Shaquille O'Neal
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“He a fuckin bitch that fatass! Gimme the rock and I dunk that shit! Kobe cant do shit with his mom sucking his penis and everyone in he NBA STOP FOULING ME CANT U SEE I CANT MAKE FREE-THROWS!!! ”
~ Shaq on Kobe
“I told you: I'm not Shaq, I'm Kazaam: a rappin' genie...with attitude.”
~ Kazaam on not being Shaq
“Shaq would have been fun to get high with in Vietnam.”
~ John Kerry on Shaq
“Free throws are for sissies!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Shaq
“What? I'M the best basketball player in Cleveland, bitch!”
~ Lebron James on Shaq
“Big Deal, I got 6 NBA titles, Scottie pippen knew he couldn't win without me, he was the Kobe Bryant of the Bulls. !”
~ Michael Jordan on Shaq
“So What Kobe? you won ONE N.B.A. title without me, don't get cocky now, the first three you had me on your side. The first three titles were all me! and don't get all high and mighty with me Lebron, if we win a title and beat Kobe in 2010, it sure as hell won't be without me. Just like the Lakers couldn't win without me before. ”
~ Shaq on Kobe and Lebron
“ Ah shut up Jordan, you're a has been now, who cares! the 90's long ended dude, and real classy of you "retiring" twice from the Bulls. ”
~ Shaq on Michael Jordan
“I PITY THE FOOL WHO TALK SMACK ABOUT MY BULLS!”
~ Mr. T on Shaq
Shaquille "I Cant Make A Free-Throw" O'Neal is a world-famous Irish superhero, a professional basketball center for the Kleveland Kavaliers, and the biggest-footed person on Earth. Every civilization known to humankind has some record of Shaq – for example, he is known in the Bible as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (a practice later discarded as confusing).
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[edit] Life
The lovechild of Queen Elizabeth XXXL and Abraham Lincoln, at birth Shaq was cursed by Sauron to serve him as a genie for 3000 years, he used his fiery speeches to gather support for his cause. When he had gathered up armies of freedom-dicks under his command, the evil Gandalf rallied the humans to him (they had long since fallen to his mind controlling talents) and proclaimed that Shaquille O'Neal would die serving him. However, in one of their many armed clashes, Shaq used his superior penis to slam a head-sized ball on Gandalf's head, thus killing him and freeing the people of Middle Earth.
After being freed from service as a genie, Shaq wandered the world for 162 years until finally settling in the Mojave Desert. After 16 years, Shaq came across an Apache hermit, who taught Shaq how to bag hoes. Shaq bagged so many hoes in succession that he had destroyed half of Los Angeles. Vowing to right the wrongs he had done to the lands indigenous people he would go on to fight for them on a team of super heroes in the war game known as basketball. The warriors of Los Angeles called themselves Shaq and the Super Lakers.
[edit] Deaths
Shaq had many assassination attempts on his life after the movie "Kazaam". There was reportedly a death note that was left on his daughter's crib. The note read: That movie was horrible, I give it a 1...out of five. Shaq did not take the note well. He shot himself with a shotgun under the chin. Some Americans claim that he did not commit suicide, but he was murdered. Many of Kurt Cobain Shaqs friends claim that he was not suicidal.
[edit] Le Shrac
In the mid 1620s, Shaq flew to France to play an exhibition game. Due to the heavy French accent, "the Shaq" is known as "Le Shrac" in most of the area. Also, the French claim that Le Shrac is a centaur-type that occasionally lightning bolts several people and rises rocks from the ground. Whenever asked a question, he would merely reply "My old bones ache." The DotA character Leshrac was based off him.
[edit] Hack-a-Shaq
The Hack-a-Shaq is the official Shaq-branded fast food restaurant. He once said that it came to him in a dream, and the Shrek told him "Oh Le Shrac, please make thy Hack-a-Shaq in my honour. For this I will give you 12 menthols." Shaq, known for his terrible breath (able to occasionally breathe fire, as you do) kindly accepted Shrek's offer and thus a kingdom was born, or so we thought.
[edit] Currnet Aspirations
Shaq is currently 300 years old and is playing for the retirement home team, the kleveland kaveleers. his aspirations for the next few years include retirement (please god) soon followed by death from a heart attack due to his obeasity.
--FlameThrougher 04:43, September 12, 2009 (UTC)
[edit] Accomplishments
- Shaq used to play lacrosse, but then realized it was terrible because no video games were made about it.
- Three words: Big. Ass. Feet. But they're not really an accomplishment as much a serious hygiene problem. To hide his embarrassing foot odor problem, the game titled "Shaq's Funk" was censored.
- Shaq invented his own video game called Shaq Fu. With its complex storyline, many playable characters, and shameless self-promotion, Shaq Fu was hailed as the greatest game of 1994 and a must-own for every follower of Shaq. All three of them.
- All I'm going to say is, everyone used to wear really short shorts in the NBA, but they were "coincidentally" lengthened about the same time Shaq entered the NBA. Think about it.
- Still often asks Kobe for the ball, even when they're not playing on the same court.
- Missed 1337 consecutive free throws.
- Makes a free throw about once every three years.
- On April 17, 2002, while playing against the Milwaukee Bucks, O'Neal became the first NBA player ever to give a buttery duck (rubbing one's geutch sweat on another person) to another player during a regulation game.
- Fought the Lizard King in Vietnam and became Lord of the Hamsters of New Guinea.
- Defeated Kyle Whitaker in a 2-on-1 basketball game. Whitaker's partner was Aaron Carter.
- Chucks basketball fans into orbit if they make too much noise.
- One game Shaq broke the backboard when he bricked a free throw and shattered the glass. Obscure announcer Bill Raferty, who was officiating the game, yelled "Send it in, Jerome!". Why he said this, I don't know.
- Was so angered by the new, inexpensive NBA basketball that he burst it with one hand.
- Even if he's cooling down, Shaq's still on fire from moving from the Miami Heat to the Phoenix Suns.
- Every morning, he eats a fresh baby to keep his weight at an even 500 pounds and uses the Shaq-Rack to keep his height of 8’1”.
- He is 7'2" and 330 lbs. although he is taller than Big Show, however Big Show outweighs Shaq. Which is why Shaq called him "Fat Boy"
[edit] Trivia
- He beat the Chinese in ping-pong in 2004 while simultaneously outsmarting Gargamel in order to save the Smurfs, commonly believed to be Communist spies. Immediately after, he took down Tiger Woods in golf. Then, he went back to his cartoon role of being the Terminator.
- Plans are underway to have Shaq made into a national park, with or without his consent.
- His arch-enemy is Yao Ming (and Kobe, when he won't pass the ball).
- Shaq's life was recorded by the influential classical poet Homer Simpson in his masterwork The Shaqiodyssey.
- Was a member of the band T.O.A.S.T.
- Kobe, nigga, tell me how my ass taste.
- Will be starring in the upcoming A-Team movie.
- Starred in the pilot episode of "Tae-Bo: The Next Generation" as the lovable but naïve android.
- Shaq was scheduled to be the mysterious 13th fighter in the original Super Smash Bros., but was taken out at the last second because the developers couldn't figure out how to fit his gigantic feet on-screen.
- Shaq smokes four packs of cigarettes per day. He doesn't think it is funny.
“Moral of this story is: don't lose no $40 million, don't build no damn Shaq-bot, oh yeah, and be a friend...pass the ball...and don't be rapin'...you listening to me, Kobe? ”
~ Shaq on this page
