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Shock Victims are a large and growing faction in tmodern American society. Shock Victims are useless people who annoy and disturb you (hence Shock) without even trying to annoy or disturb you. Shock Victims include idiots, losers, ditzes, hyperactive fools, dazed and confused persons, ex-schizophrenics, politicians voted out of office, very spastic drivers and anyone that bothers you that you can't avoid. Shock Victims never shut up and never say anything worth hearing. Almost everyone younger than 21 or older than 65 is a Shock Victim. Almost everyone who thinks they're in love are Shock Victims, too. Shock Victims are frequently seen in Wal-Marts and Los Angeles. Alcoholics, assholes,niggers,ex-boy/girlfriends that still call you, NASCAR fans, terrorists, high school students, compulsive text messagers, bad hummers and whistlers and most other manifestations of DEE-dee-dees are Shock Victims. There are some types that are immune from Shock, such as communists, veterans, astronauts, Evil Dictators, the Pope, Christopher Walken and Clint Eastwood. Shock Victims are loud and obnoxious, incoherent, aggravating and impossible to ignore. Darwin Awards are almost exclusively won by Shock Victims.
History of Shock Victims
Chiefly an American phenomenon, Shock Victims have indeed been part of U.S. and Western society since the beginning. However, in the past, they were much easier to avoid or get rid of. In colonial days, any village idiot who mouthed off, caused a ruckus or publicly embarrassed themselves generally got locked in the stocks, accused of being a witch/warlock and burned or thrown out of town, at which point they headed for the frontier and became pioneers, frequently dying from Indian attack or of typhus after breaking an axle on their wagon and being unable to repair it. For this reason, a very good test to find out if someone is a Shock Victim is to make them play "Oregon Trail." If they are unable to win - ever - then there is a 90% chance they are in Shock and always will be.
As the frontier closed, Shock Victims could no longer be easily excluded or ostracized, and modern technology has made it much harder to avoid Shock Victims, removing many opportunities for them to get themselves killed. Many Shock Victims ended up in L.A. because it is the only place in the U.S. where they are accepted as normal. The only benefit is that Shock Victims can and will do all the jobs normal people will not.
The Internet is now chiefly operated by Shock Victims, their proudest achievement being Wikipedia.
Shock Victims in Everyday Life
Dealings with Shock Victims are unavoidable and common. Some examples include:
- The dumass who throws on his brakes on the open road for no damn reason.
- Anyone who answers every cell phone call, no matter what they are doing - driving, during meetings, at the checkout counter, during church, or in a movie theater.
- Anyone you have to explain something to more than twice - especially if they're on a cell phone while you're explaining.
- Anyone who calls the IT department and the problem is the monitor wasn't on.
- People who can't do their jobs and it's obvious - see Wal-Mart and McDonald's - because of a crystal meth problem.
- People who can't operate an ATM - and you're behind them.
- The guy who when you are walking towards each other, and you move in the same direction, he keeps moving in that direction, and you both don't get anywhere
The important thing to do in a Shock Victim situation is to remain calm and patient - let the incident pass. Do not try to intervene. This will only complicate things and plunge the Victim into more Shocking behavior. The longer the interaction lasts, the more likely that you will lose your cool and then become a Shock Victim yourself.
Famous Shock Victims
- George W. Bush
- Emperor Nero
- James Buchanan
- George Armstrong Custer
- The Guy Who Turned the Radar off Before Pearl Harbor
- Paris Hilton
- Britney Spears
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Jared Fogle (Subway)
- The Burger King
- Jar Jar Binks
- Rocky Balboa
- Tom Cruise
- Richard Simmons
- Jerry Springer
- Danny Bonaduce
- Leif Garrett
- Vanilla Ice
- Mike Tyson
- Anna Kournikova
- Pittsburgh Pirates
- Oakland Raiders
- Philadelphia Flyers
- Axl Rose