Sheffield
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 | |
| Motto: "Deo Adjuvante Labor Proficit" "With God's help, Labour profit" | |
| State | England |
| Official languages | Sheffield, Chav |
| Mayor | Sean Bean |
| Established | 1760 |
| Currency | Chips |
| Opening hours | Half day on Thursdays |
| Civic anthem | Sorted for E's and Whizz |
“Ummnnnn....Isn't it that place with billions of steel factories and dead people...In the North?. ”
~ Someone who has only briefly visited Sheffield (A typical Southener) on Sheffield
Sheffield, also known as: low standards, shitsville, steel city and that big puddle, was invented in 1760 by a Hobbit called Bilbo Baggins who was fed up of living in his hometown, The Shire. His friends and family turned on him, often calling him "queer", meaning to be strange, not to be confused with the modern term to be gay.
Sheffield went to war with The Shire after just one year of establishment. Bilbo had built an army so big that they consumed the population of The Shire and gained victory.
2 years after the victory at The Shire, some exiled Sheffieldans created a new city. They called it Leeds because they had no imagination and they never made it look clean. To this day it stinks of piss and the Sheffieldans blame Leeds for the low tourist count in the Yorkshire area of England.
The current president of Sheffield, Samwise Gamgee, along with his associates Merry and Pippin plan to wage war on Leeds in 2013, once a formidable army has been built. This will be called the The Great War of Yorkshire. Bilbo Baggins is tipped at 10/1 to make a amazing comeback and defeat all the scum of Leeds, once formerly The Shire. Samwise was the first person supposily suspected of seeing the big Bing which is now discovered to be created in the exact spot sheffield now restes in/
Frodo Baggins comes in at 15/3 to be the first to be slain on the battlefield.
LET THE WAR BEGIN!!
Contents |
[edit] Sean Bean
[edit] Famous Quotes
- "One does not simply walk into the Manor..."
- "Neil Warnock (Warnocks a wanker) you fucking useless prick! Fuck off the Crystal Palace and be really successful with them, we're getting a worse manager in to replace you!"
- "Sheffield United? Disappointingly they are so much better than Wednesday will hope to be errr."
- "My accent will be the death of these Hobbits."
- "I've heard tha's got beef wi me."
- "if you get a tomato and a potato together they become pomato!!!"
- "02 see what thaa can do"
- "Sheffield F.C don't play in Sheffield! They play in f**king Derbyshire ! !"*
- "Are you wednesday in disguise" sang to anyone playing football and losing!! Fact.
- "So your saying Henderson's Relish tastes the same as Worcestershire Sauce? Bet you can't say that to my face, you southern fairy"
[edit] Facts
[edit] Name (short form)
- The City of dreams
- EX-Dave Allen City
- Wonderful home of football
- Blackwell shity
- Better-and-Cleaner-Than-Leeds
- Deedar Land
- God's own country
[edit] Name (long form)
- Republic of Southern Sheffield
- Sheffield - Now home to 3456728666 NME interviewers!!!!
[edit] Population
- 18,000,028.5
[edit] Population Breakdown
- 12000 Scene Kids
- 7036 Chavs
- 8,999,996 Moshers
- 8,999,995 Emos
- 5 Goths
- 698 Smellies
- 27 Furries
- 3 Normal people
- 3 Crazy French people
- 100,000 Poles
- 1 Cooper (Lurking in the Woods)
- 100 Yorkshiremen
- 60,000 wild Terriers
- Craig, Dave and a fella called Nick
(16 million students not included in Census)
[edit] Area
- Total: 77 sq metres(m)
- Land: 30.5 sq m
- Water: 46.5 sq m
- Note water area is currently approximately 76.8 sq m (27/06/07)
[edit] Climate
- Well, when it rains the barbie comes out.
- Rain, snow, floods,
- Arguably worse weather than Manchester
[edit] National Drinks
- Glue Solvents, Connection Fluid, Klingon Tea, Molten Steel, Jeyes Fluid, Ward's, Henderson's Relish, Pepsi, Tetley's, Carling, Stones and "...that French muck t'coffee."
[edit] Main Exports
Stolen Car Parts, Passports, Niche, Relish, Hair Sandwiches and Sean Bean, white people, AIDS
[edit] History
Sheffield has existed in some form or another since the last ice age, when defrosting glaciers revealed seven dingy hills, a tram system, two football grounds, a pair of concrete cooling towers (RIP), Henderson's relish and two stone of monkey nuts. The city remained uninhabited for six millenia whilst local tribes rehearsed their roles in the upcoming film "The Full Monty", a tale of nudity in a sea of concrete.
Whilst waiting for this moment to arrive, Abbot Dave de Manor established a monastery at Beauchief in 1286 and commanded everyone to pronounce it as "Beechiff" since the French way sounded "much too poncey". Disappointed by a lack of implements with which to cut their food, the monks invented cutlery by attaching a sharp bit of metal to a handle and naming it as a "knyfe". Soon a thriving cutlery industry sprang up in the moist valleys of Sheffield, where the local abundance of tough, stupid people provided the ideal workforce for the brutal factory conditions necessary for keeping tough, stupid people occupied.
Eventually, too much cutlery had been made so the surplus was shipped overseas and thus "Sheffield, England" became famous as the thing that is written on the back of some teaspoons. This humiliation became too much for many Sheffielders, who decided to emigrate to the New World, which they called Rotherham. One such migrant was Joe Cocker, a man famous for his rough singing voice and large collection of Spaniels. His sons James and Jeremy turned out to be idle, talentless sons-of-bitches but Jarvis had inherited the singing talent and the girlish mannerisms so he was elected Mayor of Sheffield.
A century later in 1562, whilst Jarvis was still alive, David de Blunkett seized control of Sheffield in a violent coup, armed with eleven Golden Retrievers. Thus was established the legendary Socialist Republic of Sheffield, where all citizens were employed as worker bees in the infamous Labour Exchange at the bottom of the Moor, a sloping pedestrian street paved with heather and drunks. As local enthusiasm for socialism waned, a new hero was born in the form of Michael Palin who raised a famous hobbit army and Python Circus.
In 1984 Sheffield was obliterated by several megatonnes of nuclear explosive. The current city is limited to the 1/362th of the city not destroyed in this nuclear holocaust, which produced thousands of radioactive students that litter the city.
Sheffield is currently inhabited by the Hobbit legion who overran and took the city during the 3rd War of the Ring. The Hobbits ruled with an iron fist, then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. For years following the Chavs' great defeat, they were heard desperately muttering 'Innit' and 'Bling' to try to overcome their loss, yet without the numbers of Chav drones previously seen, they soon became extinct in the wild, with only the odd one or two remaining in zoos/prisons nationwide.
[edit] THE GREAT SPLIT
On 29th November 2007, Frodo baggins was murdered. This brought great confusion which led to civil war. The war ended after 1 hour 'cause no soldiers could be arsed to fight no more.They agreed on the great split, which divided North and South Sheffield.(YAY!)
[edit] Crime
Crime in the New Shire was at an all-time low, with muggings, carjackings and felchings finally ending when the last truly free Chav, Bill Bryson, died in captivity.
Unfortunately, Royal mail is now to blame for the explosion in crime rates throughout the city. New gangs separated by postcode such as 'the S13 possy' all vie for dominance - staking out local spar shops with their BMX's.
[edit] Transportation
“Catch a train to Sheffield? I would rather go to Dignitas. At least then I would not have to go via Doncaster ”
~ Lord Adonis, Transport Minister
To cater for the ever increasing numbers of cars in Sheffield, the local council built a ring road around the city. This is actually the Great Wall of Sheffield designed to keep out the non-bus users and the scum from Leeds. It frequently jams as it is the one of only non bus-lanes in Sheffield, no one has a friggin clue where they are going so they end up going around and around in a circle indefinitely.
It has been said that 80% of tarmac in Sheffield is either a bus lane, or covered in litter and chewing gum.
Most of the locals ride on the Peasant Wagon. Its a shame they do, but as there is no other way to get around in the City Centre, although there is now a free bus but seems to be mostly inhabited by lazy people who can't be arsed to walk from the Bus Station to The Moor. One of the busiest stops is at Castle Market, a cess pit where scum gather around the cheap stores to save money for spending on Richmond fags.
The one road into Sheffield is called the Parkway as it becomes a car park during the hours of 730am-1000am every working day.
Sheffield has an airport, but they closed it down as they were broke as no one has wanted to fly to Sheffield except for the Luftwaffe in the 1940's who nearly blitzed the shit hole to the ground for good.
Sheffield also has a direct rail link with London Village, however due to the unique way Network Rail operates, it is actually quicker to go via the Kingdom of Doncaster.
[edit] Industry
Sheffield was once a small city with a thriving industry in the production of Stainless Steel cutlery.
It is now home to the Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant after the previous site, Chernobyl, got an F on its public health examination after the inspector died on getting out of the car.
[edit] Unemployment Economy
Sheffield's economy thrives on the provision public money to the unemployed. Unemployed are given a basic pay of £4000/week of which has strict spending quotas:
- 30% Narcotics
- 60% alcohol
- 10% fags
(accommodation is provided for free for up to ten kids)
They also must turn up weekly to the Jobcentre Plus and smoke weed outside, with a £100 bonus to whoever can cause the most trouble, an extra £300 is awarded if police tackle you to the ground.
This 'front line' environment has become part of the SAS training programme, in fact all staff are military personnel who have been reposted to the Sheffield Jobcentre to top up their knife defence skills.
[edit] Music:
'T Artic Monkeys, Pulp, Reverend and the makers, Human League, Def Leppard, Little Man Tate, Bal-Sagoth and lots of other good stuff which constantly fight in The Leadmill Music arena now-more-of-a-Battlefield. Richard 'Longpigs' Hawley is from Sheffield too but nobody cares 'cos he's one of those wuss musicians like Jewel or KT Tunstall.
[edit] People
The main population is of Good un's, but you can be sure that every Sheffieldian you meet is a social reject from some other town, possibly even another country . Uninterestingly, the general populace of Sheffield is unsure what they should collectively call themselves, as "Sheffielders" doesn't have the same ring to is a "Londoners". Hardly anyone calls them "Sheffers", though few people have used this crappy term. Overall, people from sheffield are friendly people, and beat Londoners 100000000000000000000-0 on generosity. ahem - please note this slight but important mote point people that are born and bred in this wonderful city refer to themselves as Sheffield : as in 'Werz e frum den?' ... Im? Eez Sheffield' ..... laconic, reasonable people.
[edit] Dialect
Are da goin darn 't pub den? = Are you going down to the public bar then, then? DEEE DARRS
- Reyt gud = Really Good
- Summat= Something
- Mardy= Grumpy, feisty, basically a grumpy old shit
- Soz= Sorry
- I've heard dah's got beef wi me = I've heard that you have quarrel with me?
- Jaskew - to ejaculate
- Chavs. The herd is diminishing: A typical example of a Chav is Ben Brocklesby. He is the ultimate chav and must be approached with extremem caution. they are often recognized by their confused pets, blaring hip-hop (a.k.a. "Sheffield Folk") and their 'trackie bottoms'. Some believe that Chavs don't have a brain that can understand things, such as why they should work hard at school and why they should become management consultants. Others believe that Chavs don't have a brain. Council houses are being built all over the city, to provide the natural habitat for this species, mainly the female teenage Chav and her young (the fathers are removed to prison before the birth of their young). The youth of today, makes me sick. In my day we respected our elders!
- Rockers. Emos, Scene Kids, moshers, punks, goths, etc etc. You name them, Sheffield has them, but in miniature, such as the 'Minnie Moshers' (8-16 year olds). The 'Minnie Moshers' have certain habits such as:
- Getting older moshers to buy the alcohol and fags.
- Sitting in herds in the Peace gardens or Devonshire Green (reason unknown).
- Hanging around in skate parks, clubs and shops such as 'Rocky Horrors'.
- Asians: Are mainly Chavs from Asia. They can be recognized almost everywhere in:
- newsagents.
- cheap take aways.
- your taxi driver.
- Racists
- Other:
- Elderly: the people who are too old to leave their house, but they do so anyway. And also those who take 5 minutes just to sit down on the bus.
- Business people: those who walk around in smart suits and disappear into the world of importance. They are mainly seen from 7-8am in the morning.
- Tourists: Those who take pictures of letter- and phone-boxes. Unbeknownst to them the red paint used on these distinctive items of Britishness is made of liquefied tourist.
- Annoyings: Those people that like to stand in corridors or at the top of an entrance and chat to their friends so that people can't get past. Their main location for evil people blocking is usually Town, MEADOWELL, Hospitals, and generally anywhere public.
- Other other: any hobo and unclassified person.
- Craig The Dancing Tramp, who resides in Endcliffe Park, which he owns.
[edit] Sport
A bit of a sour point for Sheffield, this.
Sheffield City Council remains in debt ever since the 1991 World Student Games came to the city, where the then leader of the Council, Helen Sharman, heavily brainwashed by intergalatic beings during her brief trip into space, invested US$300,000,000 in spacecraft charging mechanisms. These went unused, and went to form the base of the rubble which went into the Hole In The Road a few years later.
Sheffield claims to have the following, however this is open to much speculation:
- Two professional football teams: Blackwell FC and Laws Orient. A third side was recently expelled from the nearby Peoples Republic of Rotherham due to their failure to comply with the cult of personality created by the regime over the border, as well as multiple human rights atrocities, and has seeked refuge in a crumbling stadium in the Curry district of Sheffield until UN talks resume in Klagenfurt, Austria, next June.
- One professional rugby league side, still basking in the glory of a lucky Cup win more than 12 years ago.
- Two ice hockey teams and a basketball team. However with Ice Hockey and Basketball being Yank sports, nobody really gives a flying fuck about them.
- Numerous swimming pools, including one in the City Centre which, ironically, keeps having its car park flooded.
[edit] Sheffield Forum
“Without Sheffield Forum, I would not be the man I am today ”
~ Peter Sutcliffe in conversation with Fred Dineage, on Meridian Tonight, 20th October 2008
Not many other cities have a large web forum where people can join and discuss issues relevant to the local area. Unfortunately, Sheffield does, and Sheffield Forum is the name of this entity. It is usually inhabited by people with no lives, and anyone with over 4,000 posts are real life wasters and spend their days here as they have no friends to speak of. Not real friends, anyway.
The site is run by a bloke called Geoff. Nobody seems to know his surname: Geoff Boycott, being from Yorkshire himself, has refused to comment on speculation. Moderators on the site include (but not limited to) the Führer, Pol Pot, Robert Mugabe, Fidel Castro and all members of the current government of Turkmenistan. These moderator generally rule with an iron fist, deleting any comments they personally don't agree with (if they break the House Rules or not), without giving any explanations for doing so.
Regular topics and phenomena include:
- Cyclists jumping red lights
- Old people falling through windows and/or smelling
- Buses (cleanliness, poor routes, high fares, seat allocation or just plain lack of buses to moan about because they are late)
- Reports of the Google Street View car,
- Motorbikers in woods, specifically in an area of Sheffield known locally as High Green, which in 1989 attempted to attach itself to Barnsley, but without success
- The "I'm not a racist.......but... " thread.
- Panic over the non-existent threat of Swine Flu
- Lively debate over the merits of two organisations masquerading as football teams, who ply their trade in the second tier of said organisational structure.
- Sightings of UFO's that turn out to be Chinese lanterns,
- Sightings of Chinese lantern's that turn out to be UFOs,
- The "What was/is that loud bang/siren/screaming" (delete as appropriate) noise in suburb X at time Y thread,
- Enquiries into the activities of the emergency services ("What are the police doing on X Street?"), as well as the flight patterns of the police helicopter.
- Moans about children and their activities
- Requests for (gay friendly) drag bars.
- How do I get a bus from X to Y (ignoring the many other sites on the Net devoted to such information)
- "Why can't I post an ad?!". Even though it tells the user they need 5 posts first.
- The blatant promoting of businesses by first time posters.
- The purchasing of greyhounds
DISCLAIMER: Other Sheffield forum sites are available. (Inhabited by an even more boring bunch of freaky lifeless weirdos as the one mentioned above...........)
[edit] Tourist attractions
- Riots at the immigration centre at Millsands
- Wilkos 'n' Co-Op and the yokels who call Castle Market home.
- Conduit Road (it's very steep!)
- The freaky old woman who hangs around the library
- Hills. It's very hilly. Seven hills, apparently.
- The Moor - a 21st century concrete shopping centre
- The big pile of rubble where The Moor used to be
- The red light district behind the Shell garage. Many a prostitute has been led to her doom here.
- Meadowhell
- Sheffield University Arts Tower. The third-tallest building in Western Europe. Now covered by paper.
- Hallam University. Where all the people who were too thick to go to the real University go.
- Ecclesall Road. Hip student area, a quick 2 minute cycle ride or 90 minute bus ride from the city centre. Also where all the pretty girls get off the bus, much to the chagrin of middle aged blokes who live in Dore.
- The 'Hole In The Road' - to be found on most Sheffield streets.
- The worlds largest zoo: The Manor (recently awarded £3 million funding to concrete in the place)
[edit] See also
- Who the fuck put Worksop here?
- Nowhere in particular, just Rotherham
- And you thought sheffield was bad!
- What continent sheffield is in.
- Sheffield's top rival
- Another rival
- Somewhere just down the road
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