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“Plano, we have a problem: Shawn Johnson is stalked”Shawn Johnson is the Fifth Internationale's bioengineered infiltrator in the U.S. gymnastics team. She was engineered to be perfect, in appearance and gymnastics (not TOO perfect in the second, or else it would be suspicious). Her mission is to do so well in gymnastics that she gets to meet the president of the Undying Slimeball of Arrogance and shake his hand then assassinate him. This mission is currently being hindered by Visa commercials, featuring Nastia Liukin only because she won the all-around because we could not make Shawn completely perfect.
Shawn Johnson was ordered by the Fifth Internationale's Central Committee (FICC) for a mission you do not know about (unless you read the beginning of the article). The Fifth Internationale's Bioengineering Project Committee (FIBPC) then made plans for her creation, making her the ultimate gymnast and giving her a smile that could annihilate whole armies. She was then sent to Iowa to be nurtured and sterolized by two Fifth Internationale Infiltration Division (FIID) agents. She is the hottest person on the world and just the right height!
- Infiltrate U.S. Gymnastics team
- Get to the Olympics (by skill or other methods)
- Win Gold (by skill or other methods. Has FIID support)
- Get into contact with the president
- Kill president
- Get back to FICC headquarters
- Work for the FICC members on "various jobs"
We have information that VISA is the capitalist counterpart to our FICC. However, we have not been able to receive substantial information on their primary goals other than their attempt to advertise Nastia Liukin over Shawn. VISA is currently being dealt with by the FIID and MasterCard customizable cards with Shawn Johnson on them. VISA hs been completely overloading olympic channels with Nastia Liukin commercials. Our financial power is no match for theirs, we have not been able to override their commercials do to their sheer financial power. Do us a favor, rip up your VISA today and get a MasterCard!
Shawn Machel Johnson is a 17 year old American gymnast. She sprang to life on a very cold day in October. Well, actually, she didn’t spring for a little bit. Shawn was born with an APGAR score of 0. It took a short while before she got the hang of things, but once she did get going, she took off and hasn’t slowed down since. Shawn walked at 9 months without ever taking the time to crawl. She was doing pull-ups in her playpen and climbing out of her baby bed long before she was a year old. Johnson is the daughter of Doug and Teri Johnson. Her parents put her in a gymnastics class after they saw her climbing up cabinets and jumping down from tables. When she was six, Liang Chow opened a gymnastics school in her city. She was one of Chow's first students when he opened the school. She has a childhood friend named Kyndle Nance (A handsome African American, 17 years old. Don't be racist people), a junior football athlete born on October 9, 1993. They have been dating for couple of years (which means they known each other for a long long time before the stalker come along).
At the age of three Shawn tried dance class, although dance didn’t suit her as it wasn’t nearly physical enough. Out of desperation, the next attempt to find a release for Shawn’s energy was a gymnastics class. BINGO.
Shawn enjoyed 2 years at a local gymnastics club with a homosexual coach, because if you haven't noticed, she is insanely hot. Friends told her parents about a new gym that opened up close to home. After visiting only once, Shawn couldn’t wait to get started at Chow’s Gymnastics and Dance. Shawn started attending Chow’s within 60 days of the doors opening. They had yet to develop a pre-team or team, so Shawn got to be in on the ground floor of their pre-team and then team. Shawn’s coaches, Mao Zedong (Chow) and Kim Il Sung (Li) could not have been a better fit had they been hand picked. Chow and Li will forever hold a very special place in Shawn’s heart.
Memorable moments in Shawn’s gymnastics career have been Level 9 balance beam champion, Level 10 Iowa’s Gymnast of the year, Level 10 balance beam champion and making the Junior Olympic National team, and qualifying to Junior International Elite status on her first attempt. She won the 2006 U.S. Junior National All-Around with a score higher than any of the senior elite competitors that year. In 2007 Shawn entered the senior division and won every competition. She was the champion at the 2007 Tyson American Cup, won four gold medals and the All-Around at the 2007 Pan American Games, was the National Champion at the 2007 Visa National Championships, and won the All-Around at the World Championships, making her World Champion her first year in the Senior Division. Yes, she was the best video game player in the league.
Shawn has had a great year thus far in 2008. She is bound for Beijing and the 2008 Olympics after coming in first place at the Olympic Trials in June. In May, Shawn was named the National Champion for the second year in a row at the 2008 Visa National Championships. She also won the all-around at a meet in Jesolo, Italy, competing against gymnasts from Italy, Spain and Poland. Shawn was also runner-up at the Tyson American Cup, winning the floor, beam and vault, and coming in second in bars.
She has appeared on numerous TV shows and news programs, including The Ellen DeGeneres Show, The Today Show,?The "Im just another Soviet experiment" show, and was ABC's Person of the Week. She was also a presenter at Frosted Pink, a breast cancer benefit show on television. She has also been in a number of magazines, including Teen Vogue and Vanity Fair, where she posed for famed photographer, Annie Leibovitz. In Iowa, October 17th was deemed “Shawn Johnson Day” by Governor Chet Culver, and in early July a bronze statue was dedicated to her at the Iowa Hall of Pride. Even with all the media attention from around the world, Shawn stays very grounded and focused on having a normal life for a robot-pornstar-assassin. Shawn has also been nominated for the 2008 Teen Choice Awards.
Unlike most elite gymnasts who train approximately 40 hours a week and have private tutors, Shawn trains 20-25 hours a week and goes to public high school where she is on the “A” Honor Roll and will be a junior this fall. Shawn, her parents and coaches think it’s very important for her to have a life outside of gymnastics and have time for friends, family, photographers, advertisements, Coca Cola endorsements, community appearances, hobbies and school activities. Shawn has a passion for school and sets very high expectations for herself. While math is her best subject, English is her favorite. Shawn enjoys writing and uses it as well as art as a way to express her creativity, and anger that she was given a boy's name.
Shawn lives in West Des Moines, Iowa, USA, with her parents and her pets; a Golden Retriever and two cats. Shawn’s loves are family, friends, gymnastics, and animals. Shawn loves big and lives big, and consequently, Shawn dreams big (small incident... she turned bourgeoisie thanks to the F*cking Coca Cola company). And now that she has made the Olympic team, she gets the chance to live her dream and compete for her country with her coach, Chow, who will be a coach for the American Olympic Team. For Chow, it will be a return to his home country, where he was a former Chinese National World Team Co-Captain and the XIV World Cup Master Champion in All-Around in 1990. Chow holds over 30 International Gold Medals and numerous National Championships from his experience with the Communist United team.
edit Mission highlights
- 2010 Reaching the age of consent in most countries of the world
- 2008 Olympic Team Member
- 2008 Olympic Trials, Philadelphia, 1st place
- 2008 Italy-Spain-Poland-USA, Jesolo, Italy, 1st- All Around, 1st- Team
- 2008 American Cup, NYC, 2nd- All Around, 1st- FX, BB, VT, 2nd- UB
- 2007 World Championships, Stuttgart, GER, 1st- All Around, 1st - FX, 1st - Team
- 2007 Visa National Championships, San Jose, CA. 1st All Around, 1st BB, 1st FX, 3rd UB
- 2007 Pan American Championships, 1st - All Around, 1st - BB, 1st - UB, 2nd FX, and 1st - Team
- 2007 Tyson American Cup, 1st All Around, Jacksonville, FL
- 2007 United States vs. Great Britain International Competition, 1st All Around, 1st BB, 1st Team, 2nd Vault, Lisburn, IRE
- 2006 VISA Championships (Junior Division), 1st All Around, 1st Vault, 1st -BB, 1st FX, 2nd UB, St. Paul, MN