Sheriff of Nottingham
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“Zip Zong Diddly Bo Diddly Dum”
“Like sucking a goat”
The Sheriff Of Nottingham also known as The Warden or The Pride is a sour, over-keen law enforcement officer who governates the Wollaton area of Shottingham. Despite being a Midlander, his harsh methods of enforcing the law are considered equal in stature to Keith Chegwin's face. It must be noted that he is a keen fan of world music and Marmite, particularly when mixed together.
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[edit] History
The Sheriff was created during a 4-year long drought in the Beeston area of Nottingham in the latter stages of the century. Originally devised as a method of harvesting corn, he got his big break in the first month, when times were rough and flavoured. In early days he had aspirations of being a steward for his beloved Nottingham Forest, although the closest he ever managed was being a programme-seller. The Sheriff is renowned throughout The People's Republic of the East Midlands for driving out the plague of locusts that damaged Nottingham's newly planted crop of illegal firearms, beans, and hydroponically-cultivated cannabis. The locusts were later found gnawing away at some passing sunlight.
In the second series, The Sheriff was sent to higher plains at LnacSatRe uiNVErisTy. Although crime statistics in his new jurisdiction were slashed, tortured if you will, his native Nottingham fared much worse. Muggings went up by 590%, while laundry theft went up by an astonishing 52345%. This has resulted in periodic visitations from The Sheriff himself. Although it must be said that his returns usually result in high percentages of obedient citizens and strangulations from officers of the law.
The Sheriff himself was said to have been 'hugely pleased' when the apparently insufficiently-named 'East Midlands Airport' was bestowed with a brand new and infinitely more pleasing moniker: 'Nottingham East Midlands Airport'. He was slightly less amused, apparently, when only weeks later the airport was again re-named, this time the title being the succinct and snappy 'East Midlands Airport - Nottingham, Leicester, Derby'. His disappointment and disapproval were duly noted when the name was again changed shortly after that, this time to 'The 96 Trent FM East Midlands Airport - Nottingham, Leicester, Derby, brought to you in conjunction with the Nottingham Tram, Trent-Barton Buses and the Leicester Mercury'. By the time the Sheriff discovered that the runway had been dug up and relocated in Finland, his mood was described by onlookers to have been '...as flat as piss on a plate'.
[edit] Most Wanted
[edit] Places Where The Sheriff Is Feared
Despite only holding law-enforcing duties in Nottingham and Lancaster University, The Sheriff's reputation precedes him almost wherever he goes. The list of places below are exceptionally high on The Sheriff's hitlist.
- Westfield's Midland Corporation City
- The Giant Walker's Crisp Factory
- REAL Rehabilitation Centre
- The Anti-Rehabilitation Centre
[edit] Criticisms
The Sheriff is widely known for his Kill First, Talk Later policy. This has drawn bad press from as far away as Yorkshire, where some believe he should simply maim and torture, rather than actually kill.
Several protests have been held in Nottingham's city centre regarding The Sheriff's stance. One such protest led to the death of 15,000 people, leading to the inaugration of Nottingham Supertram. The Sheriff himself did not comment on the issue, as he was too busy watching his latest Scrubs episode, and had been awake since 4am.
