Shoe-banging incident

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“Won't ANYBODY just tell me: Did Nikita Khrushchev, or did Nikita Khrushchev not, bang his shoe against the podium?!?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Shoe banging incident
“He might have...or he might not have.”
~ Captain Vague on Nikita Khrushchev and the shoe banging incident
“In Soviet Russia, the shoe supports YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on the shoe banging incident

One of the turning points in modern history occurred when Nikita Khrushchev supposedly banged his shoe against the podium at the UN assembly. However, there are numerous theories to support and contradict that he did this, support and contradict the other theories, support and contradict each other, support and contradict Nikita Khrushchev, the theory of global warming, and the the number 2.

Shoe Theory

Podium

This is the podium that Nikita Khrushchev probably banged his shoe against. For reasons, the shoeprint has been removed.

The most important issue is whether or not a shoe was banged against the podium. The evidence that it was is widely accepted because it is fairly clear, but it is certainly not irrefutable. There is a suggestive marking on the lower left hand corner of the podium which can be represented by the function y = \frac{\sqrt[3]{\omega_k\sqrt[5]{x_1} + \omega_k^21\sqrt[4]{m_2} + 1}}{7x\sqrt[3]{5m + 1}} which some experts believe indicated a heel mark. This might indicate a frontal-toe-hold technique for the hit.

Points against Shoe Theory

Some critics believe that Khrushchev would not have taken the shoe off in such a way that he would end up holding the toe- rather, he would hold the instep or the heel. It is rumoured that the shoe Khrushchev wore at the time could not be held comfortably by the toe, which would cause Khrushchev to adjust his grip to the heel. The critics also claim that the function described above is not an accurate representation; here the critics split into two groups, those who believe that the above function is too complicated and does not describe a shoe, and those who believe that the graph of the function is too curved at the front end. The amended functions read y = \frac{5}{\sqrt[3]{\frac{\omega_x}{k} + 13} - \sqrt{-1}} for the "curvies" and, more simply, y = 0 for the people who don't understand how functions work. The first of these amendments seems rather impressive, but upon close inspection, one sees that the print seems slightly distorted.

Shoestring Theory

String theorists have argued that the shoe, the podium, and Krushchev are all composed of tiny 11-dimensional strings, called "strings". Although there is no evidence that this theory fits any evidence, there is also no evidence that there is any evidence for it to fit. There are also no strings on Krushchev's shoe, since it is a loafer. There are those who propose the theory that it was in fact an Air Jordan, and it was a publicity stunt. Kruschev's parents had begun preparing him for this moment from childhood, even calling him "Nikita" (the Russianized form of the word "Nike").

Non-Presence Theory (NPT)

The usual assumption is that if a shoe was banged on the podium, it was done by Nikita Khrushchev. This is not necessarily true. Most people are pretty confident that he did, although his striking similarity to Al Gore does muddy the issue somewhat. Many people think that Khrushchev was sick that day, and Al Gore was sitting in for him in the hope that nobody would notice. This is very possible - since Al Gore does not exist, he could easily sit in for as many UN delegates as he wanted, and nobody would known the difference than if there was no delegate at all. If Nikita Khrushchev really was sick that day, it opens up a whole range of different possibilities.

Simple Al Gore Theory

The simplest of these theories is that Al Gore mustered the existence to take a shoe (his own or someone else's) and bang it on the podium. The trouble with this theory is that there is no proof or motive, and the people immediately next to Khrushchev's seat were wearing their shoes. There is the possibility that someone on the other side of the room took off their shoe and threw it to Al Gore, in hopes that he would catch it. Also possible is that the roof of the UN building was removed and a shoe airlifted into the room, but it is too likely that someone would have noticed this happening. It is more reasonable to suppose that Al Gore sent the shoe back in time, since it is well-known that he has a time machine.

Complicated Al Gore Theory

This theory states that Al Gore sent a shoe back in time onto one of the other delegates' feet after untying it, so that when they bent down to tie it up again, he took off their other shoe and sent it forward in time and enlarged it, blocking a large section of freeway, to such an extent that it was removed and sent back to 20000 BC so that it would be out of the way; but meanwhile, the delegate was missing a shoe, so he took off Nikita Khrushchev's shoe and put it on, since Khrushchev was sick and didn't need it, and the delegate stole the shoelaces out of it to tie up his other shoe after Al Gore stole that shoelace to tie down the podium, which he suspected Bush was going to try to knock over; now Khrushchev was missing a shoelace, the other delegate was missing a shoe, and the podium was tied up and the shoe which had been enlarged fell from the roof and broke the shoelace, which whiplashed around to catch the other shoe of the other delegate which swung and banged against the podium, returning the big shoe to normal size; after this, the shoelace continued to fly around until it threaded itself through the delegate's shoe, knocking Nikita's shoelace out, so that it went flying and threaded itself through his shoe, Dubya got mistakenly fined 20000 dollars for building an illegal time machine, at which point Al Gore reembursed Dubya which didn't matter because he doesn't exist, and all the shoes and laces and podiums and delegates and Khrushchev and Dubya and Al Gore fell into the time machine which was unfortunately turned off at that point, so they all bounced off of each other and returned to their places, with the exception that there was now a shoemark on the podium.

There is a surprising amount of evidence to back this up.

Or, for those who couldn't follow that, try this function:

y = \sqrt[x]{\frac{x^\omega_k \sqrt[7]{4 + mk \frac{2}{x}}{x} + x + x^x + \omega^{dubya}}{shoe^ x + 22 - x \frac{7x \sqrt[3]{14k - x^k_\omega} + \frac{Al}{Gore}}{k_x \sqrt{kx^4 + 7 \omega x}}} + \frac {podium^{\omega} \sqrt{shoe} x_m^k - \frac{Barack}{Obama}}{mx^m \sqrt[t]{m + x - k_xm \frac {time}{machine}}} - \oint {4 + \epsilon \log {3}} \sqrt[f]{\frac{m + x^\omega - Mongolian}{k - x_\omega + delegate}}}^{\frac {Nikita}{Khrushchev}}

“Thank you.”


Russian Reversal Theory

Certain scholars of the 1337 Institute have submitted essays to the effect that in fact Nikita Kruschev had no active role in the incident, and the shoe instead slammed Nikita Kruschev into the podium. However, this essay refuted by the general scholarly community as the work in question ended with the sentence, "In Soviet Russia, shoe bangs YOU!!".

Mongolian Candidation Theory

Some believe that the Mongolian candidate sitting across from Khrushchev managed to distract the cameras and banged his shoe against the podium. These people also believe that the shoe banging event was not witnessed; it was just heard. Unfortunately, forensic experts were not able to determine the brand of shoe that hit the podium, even after taking rubber samples off of it. The Mongolian delegate was also one of the first to leave, and declined comment when asked his opinion.

? Theory

This theory was put forward by Barack Obama. It suggests that the item that whacked the podium was not in fact a shoe, but a banana. There is absolutely no evidence supporting this, and in fact, every single UN delegate in the room was allergic to bananas, to such an extent that signs had been posted all over the building banning bananas with a $100,000 fine for anyone who had a banana.

Nikita Khrushchev had actually met three people outside the UN building with bananas; the same three people had been found unconscious the next day covered in shoe marks. A direct connection between this and the Shoe Banging Incident has not been proven, though there are suspicions.

Counter Theory Fourteen

This theory states that ? theory on the Shoe banging incident is ludicrous and could only have been thought of by Barack Obama anyways - giving it no credibility whatsoever.

Motives

Khrushchev Banging

"о дерьме! есть паук на подиуме!"

What also needs to be considered is possible motives for banging a shoe against a podium. Here are some possibilities:

  • The podium was in the way.
  • Khrushchev wanted revenge against the podium.
  • Khrushchev didn't like podiums in general.
  • There might have been a spider on the podium that Nikita wanted to smash.
  • Khrushchev wanted to frame the Mongolian delegate for it.
  • Khrushchev saw an insect on the podium an wanted to crush it.
  • It also might just be a bad habit.

Other possibilities as to the Identity of Nikita S. Khrushchev

  • Nikita Khrushchev was George Dubya Bush in disguise
  • Other evidence suggests that he may have been an early car manufacturer.
  • He was dead.
  • Nikita Khrushchev was Al Gore in disguise.
  • He never existed.
  • He was Al Gore in disguise, and therefore never existed.
  • George Dubya Bush was Al Gore in disguise as Nikita Khrushchev and therefore never existed.
  • Nikita Khrushchev disguised Al Gore as George Dubya Bush for the benefit of Barack Obama who was disguised as the Mongolian delegate, and none of them ever existed.
  • Al Gore is the same as Barack Obama and disguised himself as Nikita Khrushchev so that he could make the Mongolian candidate think that he was George Dubya Bush disguised as a Mongol, and Al Gore, Barack Obama, the time machine, the Mongolian candidate, and George Dubya Bush turned into a shoe which Nikita Khrushchev banged against the podium.
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