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- Holmes, take a look at this.
- What is it?
- This is some sort of encyclopædia!
- No, Watson, this is an Uncyclopædia.
- But how would you know this, Holmes?
- Note, first, the logo on the top-right. This is not a sphere; it is a potato. This, as I know from my experience, is the logo of the Uncyclopædia. Also examine the serif-less typeface, and we all know any respectable encyclopædias are always set in a serif font.
- Remarkable, Holmes!
- Elementary, Watson. Now let us take a look at this article.
- It's about you, Holmes!
- Well-deduced. Oh my ... what a wretched hive of unbound nonsense.
- Look at the picture on the right. What is that?
- It appears to have dubbed a statue of me as "frozen in carbonite."
- Holmes, we need to rewrite this article.
- And what would you mean by "we", Watson?
- You are the better writer, after all, Watson. And I have to go solve the case of the missing memes, for which I have been called to this website.
- All right.
- Oh, and Watson, do try to keep an encyclopædic tone.
Sherlock Holmes was a world-renowned private detective of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. His amazing skills for deductive reasoning and observation made him one of the foremost consulting investigators of all time. His companion, Dr John H Watson, with whom he shared a flat at 221b Baker Street, chronicled many of his cases under the identity of Sir Arthur "Detective Conan" Doyle.
At present, he is retired with no plans of returning to full-time crime investigation.
Mr Holmes was born to a family whose ancestors were all country squires, in 1854. Holmes, however, would have a different future ahead of him than cleaning up the mess made by allegedly gallant knights. At 8, he was a child prodigy, showing great talent at the violin. This talent would, unfortunately, digress over time such that by the time I started to cohabit with him, his rendition of Paganini's Caprice No. 24 became unbearable. His second elder brother Mycroft became jealous, and lost all motivation to do anything useful. Because of this, later he would join the British civil service.
Holmes went to Sidney Sussex College, where he developed an interest in chemistry. Subsequently, he would blow up the entire school before deducing that the person who had done it was himself. It was here that, according to Holmes, the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Professor James Moriarty, became the sworn nemesis of Sherlock Holmes after being beaten in a game of chess in three turns.
After graduating, he wished to put his knowledge of chemistry to good use, and attempted to join Scotland Yard, only to be rejected after making some embarrassing deductions about the supervising officer. Briefly considering a foray into real estate and/or security hardware, he registered the company names "Sherlock's Locks" and "Holmes Homes" before deciding that such a foray was idiotic, and that those names sounded as though a teenaged youth with little or no life had conjured them up. Instead, he decided to set up a private consulting detective firm, one of the first of its kind.
It was at this point that I met Holmes, and together we tackled the case that Holmes wanted to call A Study in #FF2400 to promote a colour system devised by Holmes himself. However, I opted for recognisability and changed the title to A Study in Scarlet. After this, we tackled other cases, such as the one Holmes wished to call The Sign of 1002 to promote his Binary Number System, but which I managed to fix to The Sign of Four immediately before the book went to the presses. After this case followed a myriad of cases between 1888 and 1904, at which point Holmes retired to the Sussex Downs. From my examination of the books he had borrowed, which dealt with subjects such as insect hives and stings, I had deduced that Holmes was planning to pursue waspkeeping as a hobby; however, I was thankfully quite in the wrong there.
The Great Hiatus
- Ah, Holmes, you're back. Have you solved the case?
- It would appear so, Watson. A group of administrators and other advanced users have been carrying out a systematic genocide of Internet-specific memes, in the name of satire.
- How brutal! How did you figure this out, Holmes?
- Alas, this is where I feel I become less and less necessary, for all of this I found in the records of communications between users of this Uncyclopedia.
- We'll always have London, Holmes.
- I see you have rewritten this article a good deal, Watson.
- Which reminds me of something, Holmes. Oh, yes, do tell us about the time that you had disappeared.
- Ah, the Great Hiatus, as my followers have dubbed it.
- Well, Watson, the first thing I have to say is that your false account was spectacular.
- Thank you.
- Possibly a bit over-dramatic. No, I never went to such a place as Reichenbach Falls, as was outlined in "The Final Problem", wherein I wrestled with Moriarty and fell off a rather inconveniently high precipice. No, this never happened on this Earth. In fact, I was nowhere on Earth.
- You'd fallen down a rabbit hole, you say.
- I assure you, Watson, that this was in no way due to my cocaine addiction, and that the fall was entirely intentional. I did solve the case of the stolen tarts, which I see, Watson, you still have not recorded.
- Well, Holmes ...
- What do you mean, Watson, when you say that this experience was all a hallucination in a three-year coma whose cause was a cocaine overdose?
- I never said any such thing, Holmes.
- Are you sure, Watson?
- Very well, then. I shall now return briefly to the cocaine bottle, for this was more or less acceptable during the late Victorian period.
- So, Holmes, let us talk about your methods.
- Capital, Watson.
- Holmes, your trademark skill is that of astute observation coupled with deductive reasoning.
- In fact, as I recall, I had recently applied to the Intellectual Property Office for a trademark for you on Holmesian deduction®. If it worked, there should be little ® marks after the word Holmesian deduction®.
- Watson, what have I told you about commercialising our work?
- Anyway, tell us about Holmesian deduction®.
- Yes, it was during the 19th century, despite the looming threats of the Crimean War, the Industrial Revolution and explosive dysentery, that I perfected the analytic technique of assessing available evidence, evaluating likelihoods and the construction of a framework within which the most probable outcome emerges.
- But of course.
- For example, Watson, I can deduce that you have been in Afghanistan merely by the air of your appearance, with your medical background, military mood, tint of your skin, and the injury of your left arm. I require no unjustified hypothesis to deduce this.
- Elementary. From the use of Holmesian deduction®, Watson, can you guess some things about the identity of the reader?
- Err... Oh, yes. The username of the reader is IP.
- Watson, you fail to reason from what you see! Think about the potential of this single piece of information!
- Ah, yes, but of course. I deduce that the user page of this user is located at User:IP, and the user talk page is located at User talk:IP.
- Watson, Watson, Watson.
- But Holmes, do you feel that perhaps you are overusing Holmesian deduction®?
- Ah, Watson, surely you know that the reason I deduce personal details about everyone I meet is that I suffer from obsessive-compulsive deduction syndrome -- a gift, and a curse.
- But what if modern criminals study your cases and determine exactly how they are likely to be caught, thus using Holmesian deduction® to ironically form the basis of their plans?
- Watson, there will always be ... other ... methods available.
- So, Holmes -- What? Holmes, where are you?
- Sherlock Holmes?! You know about Sherlock Holmes?!
- Who are you? Where did you come from?
- I'm the Doctor.
- The Doctor. Time Lord, Gallifrey, 903 years old. Never heard of him?
- Holmes, your disguises are normally better than this one.
- Watson, I see your observation skills have improved. What gave it away? Was it the omission of the "h" sound at the beginning of some word? Was it the sheer shortness of the scarf?
- No, Holmes. It is the mere fact that you chose to disguise yourself in a section about disguise.
- You're right, Watson. I will have to be more careful in the future.
- But Holmes, you are indeed a master of disguise. You are absolutely unrecognisable when you are in disguise.
- Very true, Watson.
- For example, you were in an opium den, disguised so convincingly as an opium addict, in both behaviour and appearance.
- I remember. Was this not in the case of the man with the twisted lip?
- Yes, Holmes. Say, has it occurred to you that such disguises may cause you to run into any trouble with the police?
- What could you possibly mean, Watson?
- Holmes, are you unaware that opium is an illegal drug? What if Scotland Yard had caught you, but not as Sherlock Holmes, renowned and valued consultant, but as some low-life?
- I would reveal myself, naturally.
- Holmes, you were just impersonating Sir Doctor of TARDIS, who, I believe, is now an enemy of the crown, and is known to be able to change his face. What in that case, Holmes?
- I presume that, in that sort of case, the only option would be for you to post bail for me.
- Holmes, Holmes, Holmes.
Weapons and martial arts
- So, Holmes, were you really once a great fist-fighter?
- Well, I did box for a short while at Sidney Sussex.
- You are, however, a great deal better at the martial arts, I presume?
- Yes, but what use are either of those when we have both whips and revolvers, Watson?
- So, Holmes, one of your greatest nemeses was Professor Moriarty.
- The Napoleon of crime, Watson. He was the very archetype of the modern supervillain. Far too intelligent for the world's own good --
- Holmes, tell me. Was he really such a nemesis?
- That is quite trivial, Watson!
- So how come he has only appeared in two of our cases, Holmes, one of which was entirely fabricated?!
- Yes, Holmes. He appeared in "The Final Problem", the fictionalised account of your demise; and in The Valley of Fear where, while he did not make a direct appearance, he nevertheless played a direct role. These were, however, the only cases.
- Watson, are you suggesting that --
- Yes, Holmes, I am suggesting that you developed a split personality disorder while researching the latter case!
- Are you suggesting that Professor Moriarty never existed?!
- Holmes, the man does appear to be a composite of Ramanujan and Gauss, the mathematicians, and some master criminals that you may have --
- Watson, my cocaine intake is not damaging in any way to my health!
- We're going to Sigmund Freud's office, Holmes, and that's final. This is for your own good. I fear this waspkeeping --
- -- beekeeping --
- -- beekeeping business may have aggravated the situation.
- Before we leave, Holmes, I think we should talk about your legacy.
- Simply the best detective in all of history, Watson. Such a legacy will do.
- You do realise your utter arrogance in saying that?
- What, Watson? You believe those impostors at Scotland Yard are at all at my level?
- Holmes, if they had not brought you those cases, you would have been sitting idly --
- -- and instead I may have discovered, isolated and determined all chemical properties of the noble gases, and would have been an honoured member of the Royal Society.
- Holmes, you would be an utter unknown had I not --
- Watson, Watson, Watson. Do you realise how utterly egotistical you sound in saying that?
- I am changing the subject, and then we are going to take a train to Vienna to meet Dr Freud.
- Capital. Carry on, Watson.
One more thing
- Oh, but Holmes, may I broach a rather sensitive subject to conclude this article?
- Why not, Watson?
- Now, Dr Gregory House, the main character of the FOX TV show House MD, is said to have some basis upon you --
- The absolute impostor! The impostor! He's a fraud, Watson! Can you believe that he uses anything less than 7% cocaine solution?! He's never quite at the level of insanity --
- I think we'd better leave for Dr Freud before you hurt yourself, Holmes. Let's return to our stagecoach.
- A Treatise upon Different Kinds of Tobacco Ash
- An Analysis of the Geological Differences of London Earth
- A Practical Handbook of Bee Culture
- An Evaluation of Efficient and Accurate Methods of Crime Scene Investigation
- On the Identification of Various Species of Trees from a Considerably Great Distance
- On Returns of Definitely Deceased Ex-Parrots Who Are Members of the Choir Invisible
- On Complete Irrelevance and Bingle Bongle Dingle Dangle Yickety-Doo Yickety-Dah Ping Pong Lippy Tappy Too Tah
- Impostors, I tell you, IP! Impostors!
- Come off it, Holmes, please.
- ↑ This future was left to the eldest brother Sherrinford, who would come to strongly resent his younger brothers.
- ↑ According to some speculators, he is the British civil service. This would explain the extent of efficiency of the British civil service.
- ↑ All of these deductions are left as an exercise for the reader's imagination.
- ↑ Believe it or not, apparently this is an actual theory put forward by a man named Mark Bourne, who wrote "The Case of the Detective's Smile". We salute you, Mr Bourne. We salute you indeed.
- ↑ After this point, I resolved to omit any mention of Holmes's cocaine addiction from my interview, for he would compulsively reach for that very drug when I mentioned it. As a famous songstress once noted, "isn't it ironic?"
- ↑ At this point, I paused and reflected on how utterly arrogant Holmes was in evaluating his life.
- ↑ At this point, I gave up.
—John H Watson, MD