Shaq Fu

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Shaq Fµ is an obscure style of martial arts usually compared to Jujitsu or Muay Thai kickboxing, though in fact its means of incapacitation are far more closely related to Chinese Water Torture. Practitioners are rare, as few are capable of withstanding the techniques for long enough to learn them properly without descending into madness. Attempts to record the techniques have proven similarly futile, as The original school of Shaq Fµ wiped all traces of the techniques from its archives, deeming them a satanic art not intended for mortal man.

Often confused with a fighting game of the same title; history shows us that the release of the game, which was originally intended as an introduction to the fighting style, was a mistake.


The delicate techniques of Shaq Fµ are intended to damage the internal organs; because of this, only blows landed directly in the center of a person are effective. This includes the many Projectile attacks the style is known for creating. Unlike in other styles of combat, hits are not meant to be strung together. Rather, the fighter is meant to perform one of four single strikes at lightning speed. Another staple technique of Shaq Fµ involves the use of terrible puns and cringe inducing one liners that would make 4Kids screenplay writers vomit in disgust. By utilizing these tidbits of dialogue, the practicioner of Shaq Fµ gains an advantage, as the opponent is sent into a laughing fit, not because of how funny this one liner is, but how corny it is. Goofy clown shorts and smelly sports jerseys of any kind(basketball and football are most preferred) also add a tremendous amount of ridiculousness to Shaq Fµ. One can light his foot on fire and kick someone with it to light them on fire. Too bad one can't kick too well. One can also throw a Japanese throwing tool used by mystical ninjas in orange pajamas who eat raman and have stupid catch phrases, known as a Shaq-uriken

The Game

At some point late in 1994 (Though most historians, martial artists, and That Guy believe that the game itself was developed for the most part during the Spanish Inquisition), Electronic Arts released a game under the name of Shaq Fµ; in a Brilliant marketing ploy, they included Popular basketball player Shaqµille O'Neal within the game, and featured him promenently upon the cover. While Videogamers claimed that this was mearly an attempt to sell the game to fans of Shaqµille (which would have doubled the expected market basem to an impressive size of 53 mentally handicapped children and one dead woodchuck), it was in fact to tirck Steven Seagal, one of the last remaining masters of the art, into thinking that it was a marketing ploy: in fact, the game was created to reveal nearly all of his secret techniques, as well as a deep, philosophical, and thought provoking plot to kidnap a small Asian child during a charity basketball game and use him in some vaguely-defined evil scheme to resurrect a long-dead pharaoh. The plot also throws in well developed and thought-out characters such as a fagot Indian prince (who gets hurt with his own swords), a slutty voodoo practitioner (who is actually Shaq's girlfriend), a potato sack wearing Green Goblin ripoff(complete with intimidating "I'll whisper it in your ear after I slap you silly" threat), some random San Francisco docksman who turns out to have a lot of significance in the plot (with more significance to Shaq's rap carrier), a catwoman (who is oh so kawaii!!!!/\./\), some guy wearing a bionic bra, and in a shocking, heart-touching plot twist; the old man who is that Asian boy's grandfather, fights Shaq in a battle that determines his courage and wits! (didn't see that coming!) These characters are not at all out of place and don't feel tacked on in the slightest. is dedicated to destroying every copy of Shaq Fµ by buying the game from anyone who owns it.

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Unfortunately, as the true intent of the game was about as well-explained as it was well-thought-out, only a handful of people actually figured it out, and most of the rest of society became perplexed at its odd story and characters, and it's peculiar fighting mechanics. Very few found the experience of playing the game enjoyable, and eventually all remaining copies of the game still in circulation were bought up and buried in the mexican desert, not far from similar mass graves containing E.T. cartridges, copies of Battlefield Earth (The film, since no one could ever convince that fruity club that the book was just as bad), the missing Florida Ballots, and The Wachowski Brothers' credibility.

Recent Combinations with Mass Media

Recently several buisnesses have embraced the art of Shaq Fu as not only a physical martial art, but a mental and spiritual one as well, and have attempted to incorporate its teachings with their business strategies (much the way smarter people embraced the principles of Go in a similar manner). Generally, the resulting intent is to produce products intended solely to annoy, perplex, and infuriate consumers, presumably to make other products produced by the group look better by comparison, or to inflict brain damage and produce an army of fans who will purchase anything with the person or company's name on it. Invaribaly, the former has proven to be less successful then expected, though the latter has met with some small success.

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