Sheffield

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Sheffield
SheffieldFamily

A typical family from Sheffield all coming together to help with the harvest.

County Sheffieldshire
Population 200,000 cows, 550,000 plebs and 20 lords of the manor
Motto "Deo Adjuvante Labor Proficit" (Translation: With God's help the Labour Party may one day be successful.)
Political Views 100% Labour
“"I am a loyal Sheffield MP and I always have been.”
~ Nick Clegg on Sheffield, prior to the 2008 election
“"I've never heard of this 'Sheffield' place.”
~ Nick Clegg on Sheffield, after the 2008 election

Sheffield is a city in the North of England that hosts the two worst football teams in the entire world.

The inevitable depression that comes as a result of living in Sheffield is made slightly more bearable for its 550,000 residents by the fact that every few years, one of them (whether it be Jarvis Cocker, Arctic Monkeys or Jessica Ennis) seems to become the short-lived feature of pop culture hysteria.

When British people think of Sheffield they think that it is most likely up north and in the county of Sheffieldshire.

Early History

The city of Cheffield was founded in 1200 by the male chef Michelle Roux and his group of rouge culinary chefs called Robbing Roux and his Band of Merry Soux Chefs. They needed a place a to rest up but since Liverpool and Manchester were taken up by the evil Sheriff of PorkAndHam and his sidekick Guy of Gisbourne Cheeses.

Then sometime between the 1600's and 1610's Michel Roux ran away to marry his Foxy girlfriend in the grand castle of Spamalot ruled by the legendary Monty Python. After this the new up and coming chef Sir Lloyd of Liverpool decided to move the gang of chefs to Liverpool and some parts of Madchester. This caused the remaing residents of Cheffield to change their name to Sheffield, thinking that it would teach the people of the UK a lesson but to be truthful everyone thought Sheffield was being silly so every resident was given a slap on the wrist and were sent to their rooms.

Instances of Plagiarism

Sheffield is known throughout the world for its plagiarism (aka Copying) of its two neighbouring cities, Liverpool and Manchester. Liverpool and Manchester both have two football teams which is an idea Sheffield stole. Much like the two teams of Liverpool and Manchester both of Sheffield’s teams are awful. One of these Sheffield clubs even decided to go as far as you go and have its own disaster much like Liverpool and Manchester before them.

Liverpool and Manchester are also famous for having the living shit bombed out of them in the not so great war, Sheffield being in the middle of a war and true to form also wanted the shit bombed out of them so instead of compling to put commando camoflage on they went around in bright neon clothing.

In less recent history the city of Sheffield decided to copy Liverpool and Manchester by pretending to be involved in the industrial revolution. In a quote from the leader of the RSPB (Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds) he stated that: 'the city of Sheffield had bugger all to do with the Industrial Revolution therefore they deserve no credit what so ever'. This quote sums up the opinion of many angry Mancunians and Liverpudlians who most commonly express this opinion after they've consumed 2 pints of Bitter and packet of Cheese and Onion Crisps.

Notable Residents

The most notable resident/political prisoner of Sheffield is the much disliked Nick Clegg. Nick Clegg was the MP for Sheffield until he became Deputy Prime Minister when he decided to neglect his constituants and they decided to opt for Nigel Farage instead.

Another notiable resident was the famous Unflash Gordon. The cousin (and complete opposite) of Flash Gordon.

Inbreeding

In modern times it is a common mistake to say that residents of Sheffield are inbred. This is not true, the possibility of being inbred was proved to be a myth ever since members of the Westboro Baptist Church were proven to be not all related, therefore showing that they generally believed what they say and don't possess mental disabilities.

The Great Chef War

The Great Chef war was a battle which lasted around five minutes. This battle changed culinary history forever because during the heat of the battle the leaders of the chefs decided to pick up their laddles and ride their pans like horses away from the then city of Cheffield.

The opponents of the battle were the burger van vendeurs who served the mindless drones of the football watchers on their way to get as far away from the football match as humanely possible.

Interests

The city of Sheffield likes to think it has a wide variety of interests; this is an interest in itself because the people of Sheffield find themselves so interesting that having an interest in them is an interest to everyone else. This type of interest is known globally as a Mind fuck

Another factor of interest is one of watching mindless drones who can’t string a sentence together kick a football around some grass. Even though this is a keen interest of Sheffield it is shared by every single male in the United Kingdom and perhaps the world.


Geography

As a result of some historical planning cock-up, Sheffield is built on seven hills, making transport, construction and cycling about as awkward as explaining Jimmy Savile's sex crimes to an oblivious old person. Another geographical phenomenon in the city is the annual flood, which lasts the entirety of the summer, and gives the council an excuse to not clean the streets in the autumn and winter months.

Horticulture

Horticulture

This is an example of a Horticulture Hall in Sheffield, Oh the embarassment

It is common knowledge that Sheffield has a thriving Horticultural community. This is one reason why Sheffield is disguised as a complete and utter sh*t hole because the 6 residents and thousands of prisoners would be too embarrassed to reveal to the world that they like Horticulture. To be honest this is probably the best thing to do because the people of Sheffield would be unmercifully ripped by everyone if people find out they like Horticulture.

The people of Sheffield won the Entente Florale Award due to their Horticulture skills which made it a literally green city, like the fact they are in to Horticulture the people of Sheffield were again too embarrassed to share with the world they had won this award.

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