'heel' of italy, the country's football skills are largely down to it juggling sicily up and down on one foot until the beginning of each world or European cup. Italy has been told off by France when they lost their other ball, Corsica, after kicking it so high it landed it France which refused to return it saying, "No you can't have it back, you keep kicking it into our garden". Critics are nervous as to what exactly Italy will use if it loses Sicily as its practice ball. Fears are that Italy would steal Greece and Turkey's favourite football, Cyprus, and start using it instead.

Getting around

DamnYouRednecksIsland

The A29, passing through the countryside near Segesta

Upon arrival in Sicily, it is suggested to buy a lupara (shotgun). To bring it with you ever time you go out is a way of respect towards the local people. Sicilian cities are connected each other by train, bus or donkey, the latter being the most used.


Culture

Sicily is popularly known worldwide for its allegations with the Mafia, which however does not exist. The Mafia does not exist, this is the first and last time we're going to tell you, okay?

See also

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