Shipping Forecast

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Tune in next time eh?

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“And now the shipping forecast...”

~ Adam Glynn introducing the shipping forecast

“Now time for the shipping forecast... KABOOM”

~ Your radio when it's time for the forecast

“This is a low”

~ Damon Albarn on the shipping forecast

The shipping forecast is a radio show supposedly found on Northwick Park Hospital Radio, presented by Adam Glynn A.K.A The cunt of the show. Though you can never be sure.

[edit] Does it exist?

This is the big question. Many people have heard of it, but hardly anyone has actually heard it. Wierd, eh?

The shipping forecast supposedly happens 4 times a day, at 0048, 0520, xxxx and xxxx. This is because it only happens twice unless you use longwave. Which nobody does nowadays. The timings for the third and fourth broadcastings of the shipping forecast are rumoured to be known only by two people; Lord Lucan and Bigfoot.

The English government have set a stringent law in place that all people must be asleep by 0045 and cannot wake up before 0530. Anybody who breaks this law will immediately die. You have been warned.

There have been certain events where radios explode when the forecast approaches thus meaning the listener cannot tune in. A fine example of this occurred in 1952. In a phenomenal moment, later codenamed by "Ivy Mike" by the United States, millions of radio sets exploded merely seconds before the forecast was due. And you all thought it was just a coincidence.

[edit] Regions

Map of Sea Areas and referred to in the Shipping Forecast. Made on MS Paint.

And now the Shipping Forecast regions, issued by the Met Office on behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency and Your Mum sometime before now.

• Jock- the area of sea which covers most of Scotland. This region used to be called "Jockstrap" but then the strap broke causing tidal waves, tsunami's etc.
• 1337- this area got its name from the deranged accents of people from this area, who all speek Leet.
• LOL- a remarkable name for an area of outstanding natural ugliness. Back in 1945, or rather a quarter to eight in the evening, a ship desperately tried to send an SOS message from this area. But he was typing in the dark and send "LOL" instead. Which caused the people reading it to LOL too. Which is harsh, because they sank.
• Blur- Blur were rewarded for their efforts on their song "Isn't this Slow", all about the shipping forecast, by having a region named in their honour near their native Essex. Before that, this area was named "Chantelle Houghton".
• Dover FTW- The best region TBPFH. Theres nothing like rolling in the clover on the White Cliffs of Dover with you over and over is there? For. The. Win.
• Channel- SPONSORED BY P&O FERRIES. Seeing off Sea France, Your Mum and Picasso in a lucrative sponsorship deal, P&O Ferries paid millions to call this area of sea their own. And what do they get in return. Longer journeys due the high fuel prices and their name on one map that I made in MS Paint earlier. Weird. People will pay money for anything these days.
• ROFL- the French translation for Anthony Eden.
• Nelson- Bet you all thought this would be named after Horatio Nelson. Well you're wrong. It's Nelson Mandela actually. I mean look what he's done for the world, surely he deserves his own area?
• TOG- Ireland = Terry Wogan. All his old git radio listeners hang out here.
• Scouse- It is advised to steer clear of this region. Not just is the accent harsh on the ears but the Mersey Tunnel has been known to flood from time to time.
• South East Myspace- This was updated from "South East Iceland" only last year in order to make the shipping forecast more trendy for kids and general noobs.

[edit] The current forecast

"And now the Shipping Forecast, issued by the Met Office on behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency at some unearthly hour. Let's say 4am because you were all in bed whilst we were working, NOOBS. Get a life and get out of your 9 to 5 job.

There are warnings of randy drunk Scottish men, wearing kilts in the traditional manner, in JOCK.

The General Synopsis: The sea will be wet and liquid in most places, apart from 1337 where it is almost all frozen. So who here actually believes in Global Warming, eh? There is a low approaching from the south west. Heading towards the West End. IT'S BEHIND YOU!

JOCK. Rampaging haggis, about 6 or 7. Keep indoors at all times and rid yourselves of these beasts.

1337. It's icy. Get some Coke out of the fridge, or by some, about £2.99, or occasional high of £3. Chop off some ice and serve with drink. Do not shake well before using.

LOL. Visibility, absolutely terrible. Should've gone to Specsavers.

BLUR. Visibility, blurry. Strong winds prevalent from the rear ends of tipsy Essex girls.

DOVER FTW. There'll be blurbirds over the White Cliffs of Dover. So carry an umbrella to make sure you're not pooped on.

CHANNEL. P&O ferries line the boundary of this area and will sink any craft within 200 metres. So unless you are the Pride of Canterbury, please steer clear.

ROFL. Strong, sickening garlic-like smells in South-East. Oh wait, that's just the French.

NELSON. Poor visibility and lots of rain. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane. But as Nelson doesn't quite cover Spain, the rain will be falling on your boat, mister!

TOG. Lots of old gits, about 70 or 80 in age. Will try and offer stickers to put in your window. So hide all your portholes in advance.

SCOUSE. Liverpool and Everton fans will be arguing whether it will rain in this region. But I assure you, it will. After all, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.

SOUTH EAST MYSPACE. There will be lots of phishing going on (what a pun!) in this region. But don't tell anybody anything unless you are absolutely certain "www.myspace.com" is in the address.

That concludes the shipping forecast. We'll now join the BBC World Service."