Shark
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“Shark is just a name we give our mistakes. Or was it experience?”~ Oscar Wilde on sharks
“ In soviet russia, sharks fear YOU!!!”
“You got me freakin' sharks with freakin' lazer beams attached to their freakin' heads?”
~ Dr.Evil to Scott for having got him the sharks with freakin' lazer beams.
“ First, ve kill ze dolphins, zen ve invade england”
~ The french sharks battle plan, which has never been carried out, because they are pussys
“dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum DUM dum dum dum DUM dum dum dum ”
“CHOMP!”
~ a shark as it chomps a victim
“We were attacked and brutally raped by several gang bangin' sharks. They forced us to do terrible things and then devoured our souls.”
~ Steve Belskie and Jim Donahue
Sharks are the the most feared, mindless, inconsiderate man-eating bastards in all of the universe. They are the product of cross-breeding between dolphins, Vegeta, and Emo kids. Notable species include the 'bull shark', the more exotic 'tiger shark', and the 'grey nurse', subject of numerous erotic novels popular in land-based retirement communities. The 'Great White Shark', as the name suggests, is widely regarded as both intellectually and physically superior to all other breeds. Inland species include the 'pool-shark' the 'loan shark' and the 'card shark'.
Sharks want to eat you. Sharks want to kill you and tear you into tiny tiny tiny little pieces and devour you the same way they have for millions of years in a supreme dictator style. But its not because they hate you, it's because they can. And because its their job you jackass, what you want, a medal? One theory on why sharks eat us was formed by Daniel Cookiumus, when he made an announcement of his theory this is what he said "Sharks just banded together and decided, Let's start eating people"(theory yet to be proven to be a jackass and try figuring it out, cause you'll die, i'm serious they'll be like "That guy is fucked, I swear he is fucked, i'm gona kill him).
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[edit] Origins of the shark
The shark the killer of the deep, the dominant predator of the ocean, feared by all who see it, once was the most powerful animal in the world. The shark had long ago walked the earth as man does today. The shark was a very advanced race they had very advanced laze-are technology which was even more advanced than the X-Box 360 Elite. With there technology they created huge societies and powerful weapons to combat their rivals “The Giant Chickens”. The sharks use to control the entire southeastern hemisphere which was pretty much Australia. But the humans kicked the sharks in the dorsal fin goodbye. The sharks also use to play children’s card games to decide laws which somehow seemed to work. They had many wars like the Sunday paper war of 457 S.E (Shark era) the sharks lost that war, and there was world war zero in 737 S.E where the sharks, toucans and the French allied against the chickens, Canadians and Gordon Ramsey the sharks were victorious. The sharks were inventors of many things such as the flying potato, electric guitar, the planet Mercury, Little Debby and pencils. Sharks were also the first species to find life on other planets in which they destroyed those species in a very laz-arey way with disco music. The down fall of the sharks was due to a species of a planet known as planet Sparta. The Spartans arrived on earth with the main goal of killing and screaming “this is Sparta!!!” The Spartans attacked the shark capital of Boise with nothing but basic army equipment a cape, a sword and shield and a very tight undergarment. The sharks attacked with there super beaming laz-are weapons but the laz-ares were ineffective the continuous screaming of “this is Sparta!!!” broke the waves which the laz-are beams traveled thus a constant slaughter of sharks commenced. The sharks eventually were forced to flee towards the sea. Over the years the shark evolved into a state bound to water and their laz-are technology was used to make clothing for the Spartans. The Spartans were taken down by Leonard Cohen with a can opener. So the sharks live to this day in the in the seas of earth defending Leonard Cohen from clams and shrimp in the water. (he hates them)I'm gonnna eat you today. Tomorrow is spontaneous combustion day.Hi, I am Harper Lucas and I hate Jackson Thompson and I have a MAGIC MEATBALL.POTATOES WILL EAT US ALL SOMEDAY.There's a volcano in my pants.MAGIC MEATBALL.
Hi Harper Lucas. You are a fag.
[edit] Sobering Thought
- In 2004, Sharks killed 11.9999999 Humans (Source: [1])
- In 2004, Humans killed more than 12 Sharks (Source: [2])
- In 2005, The Great Shark wars destroyed every last cute and cuddly dolphin.
- In 2002, Sharks painted the toenails of more than 450.2 blonde beach babes. (The .2 is to include Paris Hilton )
- In 2009 Reknowned scientist Jesse Gearhart discovered a small clan of new sharks evolving through the use of stencils and paper hats
Some facts about sharks that you didn't know
- Sharks will eat your god-damn ass
- Umm...
- Sharks can kick your ass from here to right over there.
- Sharks are physically incapable of feeling happiness.
- Duh
- hmmm
- ummm
- Sharks are sharks
- Sharks, as well as dinosaurs, are the only thing other than a lightsaber that can damage Samuel L. Jackson.
- The only way for a human to kill a shark is by throwing a plastic bag of piss at it
- The only thing slightly more powerful than a shark is the planet Jupiter and the Killer Whale (which have a nasty habit of raping).
- Bruce Lee is currently learning the ways of Shark-Fu, a shark style of Kung-Fu.
- A Shark with venomous fangs,legs and wings is the deadliest animal alive
- A shark is called a shark
- Some scientists argue that sharks are not actually birds, at all. These people are quite right.
- sharks do not like apples
[edit] Species
[edit] Land Shark
The land shark is the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the land shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women. Experts at the University of Miami's Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the nose or to not answer the door.The land shark also featured in the gayest fantasy adventure 'blue dragon'
Now for the weather..
[edit] Bad Shark
A bad shark is the opposite of a good shark. Bad sharks tend to live in waters filled to the brim with young children and people with silly hats. Growing to about 19 and 3/4 hands, they seem like a childish version of jackie chan. Most bad sharks tend to excrete near furniture and other human made objects so its good to build cautiously. When encoutering a bad shark its best to hit it on the head and yell "BAD SHARK!" as this usally is enough to startle them and make them go home and rethink there life. Reknowned scientist Jesse Gearhart says: "The red panda is known for being docile thus it is quite popular with the ladys." This isnt the warning told by the USDA. Others include dont drink the water, move your feet lose your seat, and wash your hands before we eat dinner. When at a beach or a very large pool, look for a warning sign.
[edit] Loan Shark
Loan sharks are a very rare breed of shark, but equally are one of the more intelligent species. Utilising their laze-are technology of the past Shark Eras, Loan Sharks have been able to solve the mere humans' debt situations. A loan shark will loan it's unsuspecting prey some degree of money, captial, or baked beans, and when the time is right, strike with it's awesomeness to subdue it's prey.
It is not unheard of that Loan and Card sharks often compete for business empires. In one instance, the Loan and Card shark species united against the Bikers and the Vic Vance empire to try and kick ass. Unfortunately for them, the lonely, slightly overweight teenage boy playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories took over the Sharks' empire. Just goes to show why the humans won the fight the first time round, sharks.
[edit] Card Shark
A subspecies of Land Shark, this notorious fish is often spotted in casinos and saloons depending on the status of the individual. The most damage dealt by one was 50,000 dollars in high stake Texas Hold-Em. Modified fins for holding paper money and cards. Has uncanny knowledge of mathematics.
[edit] Shark with Laser beam Attached to it's Head
Evil and cool. Recommended for all evil people. Involves getting a shark and attaching a laser beam to it's head. Aim at that bragging neighbor's new Porsche for some added fun. Also used to knock over buildings, Push over international icons and eat annoying businessmen and that certain bragging neighbor. Unfortunately it cannot eat your Broccoli for you. If you should happen to hear a shark chargin' its lazer its best to duck and hide behind a wall of babies. Babies have special protein in their skin which deflect shark lazers. GOD DAMN YOU BROCCOLI!
- ' 'OMG! are they frickin sharks with frickin lazers attached to their heads?' '
- Doctor Evil
[edit] Freakin Shark with Freakin Laser Beam Attached to it's Freakin Head
Even more dangerous than the regular kind this species seems to be so evil and cool that only The Empire and Dr Evil can get them. The word freakin has driven the sharks into a frenzy that makes them immune to Broccoli and makes their lasers babyproof. The only way to beat them is to feed them either sprouts or Paris Hilton ( a noble sacrifice for these great beasts. The sharks that is not Paris or Sprouts. They can go to hell). They don't even need SHOOP DA WOOP to fire their lasers which are upgraded from the standard issue. The new lasers can fire everywhere at once. The only thing you can do to defend yourself from these horrible leviathans of evil lairs and other waterways is to crap yourself and hope you ate sprouts. but because sprouts are disgusting then your odds are not good. Best to just kill yourself before the shark does it for you or pretend it's not happening. And even if you've got protection in the form of Master Chief, Al Gore or Jesus. Well you can get saved by P-tri because he is like the asomeous god ever, although has no luck what so ever . If hes not there to save you its best just to run or swim like you're Britney Spears being chased by Chris Crocker.yes you may also get cover from sierra and the mostest awsome transformer ever bummble bee.
[edit] Flying shark
The flying shark, also called the Air Shark, is a relative of the land shark. Most, but not all, have frickin' laser beams on their frickin' heads which they use to zap their frickin' prey,(COOL) along with any innocent passers-by. The flying shark was the symbol for the Whig party, however the frickin' laser on his frickin' head was replaced with one of those frickin' old white wigs (groan).
[edit] Did You Know?
- The name 'shark' is a misnomer. Sharks are very worried about looking cool at all times, and they constantly say to each other "Sharp!" as a greeting and indication of how they look. A Lack of lips and the resulting thpeech impediment has resulted in the garbled "Shark!". Hence, the cause of 90% of all shark attacks is resentment of having their speech issues mocked. The other 10 percent is simply because they are bored and want something to do. A shark's natural diet consists of kittens, 16 year olds, starfish, and barefeet.
- Over $666 million dollars in loans were made by sharks in New York. It was a choice between them or bankers.
- When not hard at work, sharks can usually be found crowded around pool tables in local bars.
- Sharks do not eat lawyers. Professional courtesy.
- Shark vagina is a delicacy in Mombasa
- Morgan Slevakiangchuiyiichi III (aka homosharkien)has been named the n00b of all Sharks, and is planning a takeover of the human race.
- A new form of fuel is being invented right now that is powered by sharks.
- The shark, while atop a bear, is considered the Deadliest animal ever.
- Sharks have a strong preference to the taste of divers with flippers on, especially those holding steaks and dressed as seals.
- Using sharks as portable bowling alleys is very popular in the eastern parts of the west coast of Hungary.
- Sharks are currently waging a 100 year war on dolphins
- Sharks are sharky (as in shark like)
- GameSharks aren't real sharks, though some of their behavior is similar.
- Scientists have successfully cloned a shark with the ability to read, write and shoot laser beams out of it's head.
- Sharks have their own coat of arms depicting the current 100 year war on dolphins, pool tables and lots and lots of chum.
- Jack Thompson is a shark.
- It's a proven fact all sharks are bi curious
- There is a reality tv show in the works called shark factor
- There IS such a thing as a sharpoon. Created in 5076 bc it was the main form of hunting in the small islands of micronesia. it is shaped like a normal whaling harpoon, but midway through flight the sharpoon explodes revealing a shark which then chomps the desired target leaving no room for mistake.
[edit] Diet
Pretty much just about freakin anything. Sharks have been found with some weird stuff inside them. Ranging from vehicle license plates to tires to that cool surfer guy you used to see hangin' around down by the dock where they have FUCK, an English major?
If it's edible it eats it! Duh!
Also they eat they're own legs if they can't find food. The albino sharks specialise in munching on bin liners and cadbury's toothpaste.
They have been known of eating humans just for joy, but they are specially keen on eating chubby boys.
Shark philosopy states: "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT oh dude look! EAT EAT EAT
[edit] Famous sharks
- JAWS
- Lawyer
- Son of Jaws
- Singing Shark
- Jaws's good twin brother
- Jabberjaw
- Sega Master System II Jaws
- Lobster Jaws
- Misterjaw
- Ralph
- Shrek
- Jshrk
- Conan O'Brien
- James Woods
- Jack Thompson
- Chevy Chase
- Water Polo... With Sharks!
- Salsa Shark
- Shark Movie - Courtesy of the Scary Movie crew
