Si's Pies

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Soimons-pois

Original marketing poster

Si's Pies (est 1956) is one of the largest and most profitable East Anglian companies, with an annual turnover of as much as five quid (according to the Financial Times). Correctly pronounced Soi's Pois, the firm was set up in the post-war era with the introduction of the famed LSD and Skunk Poi. Their advertising slogan is "Troi Soi's Pois - They're Noice".

Medical uses

Soimon-harvesting

A later advertising campaign, from the era of computer-generated graphics.

The LSD and Skunk Poi, mentioned above, has been used as a treatment for schizophrenia, albeit unsuccessfully. Pot Poi is a known cure for glaucoma. Herceptin Poi is known to be beneficial in the treatment of cancer but is not widely available. Rohypnol Poi has been proved to help prevent virginity.

FAQs

Q. Can Soi's Pois cure cancer?

A. Definitely.

Q. Can Soi's Pois cause cancer?

A. Research using laboratory trilobites, giraffes and women have found possible carcinogenic effects. It can therefore be assumed that, unless you are part of the 1% of the population that is either a trilobite, a giraffe or a woman, you are completely safe if you eat Soi's Pois.

Q. Are Soi's Pois suitable for vegans?

A. Who cares?

Q. Have Soi's Pois ever tried to market a Si Pie?

A. Yes. In 1956, Soi (who really exists, and to this day remains the CEO of SoiPoiCorps) consented to having non-essential parts of his body surgically removed (such as armpits, back of his knees, tonsils, appendix, heart and soul) and made into an exclusive Soi Poi. However, it was discovered that this was extremely toxic and only frogs could eat it without suffering illness.

Q. Does God like Soi's Pois?

A. Definitely.

"YOU, <insert name here>, must buy LOTS of Si's Pies RIGHT NOW!" (The Voice of God)

Soi's Pois - The current range

  • The Mandelbrot Poi is a poi, filled with hundreds of smaller pois. Each smaller poi contains hundreds of still smaller pois. Each of those...and so on, ad infinitum. Hence the poem by Augustus De Morgan:
Big pois have little pois,
That feed on their infinity.
And little pois have lesser pois,
Therefore creating an infinite poi with an infinite number of calories,
So eating one will turn you into a fat bastard.
  • The Vomit Poi is especially designed as the ideal snack to purchase from your local chipshop on the way home from the pub as it contains pre-digested ingredients in addition to a handy lubricant which prevents a sore throat next morning.
  • The Kebab Meat and Special Brew Poi is basically the same as the Steak and Ale Pie that can be found in many pubs, only for Real Men.
  • Cat Poi is a delicious example. Biting into the crunchy crust allows the rabid tomcat within to rip off your lips, thus allowing full enjoyment of the delectable gravy.
  • Genuine Nickel Fender Guitar String Poi is very popular with people who are trying to survive after disasters such as aeroplane crashes, nuclear apocalypses etc. The nutritional content and flavour is perhaps not so desirable as some of the other widely available pois, but the filling is extremely suitable for making improvised snares, with which one can trap edible creatures such as rabbits, dogs, dolphins, drum and bass fans and blackened squirrels.

Possible psychoactive effects

The effects of eating one of Soi's famed Ephedrine 'n' Smack Pois are well documented. However, some of the less popular flavours - such as Metaphysical Concept Poi and Buddha Barbecue Pois - are not so well known. Subjective Reality Poi also, it has been claimed, can have psychoactive effects. This is good, because the average proice of a Soi's Poi is only £1, which is a lot cheaper than drugs. Huffed Kitten Poi can be made to order - at a price. Several flavours have been known to cause Hallucinations.

Some Soi's pois dealers in your area

  • The Pitbull And Hammer Public House
  • every chipshop in the world
  • Porton Down Research Laboratory
  • The Conservative Party
  • Mr Marubbi's Ice Cream and Onion Sandwich Shop, Wrexham
  • Raj's beer-and-girly-mags-shop, Mill Road, Cambridge
  • Any city centre gutter on a Sunday morning (pre-chewed and semi-digested)

What Music Is Currently Being Played On The Soi's Pois Factory Floor?

Soi's Pois management realise that the ability to control one's working environment is advantageous to productivity, and thus allow workers to listen to whatever music they like while at toil, except for country and western. Currently on the playlist are:

  • Barry Wanker And His Shite Band
  • I Have A Rash And I Know How To Use It
  • Smell My Mum
  • Cliff Richard (no, just kidding)
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