Shart
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“Oh...that was just a fart”
~ Anonymous on Shart
“Uh, no it wasn't”
~ Standing directly behind Anonymous on Shart
In layman's terms, sharting is farting and a little extra something you didn't expect.Simplified Equation: SH = F + 1 People who shart are commonly referred to as sharters.
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[edit] Similar Noble Acts Often Confused With Sharting
- So-called prairie dogging does not qualify as sharting since it is only solid. "Prairie dogging" was named after the behavior of wild prairie dogs, in which the animal will stick it's head out of the ground and look around. In humans/feces, the same kind of scenario takes place. Twenty percent of the time, the "prairie dog" can be forced back in "the hole". However, the other 80% of time, no matter how hard you try (and we often put an enormous amount of effort, even resorting to "manual" help), it's just not going to happen. In some cases, there's an unfortunate "lopping off" effect.
- Wet farts are often confused with sharting. Although very similar in spirit, wet farts are generally much more diluted that sharts, but can often cause the same unpleasant sensation in the person undergoing the process.
- Ass Sweat, to the hardcore shart enthusiast, isn't even in the same league with sharts. Yet ass sweat has ensued some excitement due to recent findings that 10% of ass sweat consists of something that is not sweat.
- Flat-out shitting yourself, as in if you were going to the toilet, but instead just let loose in your pants. Though somewhat related, these people are not viewed as sharters but shitters. Shitters save money on toilet paper and water utility bills, but have a hard time keeping social relationships.
- So-called "I'll-wipe-laters" who do indeed use the bathroom, but due to lack of toilet paper or will power, will just wipe later.
[edit] How Do I Make Myself Shart?
- 1/2 gallon prune juice, chugged through a beer-bong.
- Any sugar free candy that has a "may cause a laxative effect" warning -- consume a dozen bags.
- Eat a gigantic Fish Taco.
- "Force shart"! Eat a very heavy meal and then just concentrate. Visualize yourself sharting, and commit some physical effort to it. This may take several months, but keep at it; it will happen if you really believe in yourself.
[edit] What To Do When You Shart
First and foremost, in the brief couple of seconds while it happens, just enjoy it. Then panic.
Next, look back and check for a stain. If there is a nasty stain, then at this point we have reached a fork in the road:
Option 1: I am ashamed that I have just shit myself in public. Relax, just keep walking and acting normally. Slowly transition to shart-walking.
- accomplishes nothing.
- draws attention to the fact you just shit yourself.
Many sharters have ingeniously employed acting like a penguin in order to disguise their shart walking, sometimes throwing onlookers off. In which case, they often times end up looking like a person who is imitating a penguin and has just shit all over him/herself. Using an extra amount of strategy, many sharters have recently added making a "coo" sound while acting like a penguin -- basically, as usual, you start to combine shart walking with your arms at your side, while making, you know, a little penguin face, and loudly "cooing", at which point an onlooker may have one of two comments:
- "Excuse me, it is pigeons who 'coo', not penguins" (mission accomplished).
- "Excuse me, you just shit yourself you crazy fuckin' freak" (quickly run away).
The fourth step is recovery and clean up. Shart-walk to the nearest bathroom. In an empty stall, clean up and assess the damage. Underwear is typically discarded while a judgement is made to whether the pants can be salvaged or thrown out. You may try to clean the pants with soap and water. However, many times, the stain will be too powerful; you will be forced to buy new clothing. Take your wallet/purse and run, as fast as you can, to a retail establishment that sells clothes. Do not slow down until you have hit a fitting room with a pair of pants you quickly pulled off a rack. The reason you run so fast is due to the fact that you are naked from the the waist down. You may end up getting arrested in the process.
Option 2: I'll say it loud, i got brown in my pants and I'm proud. If you look down and see a stain, but you don't give a care in the world, then girlfriend, just keep walkin'. Instead of shart-walking you actually start shart-struttin'. The people described in this option may end up going to a clothing store as well, but instead buy t-shirts that read "Yeah, I know already, AND?" or "SHART PRIDE".
Some proud sharters actually use a the "force shart" method mentioned above while dancing in public. See Poopin'. There's nothing wrong with this type of behaviour.
In the event there is no stain, you can relax a bit more, and can shart-walk at about 50 percent. You are alarmed but a bit more comfortable about the whole thing, so there's no rush to the bathroom. Just continue the rest of the day, and just clean up at home when you get the chance. God bless you.
[edit] Typical, Yet Heartwarming Shart Stories
"One morning I just went crazy: downed a gallon of grape juice and headed to work. As an office manager, I manage office operations for a small accounting firm. I got in a little late and quickly sat at my desk. As soon as I sat, I blew a silent fart. At the end of it, I felt something come out. I started pecking away at my keyboard, as I tried to convince myself nothing had just happened. I began to overhear co-workers comment very strongly about a terrible odor. After a few minutes, and more very vocal complaints, I began to realize while my fart had dissipated, there was something in my underwear that had an odor that would not go away. I pretended I had no idea what the smell was, even though I was starting to feel very uncomfortable. As the accounting ladies continued to patrol for the source of the odor, I made a sprint for the bathroom. I was moving as quickly as possible, but I was wearing bleach white slacks and was spotted immediately. Within seconds all the accounting ladies encircled me, slapped me to the floor and kicked me unconscious. I came out of the hospital with a separated rib and a broken nose."
Paco Jones, Knoxville, TN
"During my college days I sharted as I walked down a campus building hallway. Absolutely grossed out, I just removed my shorts and underwear and used the penguin-impersonation shart walk style: a nice stiff shart walk, with my arms at my side, making like a little penguin face. The shart itself was not well contained at all; it was all over the place. Freaked out, I sort of lost my train of thought and just penguin-shart-walked around the hallway for a good 45 minutes while people looked on in total horror. I ended up in a mental health facility for 2 months."
Leila Kash, Ft. Lauderdale, FL
"Sharted while in line at a bank. My approach to handling it was just to lie down on the floor and pretend I was having a heart attack. Fifteen minutes a later, I was placed in an ambulance. The paramedics, a bit suspicious, checked me out and cold busted me. I kid you not, they opened the back door and threw me out of the van while it was still moving."
Barbara Ethan, Reno, NV
[edit] Miscellaneous Phenomena
There was a reported incident of a double sharting event on a bus in New York, 1981. A man sitting very close to another man sharted (really nice) and was able to penetrate the pants of the man sitting next to him. It was initially thought that both men had simultaneously sharted at the same time, yet physicists have quickly and correctly theorized if two people within 2 meters of each other shart at the very same time, the sun will explode into a supernova so extraordinary, it would annihilate the entire Milky Way.
There is now an important global initiative underway to educate large populations of people about this potential danger and how to prevent it.If you suspect you have a shart coming, you must alert everyone close to you. It may be embarrassing, but for example, if you're in a crowded elavator, you should say something to the effect of "hey guys, there's a good chance I may shart myself right now, everybody cool?"
What the Deuce... Is that a brownie?
