Sherlock Holmes

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<div style="border-top:1px solid silver; border-bottom:1px solid silver; padding-top:5px; padding-bottom:5px; margin-bottom:20px">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;'' '''Whoops!''' Maybe you were looking for '''[[Holmes (disambiguation)|a different Holmes]]'''? ''</div>
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{{Listen|filename=Holmes.mp3|title=Sherlock Holmes|description=Borrowed the phonograph from Edison. Owes Holmes a favour, like any other important person of the times.}}
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:''Holmes, take a look at this.''
 
:''Holmes, take a look at this.''
 
:'''''What is it?'''''
 
:'''''What is it?'''''
:''This is some sort of [[encyclopedia]]!''
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:''This is some sort of [[encyclopedia|encyclopædia]]!''
:'''''No, Watson, this is an [[Uncyclopedia]].'''''
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:'''''No, Watson, this is an [[Uncyclopædia]].'''''
 
:''But how would you know this, Holmes?''
 
:''But how would you know this, Holmes?''
:'''''Note, first, the logo on the top-right. This is not a sphere; it is [[Sophia|a potato]]. This, as I know from my experience, is the logo of the [[Uncyclopedia]].'''''
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:'''''Note, first, the logo on the top-left. This is not a sphere; it is [[Sophia|a potato]]. This, as I know from my experience, is the logo of the [[Uncyclopedia|Uncyclopædia]]. Also examine the serif-less typeface, and we all know any respectable encyclopædias are always set in [[tradition|a serif font]].'''''
 
:''Remarkable, Holmes!''
 
:''Remarkable, Holmes!''
:'''''Elementary, Watson. Now let's take a look at this article.'''''
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:'''''Elementary, Watson. Now let us take a look at this article.'''''
:''It's about you, Holmes!''
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:''Holmes, you are the subject of this entry!''
:'''''Well-deduced. Oh my ... what a wretched hive of unbound nonsense.'''''
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:'''''Well-deduced. Oh my ... [{{fullurl:{{FULLPAGENAME}}|oldid=3994445}} what a wretched hive of unbound nonsense.]'''''
 
:''Look at the picture on the right. What is that?''
 
:''Look at the picture on the right. What is that?''
[[Image:sherlockh.jpg|thumb|right|The Great Detective, after being frozen in carbonite.]]
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[[Image:sherlockh.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The Great Detective, after being frozen in carbonite.]]
 
:'''''It appears to have dubbed a statue of me as "frozen in carbonite."'''''
 
:'''''It appears to have dubbed a statue of me as "frozen in carbonite."'''''
:''Holmes, we need to rewrite this article.''
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:''Holmes, we need to rewrite [http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/index.php?title=Sherlock_Holmes&direction=prev&oldid=3948282 this article.]''
 
:'''''And what would you mean by "we", Watson?'''''
 
:'''''And what would you mean by "we", Watson?'''''
 
:''What?''
 
:''What?''
:'''''You're the better writer, Watson. And I have to go solve the case of the missing memes.'''''
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:'''''You are the better writer, after all, Watson. And I have to go solve the case of the missing memes, for which I have been called to this website.'''''
 
:''All right.''
 
:''All right.''
:'''''Oh, and Watson, do try to keep an encyclopedic tone.'''''
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:'''''Oh, and Watson, do try to keep an encyclopædic tone.'''''
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:''Do try to stop playing your violin at three in the morning!''
   
'''Sherlock Holmes''' was a [[world]]-renowned private detective of the [[old|late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries]]. His amazing skills for [[logic|deductive reasoning]] and observation made him one of the foremost consulting investigators of all time. His cases were chronicled, for the most part, by Dr John H Watson (under the identity of Sir Arthur "[[Manga|Detective Conan]]" Doyle), with whom he shared a flat at 221b Baker Street.
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'''Sherlock Holmes''' was a [[world]]-renowned private detective of the [[old|late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries]]. His amazing skills for [[logic|deductive reasoning]] and observation made him one of the foremost consulting investigators of all time. His companion, Dr John H Watson, with whom he shared a flat at 221b Baker Street, chronicled many of his cases under the identity of Sir Arthur "[[Manga|Detective Conan]]" Doyle.
   
 
At present, he is retired with no plans of returning to full-time crime investigation.
 
At present, he is retired with no plans of returning to full-time crime investigation.
   
 
== Biography ==
 
== Biography ==
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[[Image:Holmesviolin.png|right|thumb|200px|''In fact, I am inclined to believe that Holmes was singularly responsible for the sharp decline in popularity of classical music.'']]
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Mr Holmes was born in 1854, to a family whose ancestors were all country squires. Holmes, however, would have a different [[future]] ahead of him than cleaning up the mess made by [[chivalry|allegedly gallant knights]].<ref>This future was left to the eldest brother Sherrinford, who would come to strongly resent his younger brothers.</ref> At the age of 8, he was a child prodigy, showing great talent at the [[violin]]. This talent would, unfortunately, decline over time <font color="scarlet">such that by the time I started to cohabit with him, his rendition of Paganini's Caprice No. 24 became unbearable</font>. His second elder brother, Mycroft, became jealous and lost all motivation to do anything useful. Because of this, he would later join the British [[government|civil service]]<ref>According to some speculators, he '''is''' the British civil service. This would explain the extent of efficiency of the British civil service.</ref>.
   
Mr Holmes was born to a family whose ancestors were all country squires, in 1854. Holmes, however, would have a different [[future]] ahead of him than cleaning up the mess made by [[chivalry|allegedly gallant knights]].<ref>This future was left to the eldest brother Sherrinford, who would come to strongly resent his younger brothers.</ref> At 8, he was a child prodigy, showing great talent at the [[violin]]. This would, however, digress over time <s>such that by the time I started to cohabit with him, his rendition of Paganini's Caprice No. 24 became unbearable</s>. His second elder brother Mycroft became jealous, and lost all motivation to do anything useful. Because of this, later he would join the British [[government|civil service]].
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Holmes went to Sidney Sussex College, where he developed an interest in chemistry. Subsequently, he would blow up the entire school before deducing that the person who had done it was [[obvious|himself]]. It was here that, according to Holmes, the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Professor James Moriarty, became his sworn nemesis after being beaten in a game of chess in only three turns.
   
Holmes went to Sidney Sussex College, where he developed an interest in chemistry. Subsequently, he would blow up the entire school before deducing that the person who had done it was [[obvious|himself]]. It was here that the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Professor James Moriarty, became the sworn nemesis of Sherlock Holmes after being beaten in a game of chess in three turns.
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After graduating, he wished to put his knowledge of chemistry to good use, and attempted to join [[Scotland Yard]], only to be rejected after making some embarrassing deductions about the supervising officer<ref>All of these deductions are left as an exercise for the reader's imagination.</ref>. Vengeful and wishing to exert more power over Scotland Yard than could possibly be imagined, Holmes decided to set up a private consulting detective firm, one of the first of its kind.
   
After graduating, he wished to put his knowledge of chemistry to good use, and attempted to join [[Scotland Yard]], only to be rejected after making some embarrassing deductions about the supervising officer, all of which are left as an exercise for the reader's imagination. Briefly considering a foray into [[real estate]] and/or [[security]] hardware, he registered the company names "Sherlock's Locks" and "Holmes Homes" before deciding that such a foray was idiotic, and that those names sounded as though a teenaged youth with little or no life had conjured them up. Instead, he decided to set up a private consulting detective firm, one of the first of its kind.
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<font color="scarlet">It was at this point that I met Holmes, and together we tackled the case that Holmes wanted to call ''A Study in Scarlet''. After this, we tackled other cases, such as the one called ''The Sign of Four''. After this case followed a myriad of cases between 1888 and 1904, at which point Holmes retired to the Sussex Downs. From my examination of the books he had borrowed, which dealt with subjects such as insect hives and stings, I had deduced that Holmes was planning to pursue waspkeeping as a hobby; however, I was thankfully quite in the wrong there.</font>
   
[[Image:Vampireholmes.jpg|thumb|400px|right|Holmes, Holmes, Holmes. What would we ever do without you?]]
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<font color="scarlet">[[Dr. Watson|DrWatson]], vanity articles are not allowed.—[[Undictionary:S#Sysop|SysAdmin]] 20:09 9 Feb 2009</font>
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:<font color="scarlet">[[Undictionary:S#Sysop|SysAdmin]], what is your problem? Article restored.—[[Adminses|Admin42]] 20:12 9 Feb 2009</font>
<s>It was at this point that I met Holmes, and together we tackled the case that Holmes wanted to call ''A Study in #FF2400'' to promote a colour system he had just devised. However, I opted for recognisability and changed the title to ''A Study in Scarlet''. After this, we tackled other cases, such as the one Holmes wished to call ''The Sign of 100<sub>2</sub>'' to promote his Binary Number System, but which I managed to fix to ''The Sign of Four'' immediately before the book went to the presses. After this case followed a myriad of cases between 1888 and 1904, at which point Holmes retired to the Sussex Downs. From my examination of the books he had borrowed, which dealt with subjects such as insect hives and stings, I had deduced that Holmes was planning to pursue waspkeeping as a hobby; however, I was quite in the wrong there.</s>
 
 
<font color="scarlet">[[User:DrWatson|DrWatson]], vanity articles are not allowed. -[[User:SysAdmin|SysAdmin]] 20:09 9 Feb 2009</font>
 
:<font color="scarlet">[[User:SysAdmin|SysAdmin]], what is your problem? Article restored. -[[User:Admin42|Admin42]] 20:12 9 Feb 2009</font>
 
   
 
=== The Great Hiatus ===
 
=== The Great Hiatus ===
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  +
Holmes disappeared from the world, presumed dead by everyone in a struggle between him and Professor Moriarty, his sworn nemesis. Fans have dubbed this period between 1891 and 1894 the "Great Hiatus". However, as it turns out, my account of the story was entirely fabricated.
   
 
:''Ah, Holmes, you're back. Have you solved the case?''
 
:''Ah, Holmes, you're back. Have you solved the case?''
:'''''It would appear so, Watson. [[UN:IC|A group of administrators and other advanced users]] have been carrying out a systematic [[genocide]] of Internet-specific [[meme]]s, in the name of [[satire]].
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:'''''It would appear so, Watson. [[UN:IC|A group of administrators and other advanced users]] have been carrying out a systematic [[genocide]] of Internet-specific [[meme]]s, in the name of [[satire]].'''''
 
:''How brutal! How did you figure this out, Holmes?''
 
:''How brutal! How did you figure this out, Holmes?''
 
:'''''Alas, this is where I feel I become less and less necessary, for all of this I found in the records of communications between users of this Uncyclopedia.'''''
 
:'''''Alas, this is where I feel I become less and less necessary, for all of this I found in the records of communications between users of this Uncyclopedia.'''''
:''We'll always have London, Holmes.''
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:''We shall always have London, Holmes.''
 
:'''''I see you have rewritten this article a good deal, Watson.'''''
 
:'''''I see you have rewritten this article a good deal, Watson.'''''
 
:''Which reminds me of something, Holmes. Oh, yes, do tell us about the time that you had disappeared.''
 
:''Which reminds me of something, Holmes. Oh, yes, do tell us about the time that you had disappeared.''
:'''''Ah, the Great Hiatus, as my followers have dubbed it.'''''
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:'''''Ah, the "Great Hiatus", as my followers have dubbed it.'''''
 
:''Precisely.''
 
:''Precisely.''
:'''''Well, Watson, the first thing I have to say was that your false account was spectacular.'''''
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:'''''Well, Watson, I must say that your false account of this hiatus was spectacular.'''''
 
:''Thank you.''
 
:''Thank you.''
:'''''Possibly a bit over-dramatic. No, I never went to such a place as Reichenbach Falls. In fact, I was nowhere on Earth.'''''
+
:'''''Possibly a bit over-dramatic, although I do wish I were able to look into coal-tar derivatives. No, I never went to such a place as Reichenbach Falls, as was outlined in "The Final Problem", wherein I wrestled with Moriarty and fell off a rather inconveniently high precipice. None of this ever happened on this Earth. In fact, I was nowhere on Earth.'''''
:''You'd fallen down a rabbit hole.''
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:''You had fallen down a rabbit hole, you say.''
:'''''I assure you, Watson, that this was in no way due to my cocaine addiction, and that it was entirely intentional. I did solve the case of the stolen tarts, which I see, Watson, you still have not recorded.'''''<ref>Believe it or not, apparently this is an actual theory put forward by a man named Mark Bourne, who wrote "The Case of the Detective's Smile". We salute you, Mr Bourne. We salute you indeed.</ref>
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[[Image:Hatterjoker1.jpg|thumb|right|200px|'''''I also deduced, Watson, that this poor man was suffering from both mercury poisoning and lead poisoning. It was no wonder, then, that the man was mad as a hatter.''''']]
:''Well, Holmes ...''
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:'''''I assure you, Watson, that this was in no way due to my cocaine addiction, and that the fall was entirely intentional. I did solve the case of the stolen tarts, which I see, Watson, you still have not recorded.'''''<ref>Believe it or not, apparently this is an actual theory put forward by a man named Mark Bourne, who wrote "The Case of the Detective's Smile". We salute you, Mr Bourne. We salute you indeed.</ref>
:'''''What do you mean, Watson, when you say that this experience was all a hallucination in a three-year coma induced by a cocaine overdose?'''''<ref>After this point, I resolved to omit any mention of Holmes's cocaine addiction from my interview, for he would compulsively reach for that very drug when I mentioned it. As a famous [[Alanis Morrisette|songstress]] once noted, "isn't it ironic?" -- John H Watson, MD</ref>
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:''Just a minute, Holmes. I wish to expound upon my text on the Great Hiatus in this article.''
  +
  +
Holmes himself has repeatedly claimed that he was trapped in Wonderland, of ''[[Alice in Wonderland]]'' fame. However, I can affirm the truth that Holmes's cocaine habit—which I have repeatedly discouraged—led to the Great Hiatus.
  +
  +
It all began when Holmes and I were sitting in our offices in Baker Street. Holmes was thinking very hard that day on a certain case involving a golden phonograph—a case that I shall one day outline—when he reached for his pipe. Unfortunately, that day his absent-mindedness led to his reaching for his [[cocaine]] bottle instead. Evidently he took [[overdose|too much]] of the vice, for soon enough, Holmes collapsed on the floor.
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  +
For an instant, I thought the great man was dead. I rushed to his side, attempting some sort of diagnosis of his condition. I feared for the worst when I rushed him to St Mary's Hospital, and the doctors there affirmed my fears: Holmes's cocaine overdose had resulted in a coma that could last anywhere between two and twenty years. This was the "Great Hiatus"—a three-year coma resulting from a cocaine overdose.
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:'''''What do you mean to say, Watson? That this experience was all a hallucination in a three-year coma whose cause was a cocaine overdose?!'''''<ref>After this point, I resolved to omit any mention of Holmes's cocaine addiction from my interview, for he would compulsively reach for that very drug when I mentioned it. As a famous [[Alanis Morrisette|songstress]] once noted, "isn't it ironic?"</ref>
 
:''I never said any such thing, Holmes.''
 
:''I never said any such thing, Holmes.''
 
:'''''Are you sure, Watson?'''''
 
:'''''Are you sure, Watson?'''''
 
:''Quite.''
 
:''Quite.''
 
:'''''Very well, then. I shall now return briefly to the cocaine bottle, for this was more or less acceptable during the late Victorian period.'''''
 
:'''''Very well, then. I shall now return briefly to the cocaine bottle, for this was more or less acceptable during the late Victorian period.'''''
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:''Be careful to only briefly return to it, Holmes.''
   
 
== Methods ==
 
== Methods ==
   
:''So, Holmes, let us talk about your methods.''
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:''Now, Holmes, let us talk about your methods.''
 
:'''''Capital, Watson.'''''
 
:'''''Capital, Watson.'''''
   
Line 67: Line 72:
 
:''Holmes, your trademark skill is that of astute observation coupled with deductive reasoning.''
 
:''Holmes, your trademark skill is that of astute observation coupled with deductive reasoning.''
 
:'''''Elementary.'''''
 
:'''''Elementary.'''''
:''In fact, as I recall, I had recently applied to the Intellectual Property Office for a trademark for you on Holmesian deduction®. If it worked, there should be little ® marks after the word Holmesian deduction®.
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:''In fact, as I recall, I had recently applied to the Intellectual Property Office for a trademark for you on Holmesian deduction®. If it worked, there should be little ® marks after the word Holmesian deduction®.''
 
:'''''Watson, what have I told you about commercialising our work?'''''
 
:'''''Watson, what have I told you about commercialising our work?'''''
 
:''Anyway, tell us about Holmesian deduction®.''
 
:''Anyway, tell us about Holmesian deduction®.''
:'''''Yes, it was during the [[19th century]], despite threats of the [[Crimean War]], the [[Industrial Revolution]] and explosive dysentery, that I perfected the analytic technique of assessing available evidence, evaluating likelihoods and the construction of a framework within which the most probable outcome emerges.'''''
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:'''''Yes, it was during the [[19th century]], despite the looming threats of the [[Crimean War]], the [[Industrial Revolution]] and explosive dysentery, that I perfected the analytic technique of assessing available evidence, evaluating likelihoods and the construction of a framework within which the most probable outcome emerges.'''''
 
:''But of course.''
 
:''But of course.''
[[Image:Holmes.png|right|thumb|300px|''With Holmesian deduction®, I am able to deduce from Holmes's downward gaze and shape of his hand that he is text-messaging on an imaginary BlackBerry.'' '''''Wrong, Watson.''''']]
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[[Image:Holmes.png|right|thumb|200px|''With Holmesian deduction®, I am able to deduce from Holmes's downward gaze and shape of his left hand that he is text-messaging on an imaginary BlackBerry.'' '''''Wrong, Watson.''''']]
:'''''For example, Watson, I can deduce that you have been in Afghanistan just by the air of your appearance, with your medical background, military mood, tint of your skin, and the injury of your left arm. No unjustified hypothesis is required.'''''
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:'''''For example, Watson, I can deduce that you have been in Afghanistan merely by the air of your appearance, with your medical background, military mood, tint of your skin, and the injury of your left arm. I require no unjustified hypothesis to deduce this.'''''
:''Remarkable.''
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:''Remarkable!''
:'''''From the use of Holmesian deduction®, Watson, can you guess some things about the identity of the reader?'''''
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:'''''Elementary. Now, Watson, let us see if you cannot use Holmesian deduction® to infer details about the reader?'''''
:''Err... Oh, yes. The username of the reader is {{USERNAME|IP}}.''
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:''Err... Oh, yes. The reader is {{USERNAME}}.''
:'''''Watson, you're doing it wrong. You have not used any deduction whatsoever. Think about the potentials of this single piece of information!'''''
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:'''''Watson, you fail to reason from what you see! Think about the potential of this single piece of information!'''''
:''Ah, yes, but of course. The user page of this user is located at User:{{USERNAME|IP}}, and the user talk page is located at User talk:{{USERNAME|IP}}.
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:''Ah, yes, but of course. I can then deduce that the user page of this user is located at User:{{USERNAME}}, and the user talk page is located at User talk:{{USERNAME}}.
 
:'''''Watson, Watson, Watson.'''''
 
:'''''Watson, Watson, Watson.'''''
:''But Holmes, do you feel that perhaps you are overusing Holmesian deduction®?''
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:''But Holmes, could it not be that perhaps you are overusing Holmesian deduction®?''
:'''''Ah, Watson, surely you know that the reason I deduce personal details about everyone I meet is that I suffer from [[Monk|obsessive-compulsive deduction syndrome]]. It's [[Cliché|a gift, and a curse]].'''''
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:'''''Ah, Watson, surely you know that the reason I deduce personal details about everyone I meet is that I suffer from [[Monk|obsessive-compulsive deduction syndrome]][[Cliché|a gift, and a curse]].'''''
:''But what if modern criminals study your cases, determine exactly how they are likely to be caught, and thus use Holmesian deduction® to [[irony|ironically]] form the basis of their plans?
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:''But what, Holmes, if modern criminals study your cases and determine exactly how they are likely to be caught, thus using Holmesian deduction® to [[irony|ironically]] form the basis of their plans?
:'''''Watson, there will always be [[waterboarding|other]] [[24 (television show)|methods]] [[torture|available]].
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:'''''Watson, there will always be ... [[waterboarding|other]] ... [[24 (television show)|methods]] [[torture|available]].'''''
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  +
Holmesian deduction® is one of Holmes's trademark skills, and a method that has endured the past century and utilised in real-life police. Assessing available evidence within a carefully designed framework, Holmes is able to deduce the most probable outcome without making unjustified assumptions. One such example is Holmes deducing the fact that I had been in Afghanistan, near the beginning of ''A Study in Scarlet'', purely from concrete evidence and deductions from that evidence. Should Holmesian deduction® fail, however, Holmes appears to have [[torture|enhanced interrogation techniques]] in store.
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:''There, that should be enough on your deductive reasoning techniques.''
   
 
=== Disguise ===
 
=== Disguise ===
   
:''So, Holmes -- What? Holmes, where are you?''
+
:''Now, Holmes—What? Holmes, where are you?''
 
:'''''Sherlock Holmes?! You know about Sherlock Holmes?!'''''
 
:'''''Sherlock Holmes?! You know about Sherlock Holmes?!'''''
 
:''Who are you? Where did you come from?''
 
:''Who are you? Where did you come from?''
 
:'''''I'm [[the Doctor]].'''''
 
:'''''I'm [[the Doctor]].'''''
 
:''Who?''
 
:''Who?''
:'''''[[Doctor Who|The Doctor]]. Time Lord, Gallifrey, 903 years old. Never heard of him?'''''
+
:'''''[[Doctor Who|The Doctor]]. Time Lord, Gallifrey, {{#expr:{{#time:Y}}-1103}} years old. Never heard of him?'''''
 
:''Holmes, your disguises are normally better than this one.''
 
:''Holmes, your disguises are normally better than this one.''
 
:'''''Watson, I see your observation skills have improved. What gave it away? Was it the omission of the "h" sound at the beginning of some word? Was it the sheer shortness of the scarf?'''''
 
:'''''Watson, I see your observation skills have improved. What gave it away? Was it the omission of the "h" sound at the beginning of some word? Was it the sheer shortness of the scarf?'''''
 
:''No, Holmes. It is the mere fact that you chose to disguise yourself [[obvious|in a section about disguise]].''
 
:''No, Holmes. It is the mere fact that you chose to disguise yourself [[obvious|in a section about disguise]].''
 
:'''''You're right, Watson. I will have to be more careful in the future.'''''
 
:'''''You're right, Watson. I will have to be more careful in the future.'''''
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:''But Holmes, you are indeed a master of disguise. You are absolutely unrecognisable when you are in disguise.''
  +
:'''''Very true, Watson.'''''
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:''For example, you were in an opium den, disguised so convincingly as an opium addict, in both behaviour and appearance.''
  +
:'''''I remember. Was this not in the case of the man with the twisted lip?'''''
  +
:''Yes, Holmes. Just a moment.''
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  +
Holmes is a master of disguises. In the past he has fooled me with his methods, in examples such as ''A Scandal in Bohemia'' and ''The Man with the Twisted Lip''. Not only is his physical disguise convincing, but also his acting complements it perfectly. Mostly such disguises are a way of going "under cover" in order to gather evidence for his cases.
  +
  +
:''Say, has it occurred to you that such disguises may cause you to run into any trouble with the [[police]]?''
  +
:'''''What could you possibly mean, Watson?'''''
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:''Holmes, you were just impersonating Sir Doctor of TARDIS, who, I believe, is now an enemy of the crown, and is known to be able to change his face. Even if you were to reveal yourself, Holmes, you would be suspect. What in that case, Holmes?''
  +
:'''''I presume that, in that sort of case, the only option would be for you to post bail for me.'''''
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:''Holmes, Holmes, Holmes.''
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  +
[[Image:HolmesGunshot.png|thumb|right|200px|''Holmes, you are absolutely right. All we need now is an oversized explosion occurring right behind us.'' '''''All in good time, Watson.''''']]
   
 
=== Weapons and martial arts ===
 
=== Weapons and martial arts ===
   
:''So, Holmes, is it true that you are a great fist-fighter?''
+
:''Holmes, were you really once a great fist-fighter?''
 
:'''''Well, I did [[boxing|box]] for a short while at Sidney Sussex.'''''
 
:'''''Well, I did [[boxing|box]] for a short while at Sidney Sussex.'''''
 
:''You are, however, a great deal better at the [[martial arts]], I presume?''
 
:''You are, however, a great deal better at the [[martial arts]], I presume?''
 
:'''''Yes, but what use are either of those when we have both whips and [[guns|revolvers]], Watson?'''''
 
:'''''Yes, but what use are either of those when we have both whips and [[guns|revolvers]], Watson?'''''
:''Ah.''
+
:''Ah. Let me scrap the section on weapons and martial arts I was writing and replace it with a brief note.''
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  +
While Holmes has the use of martial arts and is a reasonable fist-fighter, he prefers to save effort by using his revolver instead. While he also possesses a whip—apparently in an attempt to imitate the American [[Indiana Jones|Henry Jones]] of recent adventuring fame—he has yet to master its art fully.
  +
  +
=== Prior knowledge ===
  +
  +
:''Holmes, you are a very knowledgeable man.''
  +
:'''''Of course. All knowledge comes useful to the detective.'''''
  +
:''What about, say, the belief that Earth orbits the Sun?''
  +
:'''''That would be an exception.'''''
  +
:''So would be any knowledge of classical literature, classical languages, politics—''
  +
:'''''All exceptions, Watson. Useless things clutter the mind.'''''
  +
:''Except for the fact that you have, as a matter of fact, used knowledge in those last few areas in solving certain cases.''
  +
  +
:'''''Watson, have you noticed how cluttered our flat appears to be?'''''
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:''Let us change the subject, Holmes. Let me write some more of this article first, and we shall go into other matters.''
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  +
Holmes's stance on prior knowledge appears to be highly contradictory. In one story, he claims that "useless things clutter the mind", which explains how little he knows about politics, astronomy, philosophy et cetera. However, not only does he use a great deal of those "useless things" later on, but also he notes that "all knowledge comes useful to the detective". Holmes tends to not wish to discuss this inconsistency.
   
 
== Miscellanea ==
 
== Miscellanea ==
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  +
:'''''Watson, I have to remind you once again that you must keep an encyclopæedic tone.'''''
  +
:''Ah, Holmes, I was forgetting about this.''
   
 
=== Professor Moriarty ===
 
=== Professor Moriarty ===
   
:''So, Holmes, one of your greatest nemeses was Professor Moriarty.''
+
:''Now, Holmes, we shall deal with Moriarty.''
:'''''The Napoleon of crime, Watson. He was the very archetype of the modern supervillain. Far too intelligent for the world's own good --'''''
+
  +
Holmes's greatest nemesis is Professor Moriarty, [[London]]'s very own criminal mastermind. Holmes alleges that Moriarty, formerly a mathematical prodigy, unfortunately turned to crime, and operated a massive criminal operation that Holmes was, at the time of "The Final Problem", on the verge of destroying.
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  +
:'''''The Napoleon of crime, Watson. He was the very archetype of the modern supervillain. Far too intelligent for the world's own good—'''''
 
:''Holmes, tell me. Was he really such a nemesis?''
 
:''Holmes, tell me. Was he really such a nemesis?''
 
:'''''That is quite trivial, Watson!'''''
 
:'''''That is quite trivial, Watson!'''''
:''So how come he's only appeared in two of our cases, Holmes, one of which was entirely fabricated?!''
+
:''So how come he has only appeared in two of our cases, Holmes, one of which was entirely fabricated?!''
 
:'''''What?'''''
 
:'''''What?'''''
:''Yes, Holmes. He appeared in "The Final Problem", the fictionalised account of your demise; and in ''The Valley of Fear'' where, while he did not make a direct appearance, he nevertheless played a direct role.''
+
:''Yes, Holmes. He appeared in "The Final Problem", the fictionalised account of your demise; and in ''The Valley of Fear'' where, while he did not make a direct appearance, he nevertheless played a direct role. These were, however, the only cases. Here, I shall type that up at this very moment.''
:'''''Watson, are you suggesting that --'''''
+
  +
However, with the recent revelation that "The Final Problem" was entirely fabricated, the only role Moriarty played in any of the cases was in ''The Valley of Fear'', where he failed to make an appearance in person. Some accounts suggest that Professor Moriarty was either entirely a figment of Holmes's imagination, or was an actual person to whom Holmes falsely attributed whatever cases he failed to solve.
  +
  +
:'''''Watson, are you suggesting that—'''''
 
:''Yes, Holmes, I am suggesting that you developed a split personality disorder while researching the latter case!''
 
:''Yes, Holmes, I am suggesting that you developed a split personality disorder while researching the latter case!''
 
:'''''Are you suggesting that Professor Moriarty never existed?!'''''
 
:'''''Are you suggesting that Professor Moriarty never existed?!'''''
:''You know, a composite of Ramanujan and Gauss, the mathematicians, and some master criminals --''
+
:''Holmes, the man does appear to be a composite of Ramanujan and Gauss, the mathematicians, and some master criminals that you may have—''
  +
:'''''He was the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at [[Cambridge University]], Watson! A mathematical prodigy! He was the only individual capable of defeating not only me, but [[Data (Star Trek)|data]] itself!'''''
  +
:''He was merely a simulation, Holmes, whether or not it be a hallucination—
 
:'''''Watson, my cocaine intake is not damaging in any way to my health!'''''
 
:'''''Watson, my cocaine intake is not damaging in any way to my health!'''''
:''We're going to [[Sigmund Freud]]'s office, Holmes, and that's final.''
+
[[Image:Freud.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Now, Mr Holmes. Deduce to me about your mother.]]
  +
:''We're going to [[Sigmund Freud]]'s office, Holmes, and that's final. This is for your own good. I fear this waspkeeping—''
  +
:'''''—beekeeping—'''''
  +
:''—beekeeping business may have aggravated the situation.''
   
=== One more thing ===
+
=== Legacy ===
   
:''Holmes, may I broach a rather sensitive subject to conclude this article?''
+
:''Before we leave, Holmes, I think we should talk about your legacy.''
:'''''Why not, Watson?'''''
+
:'''''Capital, Watson. If you'll hand me the keyboard.'''''
:''Now, Dr [[Gregory House]], the main character of the [[Fox TV|FOX]] TV show [[House MD]], is said to have some basis upon you --''
 
:'''''The absolute impostor! The impostor! He's a [[fraud]], Watson! Can you believe that he uses anything less than 7% [[cocaine]] solution?! He's never quite at the level of [[insanity]] --'''''
 
:''I think we'd better leave for Dr Freud before you hurt yourself, Holmes. Let's return to our stagecoach.''
 
   
==Bibliography==
+
Holmes is simply the best detective in all of history; a man of such wit and skill is likely to be celebrated through [[Star Trek|the 24th century]] and beyond. Museums and societies have already doubtless begun operations to commemorate his infinite wisdom. His great methods of Holmesian deduction®, his disguises, his skill with the revolver, his titanic extent of knowledge, and the eternal struggle with his arch-nemesis Moriarty will be an integral part of history for the next few millennia.
* A Treatise upon Different Kinds of [[Tobacco]] [[Ash]]
+
* An Analysis of the Geological Differences of London Earth
+
:'''''Such a legacy will do, Watson, would it not?'''''<ref>At this point, I paused and reflected on how utterly arrogant Holmes was in evaluating his life.</ref>
* A Practical Handbook of [[Bee]] Culture
+
* An Evaluation of Efficient and Accurate Methods of [[CSI|Crime Scene Investigation]]
+
* [[Monty Python|On the Identification of Various Species of Trees from a Considerably Great Distance]]
+
:''Holmes?''
* [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|On Returns of Definitely Deceased Ex-Parrots Who Are Members of the Choir Invisible]]
+
:'''''Yes?'''''
* [[Uncyclopedia|On Complete Irrelevance and Bingle Bongle Dingle Dangle Yickety-Doo Yickety-Dah Ping Pong Lippy Tappy Too Tah]]
+
:''You do realise your utter arrogance in saying that?''
  +
:'''''What, Watson? You believe those impostors at Scotland Yard are at all at my level?'''''
  +
:''Holmes, if they had not brought you those cases, you would have been sitting idly—''
  +
:'''''—and instead I may have discovered, isolated and determined all chemical properties of the noble gases, and would have been an honoured member of the Royal Society.'''''
  +
:''Holmes, you know what terrifies me about that?''
  +
:'''''That I am always right.'''''
  +
:''Quite.''<ref>At this point, I gave up.<br><p align=right>—John H Watson, MD</p></ref>
  +
  +
==== In popular culture ====
  +
[[Image:sherlock.jpg|thumb|left|''Since when have we been on a first-name basis, Sherlock?'' '''''Good point, John.''''']]
  +
:''Holmes, I'd be obliged if you would return my keyboard to me. I shall now write on references to you in popular culture.''
  +
  +
Dr [[Gregory House]], the main character of the [[Fox TV|FOX]] TV show [[House MD]], is said to have some basis upon Holmes's character, and similarities are often evident between the two.
  +
  +
:'''''The absolute impostor! The impostor!'''''
  +
:''What is it, Holmes?''
  +
[[Image:Vampireholmes.jpg|thumb|200px|right|''Now, Holmes, please calm down for a moment. You know how much I hate to spill blood over such trifling matters.'']]
  +
:'''''You mention House? You mention House? That man is a [[fraud]], Watson! Can you believe that he uses anything less than 7% [[cocaine]] solution?! Never quite at the level of [[insanity]]—'''''
  +
:''I think we had better leave for Dr Freud before you hurt yourself, Holmes. Let us return to our stagecoach.''
   
 
==Further reading==
 
==Further reading==
[[Image:Hercule.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Ah, Hastings, mon ami, observe that great manic-depressive detective, walking into the night with his assistant. But they are mere impostors, non?]]
+
* [[Dr. Watson]]
 
* [[Agatha Christie]]
 
* [[Agatha Christie]]
 
* [[Hercule Poirot]]
 
* [[Hercule Poirot]]
:'''''Impostors, I tell you, {{USERNAME|IP}}! Impostors!'''''
+
:'''''Impostors, I tell you, {{USERNAME}}! Impostors!'''''
 
:''Come off it, Holmes, please.''
 
:''Come off it, Holmes, please.''
 
* [[No Place Like Holmes!]]
 
* [[No Place Like Holmes!]]
  +
* [[Detectives]]
  +
* [[Katie Holmes]]
 
* [http://cutewriting.blogspot.com/2008/05/hail-these-talents-victor-hugo-and-sir.html Sherlock Holmes]
 
* [http://cutewriting.blogspot.com/2008/05/hail-these-talents-victor-hugo-and-sir.html Sherlock Holmes]
   
 
==Footnotes==
 
==Footnotes==
<references/>
+
{{wikipedia}}
+
<small><references/></small>
  +
{{FA|date=11 August 2009|revision=4041985}}
 
{{Britain}}
 
{{Britain}}
   
[[Category: Books]][[Category:Law and Order]][[Category:Detectives]]
 
   
  +
:''There — the article is finished!''
  +
:'''''I am NOT barmy!'''''
  +
:''Oh, be quiet, Holmes.''
  +
  +
[[Category:Books]]
  +
[[Category:Law and Order]]
  +
[[Category:Detectives]]
  +
  +
{{Link FA|ja}}
 
[[es:Sherlock Holmes]]
 
[[es:Sherlock Holmes]]
 
[[fi:Sherlock Holmes]]
 
[[fi:Sherlock Holmes]]
  +
[[fr:Sherlock Holmes]]
  +
[[he:שרלוק הולמס]]
 
[[it:Sherlock Holmes]]
 
[[it:Sherlock Holmes]]
 
[[ja:シャーロック・ホームズ]]
 
[[ja:シャーロック・ホームズ]]
  +
[[nl:Sherlock Holmes]]
 
[[pt:Sherlock Holmes]]
 
[[pt:Sherlock Holmes]]
  +
[[sk:Sherlock Holmes]]<noinclude>[[Category:Pages with deprecated tags]]</noinclude>

Latest revision as of 13:02, September 7, 2011

      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for a different Holmes?
Holmes, take a look at this.
What is it?
This is some sort of encyclopædia!
No, Watson, this is an Uncyclopædia.
But how would you know this, Holmes?
Note, first, the logo on the top-left. This is not a sphere; it is a potato. This, as I know from my experience, is the logo of the Uncyclopædia. Also examine the serif-less typeface, and we all know any respectable encyclopædias are always set in a serif font.
Remarkable, Holmes!
Elementary, Watson. Now let us take a look at this article.
Holmes, you are the subject of this entry!
Well-deduced. Oh my ... what a wretched hive of unbound nonsense.
Look at the picture on the right. What is that?
Sherlockh

The Great Detective, after being frozen in carbonite.

It appears to have dubbed a statue of me as "frozen in carbonite."
Holmes, we need to rewrite this article.
And what would you mean by "we", Watson?
What?
You are the better writer, after all, Watson. And I have to go solve the case of the missing memes, for which I have been called to this website.
All right.
Oh, and Watson, do try to keep an encyclopædic tone.
Do try to stop playing your violin at three in the morning!

Sherlock Holmes was a world-renowned private detective of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. His amazing skills for deductive reasoning and observation made him one of the foremost consulting investigators of all time. His companion, Dr John H Watson, with whom he shared a flat at 221b Baker Street, chronicled many of his cases under the identity of Sir Arthur "Detective Conan" Doyle.

At present, he is retired with no plans of returning to full-time crime investigation.

edit Biography

Holmesviolin

In fact, I am inclined to believe that Holmes was singularly responsible for the sharp decline in popularity of classical music.

Mr Holmes was born in 1854, to a family whose ancestors were all country squires. Holmes, however, would have a different future ahead of him than cleaning up the mess made by allegedly gallant knights.[1] At the age of 8, he was a child prodigy, showing great talent at the violin. This talent would, unfortunately, decline over time such that by the time I started to cohabit with him, his rendition of Paganini's Caprice No. 24 became unbearable. His second elder brother, Mycroft, became jealous and lost all motivation to do anything useful. Because of this, he would later join the British civil service[2].

Holmes went to Sidney Sussex College, where he developed an interest in chemistry. Subsequently, he would blow up the entire school before deducing that the person who had done it was himself. It was here that, according to Holmes, the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Professor James Moriarty, became his sworn nemesis after being beaten in a game of chess in only three turns.

After graduating, he wished to put his knowledge of chemistry to good use, and attempted to join Scotland Yard, only to be rejected after making some embarrassing deductions about the supervising officer[3]. Vengeful and wishing to exert more power over Scotland Yard than could possibly be imagined, Holmes decided to set up a private consulting detective firm, one of the first of its kind.

It was at this point that I met Holmes, and together we tackled the case that Holmes wanted to call A Study in Scarlet. After this, we tackled other cases, such as the one called The Sign of Four. After this case followed a myriad of cases between 1888 and 1904, at which point Holmes retired to the Sussex Downs. From my examination of the books he had borrowed, which dealt with subjects such as insect hives and stings, I had deduced that Holmes was planning to pursue waspkeeping as a hobby; however, I was thankfully quite in the wrong there.

DrWatson, vanity articles are not allowed.—SysAdmin 20:09 9 Feb 2009

SysAdmin, what is your problem? Article restored.—Admin42 20:12 9 Feb 2009

edit The Great Hiatus

Holmes disappeared from the world, presumed dead by everyone in a struggle between him and Professor Moriarty, his sworn nemesis. Fans have dubbed this period between 1891 and 1894 the "Great Hiatus". However, as it turns out, my account of the story was entirely fabricated.

Ah, Holmes, you're back. Have you solved the case?
It would appear so, Watson. A group of administrators and other advanced users have been carrying out a systematic genocide of Internet-specific memes, in the name of satire.
How brutal! How did you figure this out, Holmes?
Alas, this is where I feel I become less and less necessary, for all of this I found in the records of communications between users of this Uncyclopedia.
We shall always have London, Holmes.
I see you have rewritten this article a good deal, Watson.
Which reminds me of something, Holmes. Oh, yes, do tell us about the time that you had disappeared.
Ah, the "Great Hiatus", as my followers have dubbed it.
Precisely.
Well, Watson, I must say that your false account of this hiatus was spectacular.
Thank you.
Possibly a bit over-dramatic, although I do wish I were able to look into coal-tar derivatives. No, I never went to such a place as Reichenbach Falls, as was outlined in "The Final Problem", wherein I wrestled with Moriarty and fell off a rather inconveniently high precipice. None of this ever happened on this Earth. In fact, I was nowhere on Earth.
You had fallen down a rabbit hole, you say.
Hatterjoker1

I also deduced, Watson, that this poor man was suffering from both mercury poisoning and lead poisoning. It was no wonder, then, that the man was mad as a hatter.

I assure you, Watson, that this was in no way due to my cocaine addiction, and that the fall was entirely intentional. I did solve the case of the stolen tarts, which I see, Watson, you still have not recorded.[4]
Just a minute, Holmes. I wish to expound upon my text on the Great Hiatus in this article.

Holmes himself has repeatedly claimed that he was trapped in Wonderland, of Alice in Wonderland fame. However, I can affirm the truth that Holmes's cocaine habit—which I have repeatedly discouraged—led to the Great Hiatus.

It all began when Holmes and I were sitting in our offices in Baker Street. Holmes was thinking very hard that day on a certain case involving a golden phonograph—a case that I shall one day outline—when he reached for his pipe. Unfortunately, that day his absent-mindedness led to his reaching for his cocaine bottle instead. Evidently he took too much of the vice, for soon enough, Holmes collapsed on the floor.

For an instant, I thought the great man was dead. I rushed to his side, attempting some sort of diagnosis of his condition. I feared for the worst when I rushed him to St Mary's Hospital, and the doctors there affirmed my fears: Holmes's cocaine overdose had resulted in a coma that could last anywhere between two and twenty years. This was the "Great Hiatus"—a three-year coma resulting from a cocaine overdose.

What do you mean to say, Watson? That this experience was all a hallucination in a three-year coma whose cause was a cocaine overdose?![5]
I never said any such thing, Holmes.
Are you sure, Watson?
Quite.
Very well, then. I shall now return briefly to the cocaine bottle, for this was more or less acceptable during the late Victorian period.
Be careful to only briefly return to it, Holmes.

edit Methods

Now, Holmes, let us talk about your methods.
Capital, Watson.

edit Deductive reasoning

Holmes, your trademark skill is that of astute observation coupled with deductive reasoning.
Elementary.
In fact, as I recall, I had recently applied to the Intellectual Property Office for a trademark for you on Holmesian deduction®. If it worked, there should be little ® marks after the word Holmesian deduction®.
Watson, what have I told you about commercialising our work?
Anyway, tell us about Holmesian deduction®.
Yes, it was during the 19th century, despite the looming threats of the Crimean War, the Industrial Revolution and explosive dysentery, that I perfected the analytic technique of assessing available evidence, evaluating likelihoods and the construction of a framework within which the most probable outcome emerges.
But of course.
Holmes

With Holmesian deduction®, I am able to deduce from Holmes's downward gaze and shape of his left hand that he is text-messaging on an imaginary BlackBerry. Wrong, Watson.

For example, Watson, I can deduce that you have been in Afghanistan merely by the air of your appearance, with your medical background, military mood, tint of your skin, and the injury of your left arm. I require no unjustified hypothesis to deduce this.
Remarkable!
Elementary. Now, Watson, let us see if you cannot use Holmesian deduction® to infer details about the reader?
Err... Oh, yes. The reader is <insert name here>.
Watson, you fail to reason from what you see! Think about the potential of this single piece of information!
Ah, yes, but of course. I can then deduce that the user page of this user is located at User:<insert name here>, and the user talk page is located at User talk:<insert name here>.
Watson, Watson, Watson.
But Holmes, could it not be that perhaps you are overusing Holmesian deduction®?
Ah, Watson, surely you know that the reason I deduce personal details about everyone I meet is that I suffer from obsessive-compulsive deduction syndromea gift, and a curse.
But what, Holmes, if modern criminals study your cases and determine exactly how they are likely to be caught, thus using Holmesian deduction® to ironically form the basis of their plans?
Watson, there will always be ... other ... methods available.

Holmesian deduction® is one of Holmes's trademark skills, and a method that has endured the past century and utilised in real-life police. Assessing available evidence within a carefully designed framework, Holmes is able to deduce the most probable outcome without making unjustified assumptions. One such example is Holmes deducing the fact that I had been in Afghanistan, near the beginning of A Study in Scarlet, purely from concrete evidence and deductions from that evidence. Should Holmesian deduction® fail, however, Holmes appears to have enhanced interrogation techniques in store.

There, that should be enough on your deductive reasoning techniques.

edit Disguise

Now, Holmes—What? Holmes, where are you?
Sherlock Holmes?! You know about Sherlock Holmes?!
Who are you? Where did you come from?
I'm the Doctor.
Who?
The Doctor. Time Lord, Gallifrey, 911 years old. Never heard of him?
Holmes, your disguises are normally better than this one.
Watson, I see your observation skills have improved. What gave it away? Was it the omission of the "h" sound at the beginning of some word? Was it the sheer shortness of the scarf?
No, Holmes. It is the mere fact that you chose to disguise yourself in a section about disguise.
You're right, Watson. I will have to be more careful in the future.
But Holmes, you are indeed a master of disguise. You are absolutely unrecognisable when you are in disguise.
Very true, Watson.
For example, you were in an opium den, disguised so convincingly as an opium addict, in both behaviour and appearance.
I remember. Was this not in the case of the man with the twisted lip?
Yes, Holmes. Just a moment.

Holmes is a master of disguises. In the past he has fooled me with his methods, in examples such as A Scandal in Bohemia and The Man with the Twisted Lip. Not only is his physical disguise convincing, but also his acting complements it perfectly. Mostly such disguises are a way of going "under cover" in order to gather evidence for his cases.

Say, has it occurred to you that such disguises may cause you to run into any trouble with the police?
What could you possibly mean, Watson?
Holmes, you were just impersonating Sir Doctor of TARDIS, who, I believe, is now an enemy of the crown, and is known to be able to change his face. Even if you were to reveal yourself, Holmes, you would be suspect. What in that case, Holmes?
I presume that, in that sort of case, the only option would be for you to post bail for me.
Holmes, Holmes, Holmes.
HolmesGunshot

Holmes, you are absolutely right. All we need now is an oversized explosion occurring right behind us. All in good time, Watson.

edit Weapons and martial arts

Holmes, were you really once a great fist-fighter?
Well, I did box for a short while at Sidney Sussex.
You are, however, a great deal better at the martial arts, I presume?
Yes, but what use are either of those when we have both whips and revolvers, Watson?
Ah. Let me scrap the section on weapons and martial arts I was writing and replace it with a brief note.

While Holmes has the use of martial arts and is a reasonable fist-fighter, he prefers to save effort by using his revolver instead. While he also possesses a whip—apparently in an attempt to imitate the American Henry Jones of recent adventuring fame—he has yet to master its art fully.

edit Prior knowledge

Holmes, you are a very knowledgeable man.
Of course. All knowledge comes useful to the detective.
What about, say, the belief that Earth orbits the Sun?
That would be an exception.
So would be any knowledge of classical literature, classical languages, politics—
All exceptions, Watson. Useless things clutter the mind.
Except for the fact that you have, as a matter of fact, used knowledge in those last few areas in solving certain cases.
Watson, have you noticed how cluttered our flat appears to be?
Let us change the subject, Holmes. Let me write some more of this article first, and we shall go into other matters.

Holmes's stance on prior knowledge appears to be highly contradictory. In one story, he claims that "useless things clutter the mind", which explains how little he knows about politics, astronomy, philosophy et cetera. However, not only does he use a great deal of those "useless things" later on, but also he notes that "all knowledge comes useful to the detective". Holmes tends to not wish to discuss this inconsistency.

edit Miscellanea

Watson, I have to remind you once again that you must keep an encyclopæedic tone.
Ah, Holmes, I was forgetting about this.

edit Professor Moriarty

Now, Holmes, we shall deal with Moriarty.

Holmes's greatest nemesis is Professor Moriarty, London's very own criminal mastermind. Holmes alleges that Moriarty, formerly a mathematical prodigy, unfortunately turned to crime, and operated a massive criminal operation that Holmes was, at the time of "The Final Problem", on the verge of destroying.

The Napoleon of crime, Watson. He was the very archetype of the modern supervillain. Far too intelligent for the world's own good—
Holmes, tell me. Was he really such a nemesis?
That is quite trivial, Watson!
So how come he has only appeared in two of our cases, Holmes, one of which was entirely fabricated?!
What?
Yes, Holmes. He appeared in "The Final Problem", the fictionalised account of your demise; and in The Valley of Fear where, while he did not make a direct appearance, he nevertheless played a direct role. These were, however, the only cases. Here, I shall type that up at this very moment.

However, with the recent revelation that "The Final Problem" was entirely fabricated, the only role Moriarty played in any of the cases was in The Valley of Fear, where he failed to make an appearance in person. Some accounts suggest that Professor Moriarty was either entirely a figment of Holmes's imagination, or was an actual person to whom Holmes falsely attributed whatever cases he failed to solve.

Watson, are you suggesting that—
Yes, Holmes, I am suggesting that you developed a split personality disorder while researching the latter case!
Are you suggesting that Professor Moriarty never existed?!
Holmes, the man does appear to be a composite of Ramanujan and Gauss, the mathematicians, and some master criminals that you may have—
He was the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, Watson! A mathematical prodigy! He was the only individual capable of defeating not only me, but data itself!
He was merely a simulation, Holmes, whether or not it be a hallucination—
Watson, my cocaine intake is not damaging in any way to my health!
Freud

Now, Mr Holmes. Deduce to me about your mother.

We're going to Sigmund Freud's office, Holmes, and that's final. This is for your own good. I fear this waspkeeping—
—beekeeping—
—beekeeping business may have aggravated the situation.

edit Legacy

Before we leave, Holmes, I think we should talk about your legacy.
Capital, Watson. If you'll hand me the keyboard.

Holmes is simply the best detective in all of history; a man of such wit and skill is likely to be celebrated through the 24th century and beyond. Museums and societies have already doubtless begun operations to commemorate his infinite wisdom. His great methods of Holmesian deduction®, his disguises, his skill with the revolver, his titanic extent of knowledge, and the eternal struggle with his arch-nemesis Moriarty will be an integral part of history for the next few millennia.

Such a legacy will do, Watson, would it not?[6]


Holmes?
Yes?
You do realise your utter arrogance in saying that?
What, Watson? You believe those impostors at Scotland Yard are at all at my level?
Holmes, if they had not brought you those cases, you would have been sitting idly—
—and instead I may have discovered, isolated and determined all chemical properties of the noble gases, and would have been an honoured member of the Royal Society.
Holmes, you know what terrifies me about that?
That I am always right.
Quite.[7]

edit In popular culture

Sherlock

Since when have we been on a first-name basis, Sherlock? Good point, John.

Holmes, I'd be obliged if you would return my keyboard to me. I shall now write on references to you in popular culture.

Dr Gregory House, the main character of the FOX TV show House MD, is said to have some basis upon Holmes's character, and similarities are often evident between the two.

The absolute impostor! The impostor!
What is it, Holmes?
Vampireholmes

Now, Holmes, please calm down for a moment. You know how much I hate to spill blood over such trifling matters.

You mention House? You mention House? That man is a fraud, Watson! Can you believe that he uses anything less than 7% cocaine solution?! Never quite at the level of insanity
I think we had better leave for Dr Freud before you hurt yourself, Holmes. Let us return to our stagecoach.

edit Further reading

Impostors, I tell you, <insert name here>! Impostors!
Come off it, Holmes, please.

edit Footnotes

Bouncywikilogo8
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sherlock Holmes.
  1. This future was left to the eldest brother Sherrinford, who would come to strongly resent his younger brothers.
  2. According to some speculators, he is the British civil service. This would explain the extent of efficiency of the British civil service.
  3. All of these deductions are left as an exercise for the reader's imagination.
  4. Believe it or not, apparently this is an actual theory put forward by a man named Mark Bourne, who wrote "The Case of the Detective's Smile". We salute you, Mr Bourne. We salute you indeed.
  5. After this point, I resolved to omit any mention of Holmes's cocaine addiction from my interview, for he would compulsively reach for that very drug when I mentioned it. As a famous songstress once noted, "isn't it ironic?"
  6. At this point, I paused and reflected on how utterly arrogant Holmes was in evaluating his life.
  7. At this point, I gave up.

    —John H Watson, MD

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There — the article is finished!
I am NOT barmy!
Oh, be quiet, Holmes.

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