“Where's my wife!?”
“Did I just use a pregnant woman as a melee weapon?”
“THIS IS FOR MY FRIEND!”
“It looks like those bastards made another murder simulator! DAMMIT!”
“LAUNCH THE MISSILE!”
Shadow the Hedgehog (released July 2, 1996) is just another gimmicky Sonic game, but this time it's fucking intense! Instead of running around with a sword or two other
useless teammates, it looks like you get to shoot things! Some of the game's new introductions to the Sonic franchise include: collecting rings, running fast, and blowing up robots (this time with guns, because guns are badass). The player is also allowed to complete each level in three different ways, by completing roughly similar categories of objectives: "Good", "Bad", or "Sissy Pacifist". It looks like you unlock multiple, unsatisfying endings when you make seemingly random choices that reveal nothing about the source of Shadow's angst and psychopathic tendencies! DAMMIT!
It looks like this game has a story!
Shadow the Hedgehog takes place on July 4th, 2005 and opens up with a CGI cutscene that cleverly misleads the player into thinking that he just booted up some kind of interactive Michael Bay film (at least it's better than Sonic Queeroes, dammit!). Earth (or Mobius or whatever the hell that planet's called) is immediately attacked by Black Hand terrorists trying to assassinate United
States Federation President, Kent Mansley, in order to free their homeworld, Serbslovistan. The leader of the Serbslovistanians, Gavrilo Princip (known as Black Doom to the Austrian Empire), approaches Shadow, and orders him to cure tuberculosis or else he won't advance the plot. At this point, the player is given the choice to destroy Westviennopolis, get to the goal ring as fast as possible, or kill all of the "black creatures" and then destroy Westviennopolis. Either way Shadow recovers the Chaos Emerald, which can magically cure terminal illness. Regardless of which belligerent army Shadow fights for, both sides will continue shooting at him anyway, thus promoting the player to kill everything that moves (because people don't already do that when they're given guns in video games). It looks like former American President, Theodore Roosevelt, is also worked into Shadow the Hedgehog's already convoluted plot, and Shadow is able to side with him as well (or kill him, it's your choice you sick bastard). Eventually, all three of those damn armies attack the Deathegg, or was it the Ark...oh who hell cares anyway! Where was I? Oh yeah... All three armies attack the Deathstar, and Princip's army of black people squash Roosevelt's tin-foil legions and the inept GUNship troopers like helpless insects. Black Princip then uses the Ark's copyright infringement cannon to blow up the white house because he can. Those bastards! Towards the end of the game Shadow can either question the moral ambiguity of his allegiances and save the last remnants of Earthobius's military, or he can blowup the President. I feel so sorry for that bastard. DAMMIT TO HELL! After performing this last act of wanton cruelty, the player is given one of many possible endings based on the choices they've made, yes all six of them.
It looks like there are endings too!
Players willing to beat the Westviennopolis level in excess of a hundred times get a chance to see all of Shadow the Hedgehog's unique endings:
- Shadow kills Teddy Roosevelt with Omega in the background.
- Shadow kills Teddy Roosevelt with Omega and Rouge in the background.
- Shadow kills Teddy Roosevelt with no one in the background.
- Shadow promises Teddy he'll spare him if he does the Macarena. Shadow kills him anyway for thrills, damn!
- Shadow kills the damn President and laughs maniacally while looking up to his right.
- Shadow kills the damn President and laughs maniacally while looking down to his left.
- Sonic convinces Shadow that he is not a gun. Shadow then flies into space so he can intercept a submarine-launched, ballistic missile. Shadow is then seen in the Arctic, reconstructing himself.
- Sonic tries to convince Shadow that he is not a gun, but Shadow kills Sonic with a chaos hadouken instead.
- Shadow kills Diablon, and Sonic, being such a damn bastard and all, commits a QQ.
- Shadow kills Diablon, causing Sonic to die of boredom after being forced to watch such a painfully anti-climactic boss fight from hell. Shadow then realizes that with his only nemesis dead, he has no purpose in life. Shadow spends the next decade battling depression and alcoholism as he struggles to escape the world of turmoil and unhappiness he brought upon himself. After years of soul-searching, Shadow becomes a Christian missionary and moves to Africa where he teaches emaciated villagers how to read and farm. Shadow eventually settles down and marries one of the tribal women. They have three children who all grow up to become diplomats. In the end, Shadow is able to atone for killing President Kent Mansley and contributing to the start of the first world war (this is considered to be the "canon" ending).
I am Shadow Characters! THIS IS WHO I AM!
- Shadow the Hedgehog: Shadow is probably one of the most awesome, poorly balanced characters in the entire Sonic series. If Lucifer raped a saiyan warrior, it would have been a much more fitting origin story than what was actually in the game. Shadow is also the only emo character in the whole franchise (Silver wears eyeliner, but I don't think that counts).
- Sonic the Hedgehog: Loud, fast, and annoying...what else is new. God I hate Jason Griffith. What the hell is this blue bastard doing in games that don't have his name plastered all over them anyway?
- Gavrilo Doom: Gavrilo Princip, voiced by Will Smith, is the sovereign of Serbslovistan and the primary antagonist in Shadow the Hedgehog. Some of Black Princip's motivations for invading Mobiearth include: curing tuberculosis, liberating his homeworld in the Europe Quadrant from United Austrio-Federation Imperial rule, and consolidating large amounts of cyanide that hasn't expired yet. Somehow they made a character with less depth than Shadow. Props SEGA.
- Theodore Roosevelt: Why the hell is the man who blew up the damn Panama Canal in this game too? It looks like he just wanted to start a war so he could secure a second term, just like every other American president. I wish I knew why those damn buffalo trust that fat bastard.
- Miles "Fails" Prower: For someone who can build a lot of technical shit, this bastard's pretty damn stupid. Fails' crowning moment of idiocy was when he blabbed the location of the secret G.U.N. base to Shadow, because Shadow told him "I just want to say I'm sorry for destroying Westviennopolis". What the hell! At least he had that cool buster cannon in MegaSonic: Battle Networks.
- Amy Rose: It looks like Amy's continued appearances in Sonic games are just so Sonic Team can raise awareness of the potential, devastating outcomes of female-on-male abusive relationships. I mean, come on, she's a freaking stalker.
- Espio the Mutant: What the hell is this guy supposed to be anyway!? At least the other damn characters are named after what they're anthropomorphic versions of! What, is he like some kind of magenta rhinoceros? I hate Team Chaotix more than I hate that Jason Griffith bastard.
- Pothead the Porcupine: Unfortunately, Pothead only has a cameo role in Shadow the Hedgehog. Pothead goes back in time, and demands that Shadow tell him what year it is and where he can find the Iblis Trigger. Shadow then tells him that he's in the wrong game, and that he should just kill himself.
SilPothead refuses to leave, so Shadow tells him that Ronald Emmerich has just made another movie. Pothead immediately runs away, screaming.
Literally everyone else dies at the end, it's like this game was some giant middle finger to the sonic fanbase. No wonder it's so fucking awesome.
I feel so sorry for those gameplay mechanics!
Shadow the Hedgehog incorporates many elements "borrowed" from other third-person shooter games. Sonic Team also spent many hours tirelessly perfecting the game's engine, because SEGA only accepts the best of the best. In Shadow the Hedgehog, players can equip an entire arsenal of machine guns and melee weapons to aid in Shadow's brutal genocide of mankind. At the end of each level, the player is given a rank based on his mass-killing efficiency. The player can get either a Z,J,D,C,B,A-,A,AA,A+,A++,S, or SS letter-grade on their performance (note: the SS rank is only achieved when the player kills at least 12,000,000 enemies). Shadow can also use his "emo" powers to (to put it lightly) fuck shit up. When you bastards fill up the self-pity bar at the top of the screen by killing things, Shadow can perform a chaos angst maneuver. Shadow will shoot explosions in all directions while yelling: "Death to all who oppose me!", "Hail victory!", "None of you bastards understand me!", or "I'll run away if you don't start taking me seriously, dammit!".
Anti-Piracy Countermeasures! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Sonic Team is infamous around the internet for designing creative and ridiculously effective anti-piracy mechanisms, Shadow the Hedgehog is no different. For instance, if a user is caught running a torrented copy of the PC version of Shadow the Hedgehog, the game will permanently install a full copy of Sonic '06 on their hard-drive. To date, there hasn't been a single report of anyone pirating Shadow the Hedgehog, at all. Ubisoft could really learn from these guys, even though it's not like people are lining up to download Assasses Creed: Failurehood anyway.
I feel so sorry for those limited editions!
People who purchased the "limited edition" version of Shadow the Hedgehog receive the following items with their game:
- STH-96 Assualt Rifle: The STH-96 Assualt Rifle fires 50 caliber tungsten-penetrator rounds, capable destroying mid-size war mechs in 4 shots. Incidentally, it's designed to fire in 8 round bursts. Great for laser-tag (it comes with a red-dot sight).
(note: the STH-96 only ships with copies sold in: Alabama, Texas, Colorado, Mississippi, Florida, Arizona, and Tennessee)
- Chainsaw-Machete: Chainsaws are loud, and machetes aren't gory enough. Luckily, SEGA solved this problem by combining the two. The chainsaw-machete that ships with limited edition copies of Shadow the Hedgehog is a fully functional replica of the melee weapon used in game. It can also be attached to the STH-96 for use as a bayonet.
I feel so sorry for the bastards who make you mad! - Engraved into the blade of the chainsaw-machete.
- "Commit Atrocities with Me" Shadow doll: The "Commit Atrocities with Me" Shadow doll is a stuffed, (mostly) harmless version of everybody's favorite emotionless killing-machine. It looks like it looks just like Shadow! Your bastard children will enjoy playing with it for hours, DAMMIT!
- Shadow the Hedgehog brand nail-bombs: The Shadow the Hedgehog brand nail bombs are one of the more popular items that come with limited edition copies. Some people argue that the Shadow the Hedgehog brand nail-bomb isn't that different from the conventional nail-bomb, and that they're just slices PVC piping stuffed with fertilizer and crude flechettes. However, unlike most nail-bombs, Shadow the Hedgehog brand nail-bombs make the SEGA sound when they detonate.
Due to the overwhelming popularity of both Shadow's game and character, SEGA and 4kids demanded that Sonic Team include him in every other video game that they make. Sonic Team eventually had to change their name to Shadow Team. It looks like every game and movie in which Shadow was the main character is listed below!
- Shadow Adventures: In the first Shadow Adventures game, Shadow has to unlock the secrets of the chaos emeralds and the power of friendship. Knuckles the Echidna was originally going to be the star until he was tragically killed after he fell in front of a passing train. Shadow adamantly denied any involvement.
- Shadow Adventures 2 - Bloodlust: The main character of this game would have been Blaze the Cat, however she was mysteriously killed in a skydiving accident two weeks after production started. At first, authorities suspected that Shadow may have had something to do with it, but he, again, denied any accountability by claiming that he "was in a crowded movie theater full of witnesses at the time". I feel so sorry for her. By the way, is anyone else noticing a pattern here?
- Shadow Adventures 3 - Xenocide: SEGA announced this title at E3, back in 2004. Apparently, Sonic and Fails would have been the only two playable characters. Three months later, Fails' dismembered corpse was found in a shallow grave just outside Wichita, Kansas. Sonic was later arrested for the crime when detectives found some of Fails' body parts in his garage. Sonic was then given capitol punishment. Shadow, being the only surviving cast member, was given the lead role. Wow, that bastard sure is lucky!
- Shadow the Hedgehog - First Blood: In First Blood, Shadow, who is apparently a G.U.N. agent now, would have been fighting communist rebels in El Mexicoland (a fictional, Latin-American country in the Sonic universe). Rather than having them fight G.U.N. soldiers, Theodore Roosevelt (who was leading them), instructed them to cripple the United Federation economy by stealing all of their jobs. What a bastard! Production stopped when Shadow went back in time, and killed off the entire development team.
- Streets of Hedgehog: Streets of Hedgehog was a side-scrolling, fighting game developed by Shadow Team in the early 2000's. Streets of Hedgehog didn't have a plot, but the aim of the game was to beat up and murder as many street thugs as possible. Critics panned Streets of Hedgehog for its linear and one-sided gameplay. They also pointed out how the damn gangsters only had rocks and sharpened sticks, while Shadow could carry 20 times his own weight in munitions.
- Streets of Hedgehog 2 - The Redeadening: Streets of Hedgehog 2 is simply a re-release of the previous Streets of Hedgehog, but with more levels, higher resolution graphics, and vertical-scrolling mechanics.
- Shadow the Hedgehog - The Movie: The first Shadow the Hedgehog movie is a film adaptation of the long-running comic series ShadowX. In the movie, Shadow has to stop Teddy Roosevelt from stealing the master emerald and building an amusement park on public property. Shadow receives assistance from the United Federations National Park Service and uses the weapons they gave him to storm the
DeathstarDeathegg. Shadow then kills Teddy with a karate chop to the back of his face.
- Shadow the Hedgehog 2 - Judgement Day: In Judgement Day, Teddy Roosevelt's supercomputer AI, NICOLE, suddenly decides it hates humanity and Shadow. It creates a killer cyborg out of melty-chromium, a metallic alloy Teddy created shortly before Shadow killed him, and orders it to kill
John ConnorShadow the Hedgehog. It looks like Shadow was able to defeat it with his chaos molten steel attack.
- Shadow the Hedgehog 3 - Rise of the Badniks: Shadow the Hedgehog 3 is the penultimate chapter in the Shadow the Hedgehog film trilogy.
SkynetNICOLE creates another melty-chromium cyborg in a second attempt to kill Shadow. Shadow obviously destroys the second robot because Shadow is Shadow. Then, in a plot twist, that bastard computer blows up the world with hydrogen bombs anyway.
We still have to have those controversies
Most people disliked Shadow the Hedgehog's gratuitous use of extreme violence as a plot device. It looks like soccer-moms and republicans are afraid of things that don't actually exist, there's a surprise. Fortunately, republicans backed off when they learned that Shadow is an avid supporter of small government and the second amendment. The ESRB even had to create the This Game has Shadow in It rating just so they wouldn't have to be around it anymore. Shadow Team was eventually sued multiple times for wrongful death, when 8 members of the ESRB committed suicide after beating the level where Shadow has to destroy an orphanage. Courts ruled in favor of the plaintiffs, and SEGA had to pay up to 200 million rings for punitive damages. Shadow Team promised that they would "tone down the violence" in future Shadow games.
Critical reception! Damn! Not here!
Like most other Sonic games, Shadow the Hedgehog either received critical acclaim, or a bunch of assholes on the internet shot it right out of the damn sky. It looks like the power of friendship couldn't even save a damn Sonic game. I guess everyone's still mad about the first Sonic Adventure. *sigh* Here's what some damn bloggers had to say about Shadow the Fucking Hedgehog:
- 5.5/10 What do you mean it's not about Sonic!?
- -8/10 Guns and swear words scare me! Mommy, make it stop!
- 96/230 What the hell! It looks like I homing attacked right off the cliff!
- 15/10 I feel so sorry for those
negroesI mean black creaturesno wait African-Americans.
- 6.9/10 It's no Call of Duty, but...
- 0/0 GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF BULLSHIT!!!
- 1933/1945 SHADOW ICH DIE MACHT!!!
Hail Hitler Game Reviews
- 8.3/10 Shadow teach stupid American man what we think
Peopre's Repubric China Newspaper
- M/11 OMG Shadow is so hawt!11!! chcek out my yaoi!1!1!!
It looks like there are references! DAMMIT!
- ↑ I feel so sorry for those bastards
- ↑ Goddamn space commies!
- ↑ I bet you thought it was just the guns...
- ↑ I started taking Shadow seriously when he murdered my family
- ↑ I guess no one's willing to take the chance
- ↑ It looks like that's their flagship title, too
- ↑ There's no kill like overkill
- ↑ for the good of humanity
- ↑ I guess it depends on your sexual preferences...