From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- Holmes, take a look at this.
- What is it?
- This is some sort of encyclopedia!
- No, Watson, this is an Uncyclopedia.
- But how would you know this, Holmes?
- Note, first, the logo on the top-right. This is not a sphere; it is a potato. This, as I know from my experience, is the logo of the Uncyclopedia.
- Remarkable, Holmes!
- Elementary, Watson. Now let's take a look at this article.
- It's about you, Holmes!
- Well-deduced. Oh my ... what a wretched hive of unbound nonsense.
- Look at the picture on the right. What is that?
- It appears to have dubbed a statue of me as "frozen in carbonite."
- Holmes, we need to rewrite this article.
- And what would you mean by "we", Watson?
- You're the better writer, Watson. And I have to go solve the case of the missing memes.
- All right.
- Oh, and Watson, do try to keep an encyclopedic tone.
Sherlock Holmes was a world-renowned private detective of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. His amazing skills for deductive reasoning and observation made him one of the foremost consulting investigators of all time. His cases were chronicled, for the most part, by Dr John H Watson (under the identity of Sir Arthur "Detective Conan" Doyle), with whom he shared a flat at 221b Baker Street.
At present, he is retired with no plans of returning to full-time crime investigation.
Mr Holmes was born to a family whose ancestors were all country squires, in 1854. Holmes, however, would have a different future ahead of him than cleaning up the mess made by allegedly gallant knights. At 8, he was a child prodigy, showing great talent at the violin. This would, however, digress over time
such that by the time I started to cohabit with him, his rendition of Paganini's Caprice No. 24 became unbearable. His second elder brother Mycroft became jealous, and lost all motivation to do anything useful. Because of this, later he would join the British civil service.
Holmes went to Sidney Sussex College, where he developed an interest in chemistry. Subsequently, he would blow up the entire school before deducing that the person who had done it was himself. It was here that the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Professor James Moriarty, became the sworn nemesis of Sherlock Holmes after being beaten in a game of chess in three turns.
After graduating, he wished to put his knowledge of chemistry to good use, and attempted to join Scotland Yard, only to be rejected after making some embarrassing deductions about the supervising officer, all of which are left as an exercise for the reader's imagination. Briefly considering a foray into real estate and/or security hardware, he registered the company names "Sherlock's Locks" and "Holmes Homes" before deciding that such a foray was idiotic, and that those names sounded as though a teenaged youth with little or no life had conjured them up. Instead, he decided to set up a private consulting detective firm, one of the first of its kind.
It was at this point that I met Holmes, and together we tackled the case that Holmes wanted to call A Study in #FF2400 to promote a colour system he had just devised. However, I opted for recognisability and changed the title to A Study in Scarlet. After this, we tackled other cases, such as the one Holmes wished to call The Sign of 1002 to promote his Binary Number System, but which I managed to fix to The Sign of Four immediately before the book went to the presses. After this case followed a myriad of cases between 1888 and 1904, at which point Holmes retired to the Sussex Downs. From my examination of the books he had borrowed, which dealt with subjects such as insect hives and stings, I had deduced that Holmes was planning to pursue waspkeeping as a hobby; however, I was quite in the wrong there.
The Great Hiatus
- Ah, Holmes, you're back. Have you solved the case?
- It would appear so, Watson. A group of administrators and other advanced users have been carrying out a systematic genocide of Internet-specific memes, in the name of satire.
- How brutal! How did you figure this out, Holmes?
- Alas, this is where I feel I become less and less necessary, for all of this I found in the records of communications between users of this Uncyclopedia.
- We'll always have London, Holmes.
- I see you have rewritten this article a good deal, Watson.
- Which reminds me of something, Holmes. Oh, yes, do tell us about the time that you had disappeared.
- Ah, the Great Hiatus, as my followers have dubbed it.
- Well, Watson, the first thing I have to say was that your false account was spectacular.
- Thank you.
- Possibly a bit over-dramatic. No, I never went to such a place as Reichenbach Falls. In fact, I was nowhere on Earth.
- You'd fallen down a rabbit hole.
- I assure you, Watson, that this was in no way due to my cocaine addiction, and that it was entirely intentional. I did solve the case of the stolen tarts, which I see, Watson, you still have not recorded.
- Well, Holmes ...
- What do you mean, Watson, when you say that this experience was all a hallucination in a three-year coma induced by a cocaine overdose?
- I never said any such thing, Holmes.
- Are you sure, Watson?
- Very well, then. I shall now return briefly to the cocaine bottle, for this was more or less acceptable during the late Victorian period.
- So, Holmes, let us talk about your methods.
- Capital, Watson.
- Holmes, your trademark skill is that of astute observation coupled with deductive reasoning.
- In fact, as I recall, I had recently applied to the Intellectual Property Office for a trademark for you on Holmesian deduction®. If it worked, there should be little ® marks after the word Holmesian deduction®.
- Watson, what have I told you about commercialising our work?
- Anyway, tell us about Holmesian deduction®.
- Yes, it was during the 19th century, despite threats of the Crimean War, the Industrial Revolution and explosive dysentery, that I perfected the analytic technique of assessing available evidence, evaluating likelihoods and the construction of a framework within which the most probable outcome emerges.
- But of course.
- For example, Watson, I can deduce that you have been in Afghanistan just by the air of your appearance, with your medical background, military mood, tint of your skin, and the injury of your left arm. No unjustified hypothesis is required.
- From the use of Holmesian deduction®, Watson, can you guess some things about the identity of the reader?
- Err... Oh, yes. The username of the reader is IP.
- Watson, you're doing it wrong. You have not used any deduction whatsoever. Think about the potentials of this single piece of information!
- Ah, yes, but of course. The user page of this user is located at User:IP, and the user talk page is located at User talk:IP.
- Watson, Watson, Watson.
- But Holmes, do you feel that perhaps you are overusing Holmesian deduction®?
- Ah, Watson, surely you know that the reason I deduce personal details about everyone I meet is that I suffer from obsessive-compulsive deduction syndrome. It's a gift, and a curse.
- But what if modern criminals study your cases, determine exactly how they are likely to be caught, and thus use Holmesian deduction® to ironically form the basis of their plans?
- Watson, there will always be other methods available.
- So, Holmes -- What? Holmes, where are you?
- Sherlock Holmes?! You know about Sherlock Holmes?!
- Who are you? Where did you come from?
- I'm the Doctor.
- The Doctor. Time Lord, Gallifrey, 903 years old. Never heard of him?
- Holmes, your disguises are normally better than this one.
- Watson, I see your observation skills have improved. What gave it away? Was it the omission of the "h" sound at the beginning of some word? Was it the sheer shortness of the scarf?
- No, Holmes. It is the mere fact that you chose to disguise yourself in a section about disguise.
- You're right, Watson. I will have to be more careful in the future.
Weapons and martial arts
- So, Holmes, is it true that you are a great fist-fighter?
- Well, I did box for a short while at Sidney Sussex.
- You are, however, a great deal better at the martial arts, I presume?
- Yes, but what use are either of those when we have both whips and revolvers, Watson?
- So, Holmes, one of your greatest nemeses was Professor Moriarty.
- The Napoleon of crime, Watson. He was the very archetype of the modern supervillain. Far too intelligent for the world's own good --
- Holmes, tell me. Was he really such a nemesis?
- That is quite trivial, Watson!
- So how come he's only appeared in two of our cases, Holmes, one of which was entirely fabricated?!
- Yes, Holmes. He appeared in "The Final Problem", the fictionalised account of your demise; and in The Valley of Fear where, while he did not make a direct appearance, he nevertheless played a direct role.
- Watson, are you suggesting that --
- Yes, Holmes, I am suggesting that you developed a split personality disorder while researching the latter case!
- Are you suggesting that Professor Moriarty never existed?!
- You know, a composite of Ramanujan and Gauss, the mathematicians, and some master criminals --
- Watson, my cocaine intake is not damaging in any way to my health!
- We're going to Sigmund Freud's office, Holmes, and that's final.
One more thing
- Holmes, may I broach a rather sensitive subject to conclude this article?
- Why not, Watson?
- Now, Dr Gregory House, the main character of the FOX TV show House MD, is said to have some basis upon you --
- The absolute impostor! The impostor! He's a fraud, Watson! Can you believe that he uses anything less than 7% cocaine solution?! He's never quite at the level of insanity --
- I think we'd better leave for Dr Freud before you hurt yourself, Holmes. Let's return to our stagecoach.
- A Treatise upon Different Kinds of Tobacco Ash
- An Analysis of the Geological Differences of London Earth
- A Practical Handbook of Bee Culture
- An Evaluation of Efficient and Accurate Methods of Crime Scene Investigation
- On the Identification of Various Species of Trees from a Considerably Great Distance
- On Returns of Definitely Deceased Ex-Parrots Who Are Members of the Choir Invisible
- On Complete Irrelevance and Bingle Bongle Dingle Dangle Yickety-Doo Yickety-Dah Ping Pong Lippy Tappy Too Tah
- Impostors, I tell you, IP! Impostors!
- Come off it, Holmes, please.
- ↑ This future was left to the eldest brother Sherrinford, who would come to strongly resent his younger brothers.
- ↑ Believe it or not, apparently this is an actual theory put forward by a man named Mark Bourne, who wrote "The Case of the Detective's Smile". We salute you, Mr Bourne. We salute you indeed.
- ↑ After this point, I resolved to omit any mention of Holmes's cocaine addiction from my interview, for he would compulsively reach for that very drug when I mentioned it. As a famous songstress once noted, "isn't it ironic?" -- John H Watson, MD