From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Ripùbblica dâ Sicilia
Federal Dominion of Sicily
...[That's None of Your Business]
|Motto: "I don't know nothin'"|
|Anthem: "Aiu Na Minchia Tanta"|
|Largest city||New York, actually a protectorate of Bivona|
|Official language(s)||Sicilian, Italian and Transpiranto|
|Eternal King||Don Vito Corleone|
|‑ President||Bernardo Provenzano|
|‑ Prime Minister||Silvio Berlusconi|
|National Hero(es)||Joseph Newton|
|Currency||Sicilian Cannoli (de facto)|
|Religion||Flying Spaghetti Monster|
“Leave the gun, take the cannoli.”
“If you visit Palermo, you probably need bodyguards.”
Sicily belongs to the independent republic of Italy, which is supposed having been seceded from Europe on 1491, just one year before Christopher Columbus discovered America. Having it been one year later, maybe Columbus would have been discovered Sicily and history would have been completely different, with United States of Italy at USA's place.
Sicily no longer represents the common EU, as it refuses to switch to the Euro currency; in fact, Sicily has no currency at all, and everything is paid with cannoli, a sweet pastry made with ricotta. Therefore, Sicily is now considering either joining the Arab League, United States, Canada or the African Union of Nations.
Originally, Sicily was built by the Saudi Arabians in the Jurassic Era, who made an artificial island (like the one in Dubai a few years ago) almost joined to Calabria but not too far from Tunisia; the only mistake is that they forgot to complete the project to link both regions of Italy to each other with a single-span viaduct.
Some lunatic historical people narrated that this land was created from a huge battle between Frieza and Kakarotto: Frieza with Psycokinetic powers lifted up the mountain chain Italian Appennini from Sila (in the province of Cosenza) to Peloritani (province of Messina), and performed two regions with a narrow channel, the Strait.
Sicily was founded in 1066 as Silvio Berlusconi's first Italian Miracle, its triangular form representing Berlusconi's favorite part of the female anatomy. Sicilians were successively imported from Saudi Arabia, Tunisia, Spain, and San Marino, and then all mixed up.
In 1490, after Berlusconi fell in love with Sardinia, the major natural island in the West of the Mediterranean Sea, Sicily found itself into anarchy, and later a civil war between a bunch of wise guys named la Cupola and the Northern Italian troops. The former won, and the Federated State of Sicily was declared in 1491. Sicily has been independent since then, despite attempts by the Taliban fanatic regime to conquer this region and demolish its fully democratic system.
Sicily is a parliamentary hybrid republic: in fact, an eternal king position is destined to a former president who obtained notable successes in national and worldwide economics and politics. His goal is to ensure a good future afterlife for all Sicilians; this position is currently filled by Don Vito Corleone. The president is unanimously elected by the Cupola, a group of 10-20 ministers representing the Districts of the Country. Current president is Bernardo Provenzano, currently illegally held by the Italian occupying forces. In 2006, just one day before being captured by the occupiers, Provenzano appointed Silvio Berlusconi as Prime Minister of Sicily. His platform include the building of three bridges connecting Sicily respectively to Calabria (South of Italy), Sardinia, and Tunisia. As President Provenzano is currently unavailable, Berlusconi is the de facto head of state. The next presidential election is scheduled to be held in 2020; however Sicilian "politicians" are currently discussing the dates of the election as, due to global warming, the entire island may disappear underwater before then.
The Sicilian Assembly is composed by 20 members. Members are elected for life, and replaced once they die. Currently three parties are represented in the Assembly:
- Corleonese Conservatives: 14 MPs;
- Penguin Party: 4 MPs;
- Wise Liberals: 1 MP.
- Disappeared members: 1.
edit Tourist information
edit Getting In
Because Sicily is not a member of the EU, non-Sicilians need to have a valid visa in order to enter the country. In order to obtain a visa, you must be either a pretty girl or a man of honour. Italians are generally not eligible for a visa, except in case of special authorization from the Cupola.
Sicily is reachable only by train (IC and Express), interregional bus, flight, boat; ...and even helicopter, submarine, hovercraft, starship (suborbital route), underground crustal passages (from Vesuvius to Etna with Unoptanium composite ship running undermagma), by Goku with Shunkan Ido (Instant Transmission), and with the own mind (Ubiquity). Teleportation has been also considered; the University of Palermo is considered the best in the world in this field of study.
There are two international airports in Sicily, located in Palermo and Catania. You are also strongly suggested to bring an empty bag for each piece of luggage, as circa 50% of baggage is randomly requisited by the Frontier Station. If you are considering coming to Sicily by boat, there are several low-cost private services from Northern Africa; in this case, a visa is usually not required, however they often do not comply with the standard EU security requirements. Notably, the territory of Malta, still (rightfully) claimed by the Sicilian government, refuses to deal with African-Sicilian boat services.
Traveling to Sicily by train, you must carry nerves of steel (like a cyborg or Rambo) because Berlusconi has not built the famous Strait Hybrid Viaduct (with railways/motorways) yet (planned to be open in 2016, but with a general period limit until 9999) so upon arrival at Villa San Giovanni in the Federated State of Calabria, you have to wait for the Federal Private Railways make a ferry available to cross the 2 miles channel in 25 minutes with wagons.
The Awesome country of Italy is currently building a bridge between Calabria and Sicily to serve as a gateway for invasion and to export drugs from the island to the old continent. Premier Mario has commented, "Sicilians, itsa me, Mario, all your base are belong to us. Now give dem!"
edit Being kicked around by italy for the past 5,000 years
The map shows that Sicily is being drop-kicked by Italy, a reference to football. Italy's football skills are largely in juggling Sicily up and down on one foot until the beginning of each World or European Cup.
Italy has been told off by France when they lost their other ball, Corsica, after kicking it so high it landed it France which refused to return it saying, "No you can't have it back, you keep kicking it into our garden". Critics are nervous as to what exactly Italy will use if it loses Sicily as its practice ball. Fears are that Italy would steal Greece and Turkey's favourite football, Cyprus, and start using it instead.
edit Getting around
Upon arrival in Sicily, it is suggested to buy a lupara (shotgun). To bring it with you ever time you go out is a way of respect towards the local people. Sicilian cities are connected each other by train, bus or donkey, the latter being the most used.