Sheffield

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“"Sheffield is a town with great potential...i think?"”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sheffield
“"I am a loyal Sheffield MP and i always have been”
~ Nick Clegg on Sheffield, prior to the 2008 erection
“"I've never heard of this 'Sheffield'”
~ Nick Clegg on Sheffield, after the 2008 erection

Sheffield is a place in the North of England which hosts the two worst football teams in the entire world. It is also the place where Nigel Farage first came to power and started on his road to becoming Lord and Master of the United Kingdom.

Early History

The city of Cheffield was founded in 1200 by the male chef Michelle Roux and his group of rouge culinary chefs called Robbing Roux and his Band of Merry Soux Chefs. They needed a place a to rest up but since Liverpool and Manchester were taken up by the evil Sheriff of PorkAndHam and his sidekick Guy of Gisbourne Cheeses.

Then sometime between the 1600's and 1610's Michel Roux ran away to marry his Foxy girlfriend in the grand castle of Spamalot ruled by the legendary Monty Python. After this the new up and coming chef Sir Lloyd of Liverpool decided to move the gang of chefs to Liverpool and some parts of Madchester. This caused the remaing residents of Cheffield to change their name to Sheffield, thinking that it would teach the people of the UK a lesson but to be truthful everyone thought Sheffield was being silly so every resident was given a slap on the wrist and were sent to their rooms.

Instances of Plagiarism

Sheffield is known throughout the world for its plagiarism (aka Copying) of its two neighbouring cities, Liverpool and Manchester. Liverpool and Manchester both have two football teams which is an idea Sheffield stole. Much like the two teams of Liverpool and Manchester both of Sheffield’s teams are awful. One of these Sheffield clubs even decided to go as far as you go and have its own disaster much like Liverpool and Manchester before them.

Liverpool and Manchester are also famous for having the living shit bombed out of them in the not so great war, Sheffield being in the middle of a war and true to form also wanted the shit bombed out of them so instead of compling to put commando camoflage on they went around in bright neon clothing.

In less recent history the city of Sheffield decided to copy Liverpool and Manchester by pretending to be involved in the industrial revolution. In a quote from the leader of the RSPB (Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds) he stated that: 'the city of Sheffield had bugger all to do with the Industrial Revolution therefore they deserve no credit what so ever'. This quote sums up the opinion of many angry Mancunians and Liverpudlians who most commonly express this opinion after they've consumed 2 pints of Bitter and packet of Cheese and Onion Crisps.

Notable Residents

The most notiable resident/political prisoner of Sheffield is the much disliked Nick Clegg. Nick Clegg was the MP for Sheffield until he became Deputy Prime Minister when he decided to neglect his constituants and they decided to opt for Nigel Farage instead.

Another notiable resident was the famous Unflash Gordon. The cousin (and complete opposite) of Flash Gordon.

Inbreeding

In modern times it is a common mistake to say that residents of Sheffield are inbred. This is not true, the posiibility of being inbred was proved to be a myth ever since members of the Westboro Baptist Church were proven to be not all related therefore showing that they generally believed what they say and don't possess mental disabilities.

The Great Chef War

The Great Chef war, was a battle which lasted around five minutes. This battle changed culinary history forever because during the heat of the battle the leaders of the chefs decided to pick up their laddles and ride their pans like horses away from the then city of Cheffield.

The opponents of the battle were the burger van vendeurs who served the mindless drones of the football watchers on their way to get as far away from the football match as humanely possible.

Interests

The city of Sheffield likes to think it has a wide variety of interests; this is an interest in itself because the people of Sheffield find themselves so interesting that having an interest in them is an interest to everyone else. This type of interest is known globally as a Mind fuck

Another factor of interest is one of watching mindless drones who can’t string a sentence together kick a football around some grass. Even though this is a keen interest of Sheffield it is shared by every single male in the United Kingdom and perhaps the world.

Horticulture

Horticulture

This is an example of a Horticulture Hall in Sheffield, Oh the embarassment

It is common knowledge that Sheffield has a thriving Horticultural community. This is one reason why Sheffield is disguised as a complete and utter sh*t hole because the 6 residents and thousands of prisoners would be too embarrassed to reveal to the world that they like Horticulture. To be honest this is probably the best thing to do because the people of Sheffield would be unmercifully ripped by everyone if people find out they like Horticulture.

The people of Sheffield won the Entente Florale Award due to their Horticulture skills which made it a literally green city, like the fact they are in to Horticulture the people of Sheffield were again too embarrassed to share with the world they had won this award.

Life under Nigel Farage

Nigel Farage has been in charge of Sheffield ever since his political party UKIP (United Kingdom Indian Pariahs) gained 0.01% of the vote in 1965 leading to an overall majority which has never been seen before. Only 1000 of the then 2000 residents turned out to vote. The others were sat at home watching Emmerdale.

Nigel Farage turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to Sheffield because he increased the surface population (Much too former resident Ebenezer Scrooge's dislike) from 2000 to over 3000.

In 1999 Farage decided to introduce a new law to ban the two Sheffield teams from playing football ever again, 2994 residents rejected this causing Farage to enslave them and make them work in the Diamond mines in the Hillsborough area. So far the search for diamonds has come up with Bugger all.

In 2009 Farage gained an appearance on the unpopular TV show Have I Got No News for You in which he announced how he would take more steps to become Lord and Master of the UK. This caused the residents of Sheffield to have a full scale riot, known as the 'Full Scale Riots in Sheffield'

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