Shaquille O'Neal

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 17:19, February 17, 2013 by Spike (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
“Don't lose no $40 million, don't build no damn Shaq-bot, oh yeah, and be a friend...pass the ball...and don't be rapin' listening to me, Kobe?”
~ Shaq on drugs probably
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Black Jesus?

Left: What Shaq looks like today.
Right: Computer generated image of what Shaq will look like in 2017

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaquille "Shaq" O'Neal, AKA: "That fat fuck basketball player wit dem big ass sized mother fuckin' shoes" is mostly known for being a basketball player that was once great, but had he not lost $40 Million on investing in "Kazzam II: I dream of my dick being able to touch the ground...oh shit der go my legs", he wouldn't need millions of dollars to pay off his bills, and know his welcome in the WNBA is long over drawn. Shaq spent his retirement season in 2012 as a freak side-show attraction for the Boston Feltdicks where stoned college kids could attend to adore the star of their favorite retro game "Shaq Fool". Shaq played for pretty much every team in the WNBA league that could afford his overpaid, big fat ass, although, but had not been worth paying shit for since the days he was a L.A Raper with his now ex-teammate & now arch nemesis Kobe "Rape a white bitch in da ass" Bryant.

Shaq is shit into the World

Shaq's parents, a Sasquatch named Duncan & a smelly green ogre named ShreQ, mated and the end result was a baby Duncan-ogre from his mommas snatch-squatch that they decided to call Shaquille due to the ill effects of the drugs they give women at birth having not worn off yet.

Shaq's birth was not a fairy-tale beginning. The moment Shaq was born via a Cesarean anal cavity search, the doctor returned to the waiting room to inform Shaq's father that their had been some complications, and that the son was born with such humongous feet that they had to remove her spleen and colon in order to pull the baby out via her rectum. The doctor then told Shaq's pop that the mother would have to spend the rest of her life as a cripple, with no ability to move anything below her head, and that she was completely brain dead. He would have to feed her and change her soiled clothes for the rest of her life. Shaq's daddy began to tear up then started balling his eyes out. Thats when the doctor said, "I'm just fuckin' with ya, the bitch died, here, take this, it's is your son" and he handed the father the worlds largest turd anyone had ever seen.

Early Shaqsquacth Life

Shaq spent most of his childhood locked in his cage with a bucket on his head playing his favorite game, "Where's the bucket?" which Shaq today still enjoys trying to find where that damn bucket is, even tho it's right there in-front of his face. He may not be able to score a bucket from say ... "free throw" distance, but he sure does known how to slam a rock into that bucket so hard that the bottom of the bucket breaks, plus, Shaq likes the sight of stuffing his balls into a hole.

It was only natural that when Shaq grew up he would want to become a basketball player. Even tho technically Shaq is just a giant turd standing at 7 feet 80 inches in height, his lack of basketball skills doesn't matter as everyone knows that the position of "center" only requires you being tall enough to block shots with your head, even if it's by sheer accident that your head just so happened to be able to get in the way as someone half your size attempts to shoot the ball at the basket.


Trickless Magician


Shaq not even aware of people in Florida hanging onto his big fat ass for dear life

After Shaq had been paid his first millions of dollars for his big fat ass to block shots and dunk on people smaller then him playing college basketball, he became the third overall turd-pick for the Orlando Slamdicks. Shaq began earning as much money as he did playing for Michigan, and worth every last penny too, as Shaq spent his first few years in the WNBA dunking, and blocking shots with his ass, while also tearing down backboards and ripping the house down which became known as the "Shaq Attack" because he kept attacking and breaking all the shit around him like a 2 year old retard learning to crawl and wanting to pull everything apart.

This cost the Orlando Magic way too much money to keep repairing shit that Shaq kept breaking, and that's coming from a place where citizens are so dumb they are seen on average 3 times a year holding onto a palm tree for dear life screaming "WE LOVE THIS PLACE" as a hurricane tries to suck them out into the Bermuda Triangle. The tornadoes never had enough power to lift Shaq's fat ass off the ground, and thats why on average you would see Shaq standing in a storm smiling & waving at the passers blowing by him as 3 people hung to Shaq's ass for dear life.

Shaq ferry

Kobe really was a bad influence on Shaq.

L.A Rim Raper

Shaq would find himself traded off to the other side of the force when he was enlisted by the Los Angeles Rapers after Orlando figured there is no point paying a giant rim wrecking turd that much money if he couldn't win them a championship. So now traded to L.A, Shaq would rape the basket with his balls as much as he liked, and his teammates would rape white women in the ass provided they said "no" first. L.A lead by Shaq managed to somehow win 3 championships in a row, leaving the idiots back in Orlando jumping around and cussing about it just before the wind picked up and blew their boneheaded desicion making asses out to sea.

During his time with L.A, Shaq had the misfortune of having to play with the latest Michael Jordan wannabe, which meant that Shaq would get pissed off that their was ANOTHER ballhog on the team. The rapist man we are talking about is Kobe Bryant. Shaq and Kobe started off as ok friends, but when Kobe started averaging 12 steals a game, from Shaq's hands, Shaq started to get really upset and threatening Kobe that if he didn't start passing him the ball, he would write a rap song about him. This however did not phase Kobe, and proved that he may just be the next Michael Jordan after Kobe was found to be cheating on his wife in hotel rooms. Shaq demanded that he be traded from L.A and sent back home to Miami where he could shoot bricks in the sun once more.

Miami Bitch

Shaq returned to Florida to play for the Miami Bithces in Heat. Along with another washed up superstar of yesteryear, Shaq and Bozo Mourning helped Miami win their first championshit and spend days celebrating by farting in L.A's general direction where Kobe could smell the sweet aroma of what real champions smell like. Over the next few years, Shaq became more and more retarded, and slowed down a lot and has become a joke of the WNBA. While Kobe has become the man of the day, Shaq is just waiting patiently to pay off his $40 million dollar debt, by playing for whatever team is dumb enough to pay him to play for, while also waiting for Kobe to slow down and not know when to quit, and that's when Shaq plans to sneak up on Kobe, and fuck HIM in the ass without his consent. But Shaq has stated now is not the time, because Kobe is at the peak of his career, and his dick doesn't require Viagra to get it up anymore.

Shaq Attack

Shaq practices the art of "Shaq Fool" which is an art of practicing raping white people from behind. However it may seem, it is not the kind of rape that Kobe preforms. Shaq is practicing the good side of the force, by sticking his dick up non-consenting white MENS assholes and not un-consenting white women's chocolate starfish. This is because Shaq believes the male anus is much stronger and thicker then a females, so Shaq's cock is getting a much stronger workout and be learning to use much more force in his penetration. Shaq has stated that his dick is much bigger and powerful then Kobe's, and once Kobe starts slowing down in his ability to run around Shaq's fat ass 30 times before Shaq can blink, then that's the day Shaq's gonna catch Kobe and fuck HIS ass without consent and teach that mother fucker a lesson about PASSING, cause Shaq says "I guarantee you Kobe mothafucka', when I get you sucka, you aint gonna be able to pass shit right for years."



Shaq blows an opponent away with a single cum shot.

Shaquille is not just a really crappy basketball player, he is really crap at other things too. In 1993 Shaq released his first crap CD called "Shaq Diesel". There is an old saying amongst those with taste in music that the only thing worse then a rap star who thinks he is a basketball player is a basketball player who thinks he can rap. Shaq is THE living proof that those very words are true. No one could even figure out what the fuck Shaq was saying in his songs. To most it sounded like "uhh doober doober doober duur duur" and to other retards who listened to it it sounded like, "dc ym gniyub rof ssabmud a uoy". Shaq's idea of lyrics where as equally as retarded as the name he chose for the album. We suspect he may have misspelled the word and meant "Shaq be a dickhead yo".

It was if Shaq's first album wasn't enough, but every time Shaq was traded to a new team, he felt he had to destroy the already fucked up world of rap music, with a new album. Unfortunately, due to Shaq being an Ogre, no one had the balls to tell Shaq face to face that he could not sing, and should do the world a favor and make like 2Pac and just fuck off and die already. Shaq said he loved to rap cause his momma always told him how special spethshall he was at Christmas time when he would help momma wrap the presents up for all their niggas.


As if Shaq's rapping career wasn't bad enough, he even attempted to make his own brand of martial arts called; "Shaq Fool", which was the dumbest thing the world had ever seen, prior to the release of Shaq Fool: the video game, which was THE dumbest fuckin' thing ANYONE had seen until Shaq made a movie called Kazzam, which was then THE dumbest thing anyone had ever seen until Shaq lost $40 million by investing in its sequel which was THE dumbest thing any one had seen since Michael Jordan fucked up his legacy by coming out of retirement saying he wanted to be a Wizard cause of his inspiration from watching Harry Potter films.

Shaquille oneal-13282

"Learnd-ed-ded this move off my nigga Hulk Hogan, Brotha Fukka!


"Shaq be OK wit helping wit da house work. To pay off da car bill and whut not, but no make Shaq pick no cotton, yo, or Shaq will Attack you Azz, yo."


Some of the things Shaq will be most remembered for in his WNBA career are all the opponents he injured because he forgot he was supposed to be a basketball player and thought he was a WWE superstar. Shaq would waddle out on the court and everything seemed like it would be a normal day. But then someone would get too close to Shaq and the next thing you know, Shaq's body-slammed someone to the court, ripped the whole ring support out of the floorboards and began smashing unbreakable glass backboards over their heads.

This would enrage the coach as he and his teammates kept trying to tell Shaq that he was a GAY basketball player, not a GAY sports entertainer. Shaq seemed to get confused by this a lot. And it took a lot of effort to stop a giant brain-dead turd from going King Kong on peoples ass whenever the ball would smack into Shaq's head and he would spin around in a daze before he smiled, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and said, "WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN SHAQ DOES A ROODY POOH-POOH ALL OVER YOU-YOU". The end result of broken bones and injured basketball players where devastating, but not quite as devastating as when Shaq would drop his draws and drop a Cleveland Cava-Steamer on his downed opponent for the home crowed that he entitled "The Shaq-Attack-Crap". However, spectators still sell some of Shaqs memorabilia shit on EBay for, like Shaq's pay check, over priced numbers.

A shaq 395

"Stole'ded dis most electrifying move in sports entertainment history from my nigga Da Rock Yo"


"Goonee-Goo-Goo, Yo"

Shaq-a-nik-nak-paddy-whack give the Sasquatch a last bone

2012 marked the final run waddle for the 9 foot tall Sasquatch who was overpaid by the Boston Feltdicks to sit his big fat ass down on 3 seats on the bench. Shaq was easy to spot when and if he got any court time, he was the tall streak of duck shit laying on the court crying about a sprained knee or faking a back injury to get out of the way of his ex team-mate Kobe, before he mistook Shaq's big ass for an non-consenting white bitch and got raped. He then retired to focus 100% of his Shaq-Fool techniques.

Life after Basketball

Shaq moved in with the Henderson family after they accidentally ran over Shaq in their family SUV in February of 2013. Due to the injuries the family sustained from the accident, and that Shaq had no money to pay their medical insurance that while Shaq stood their in a daze with his head spinning and eyes rolling back into his head confused there was no backwards to break, the Henderson family decided they may as well adopt Shaq as their family pet and he could spend 20 years doing their house work for them to pay off their medical bills as well as the SUV that was a total write-off yet Shaq emerged without a scratch on him.

National Basketball Association (2010)
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division: Boston Celtics | New Jersey Nets | New York Knicks | Philadelphia 76ers | Toronto Raptors
Central Division: Chicago Bulls | Cleveland Cavaliers | Detroit Pistons | Indiana Pacers | Milwaukee Bucks
Southeast Division: Atlanta Hawks | Charlotte Bobcats | Miami Heat | Orlando Magic | Washington Wizards
Western Conference
Northwest Division: Denver Nuggets | Minnesota Timberwolves | Portland Trail Blazers | Oklahoma Team Stealers | Utah Jazz
Pacific Division: Golden State Warriors | Los Angeles Clippers | Los Angeles Lakers | Phoenix Suns | Sacramento Kings
Southwest Division: Dallas Mavericks | Houston Rockets | Memphis Grizzlies | New Orleans Hornets | San Antonio Spurs
Other Articles: NBA Finals | All-Star Game | NBA Draft | Current team rosters |

Personal tools
In other languages