Shadow the Hedgehog

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Shadow the Hedgehog
AShadow1
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Chordata
Class Mammalia
Order Hedgehog
Family Sonic the Hedgehog
Genus Shadow
Species Alien Hedgehog
Binomial name
Faker, Rapist
Specifications
Primary armament Chaos Emeralds
Secondary armament Guns
Power supply Badassery
Strength Stronger than me
Intelligence 150
Weight 33kg
Special attack Chaos Control
Conservation status
UFO
“If someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, it was probably him.”
“Always look both ways before jumping a chick in an alley.”
~ Shadow the Hedgehog

Shadow the Hedgehog is a character from the Sonic the Hedgehog series. He is Sonic's emotastic, criminally inclined, psychopathic double. He is often confused for Sonic, despite the fact that he's black with red stripes, has a small white squirrel attached to his chest, has red eyes, uses guns, drives a motorcycle and probably shoots up black tar. He would also prefer his nickname to be 'The Ultimate Lifeform', but Sonic has quickly estabilished it as being 'Faker' or 'Asshole'. This constant confusion with Sonic the Hedgehog could go some way to explaining why he's so goddamn angry all the time, or it could just be the black tar.

Shadow the Hedgehog had his first video game appearance in 2001, in the video game Sonic Adventure 2. Some hated him. Some loved him. But on average, everybody agreed that black and red is the universally established warpaint of He Who Is Not to Be Fucked With. He proved so badass, in fact, that in 2005 he even got his own video game, Shadow the Hedgehog, known to some as Grand Theft Sonic.

This year alone Shadow the Hedgehog has cost Sonic Team $5.98 billion in property damages.

edit Abilities

Shadow-21

Chaos Glare!

Shadow has many, many abilities. He is immortal and practically invulnerable; he has in fact fallen through the Earth's atmosphere at least once. His incredible durability and stamina also makes it almost impossible for him to get drunk or stoned, which could explain why he's such a miserable emo bastard all the time. And after extensive testing, he has turned out to be immune to all known viruses and STDs.

However, Chaos Control is his most well-known ability, giving him the ability to teleport to any place on the planet. Shadow can also perform Chaos Blast, and then there's Chaos Spear.

He also has a collection of other abilities, which include other attacks preceded by the verb 'Chaos', riding motorcycles, weapon expertise and constantly glaring at people without ever getting a headache. All of these abilities are fuelled by his ridiculous level of bling - the Inhibitor Rings on his wrists and ankles, and the Chaos Emerald he often pulls from nowhere. All this goes to show that as well as being a sex offender, Shadow also has aspirations to becoming a pimp.

It was once believed that by getting all seven Chaos Emeralds together, Shadow would become Super Shadow, a godlike being who could rape every single person on the planet, all at once. However this has been proven inaccurate multiple times, and it turns out that Super Shadow is considerably less of a jerk than regular Shadow.

Shadow's hobbies to date seem to include committing felonies for absolutely no reason, and looking for that damn fourth Chaos Emerald.

edit Background

Riders-Shadow-shadow-the-hedgehog-6831113-374-500

And he also participates in many popular sporting events.

edit Early Life

Shadow the Hedgehog was born 70 years ago in Brooklyn under the name of 'Ursula Leslie Robotnik'. His father was Professor Gerald Robotnik, his older sister was the ever sickly Maria Robotnik and his cousin was the young Ivo Robotnik. Nobody's quite sure who his mother was but most assume it was some kind of hedgehog hooker, since tragically Maria was born with AIDS or something. When he was just eight years old, Social Services came along to pick him and his sister up and protect them from his crazed scientist of a father who was so insane as to be searching for a cure to the ten-year-old Maria's deadly illness, but they accidentally knocked Maria down in the street instead. As Gerald was dragged away by the cops, Shadow held Maria in his arms as she died, and she made him promise that he would make people happy whether they liked it or not. This tragedy fuelled a life-long resentment towards The Man.

This proved to be a massive problem for The Man, since Shadow is immortal, ageless and pretty much indestructible.

Professor Gerald Robotnik met with an unfortunate accident in prison, and Shadow was then passed through a series of foster homes, none of which could handle his abilities to teleport, blow things up, run at the speed of sound, and make most women have orgasms at the mere sight of him. Eventually he was sent to the McDonalds, who managed to overcome these problems by sexually abusing him in their torture basement for three years. He escaped them at the age of 15, by murdering them and burning their bodies. Then he apparently disappeared off the face of the earth.

edit Middle Life

However, evidence of Shadow's continued existance in his criminal activities was starting to show up on a regular basis. Thanks to his ability to teleport, and the way he will never age and always look between 15-25, and thus can gain sexual experience without getting wrinkles, he started to tour the world in search of T&A to make people happy, as how he percieved Maria's final wishes. This certainly made him happy.

At first he began by hanging out at cheap dives, picking up women, buying them a couple of beers and walking them home, but shortly found that this proved no challenge for him as they would usually invite him in for 'coffee' anyway. He made many attempts to fornicate with these women until they would admit to him that they had been raped but since he was highly inexperienced at rape during this point in his life, this resulted in the tragic deaths of several women who turned out to be prostitutes. Even spiking their drinks beforehand didn't always count as rape in the eyes of the local authorities, which proved immensely infurating to both Shadow and his early victims.

"The black leather duster he wore was torn and stank most foully; it must have gone unwashed for what could have been months. His shoes and all up his legs were covered in mud. Blood and semen plastered his body, since the closest he ever came to cleaning himself was by going on walks in the rain. The stench of sweat - both his and his victims' - emanated from him like a dark aura. and the filth showed up most on the tuft of white fur on his chest. His quills were matted with grease and more dreadful stains of hedonism. And he smelt like a truck-stop toilet. No woman in her right mind would consent to having sex with him."
Princess Peach regarding Shadow the Hedgehog, quoted after attending his first trial.

In the 1970s, Shadow tried changing his modus operandi completely to lurking in alleyways in the bad end of Mobotropolis and jumping out at lone women with a shiv in his hand. As a result, he sharply upped his Rape-Consensual Sex ratio. This improved even more when he started wearing a trenchcoat and stopped washing both before and after sex. According to some of his victims he prefers a 'slow and steady' approach and has become highly skilled at bringing women to orgasm whether they like it or not.

Afterwards, he would use his amazing Chaos-fuelled abilities and a Chaos Emerald to teleport far away and start the cycle all over again. Shadow is now suspected of successfully raping between 2000 and 3000 women over the duration of 25 years.

Eventually he was arrested when he teleported into the path of an oncoming vehicle - ironically, a police car. His Chaos Emerald was confiscated and he was convicted of 19 rapes and 11 murders after a long and highly publicised trial.

edit Prison Time

Up until working for Sega, Shadow the Hedgehog spent considerable time in prison for various sex offences. He repeatedly broke out of prison in order to go on raping sprees; one of these is what originally gained Sega's attention. At this time Sonic was under investigation for some sexual misconduct and by employing Shadow as his darker foil, Sonic Team made Sonic's busy hands look like high-fiving a Teletubby.

They paid off the cops and Sonic's Wacky Molestation Adventure 2 was made. When Sonic suspected Shadow might be cooler than him, he dropped him through the atmosphere, where he was picked up by Eggman and locked up again, which really pissed him off. So with the help of Chunkie, he broke out and went on another molesting spree in order to discover his true purpose. Shortly after this, he was locked up again.

Shadow fashioned a shotgun out of his bedposts and shells out of matches and lead filings, and despite being in a prison full of guards with real, actual guns, managed to break out just in time to be hired by Sonic Team to be the main character in Grand Theft Sonic, which annoyed Sonic as he had been hoping for the part. After he had savagely raped and murdered a huge alien monster, he was arrested again on about 200,000 counts of murder and another seven counts of rape.

edit Even More Recently

By the time of The Molestation of Sonic the Hedgehog, 2006 (usually shortened to Sonic 06), Sonic Team was sick of forking out millions in their settlements to women accusing Shadow of rape. The final straw was when Princess Elise publicly molested Sonic the Hedgehog in a most disgusting act of bestiality. Although Shadow insisted he had nothing to do with this and found it just as disgusting as everybody else, his reputation was besmirched by her claim that he had told her to do it. While Princess Elise was shot by an angry mob, her body burned and her ashes scattered to the four winds, Shadow was considered considerably more appealing to the fans. His life was spared and he was taken into custody again. Once again Sonic Team refused to put up bail, and he had to break himself out of prison with some help from Chunkie.

Whenever Shadow can't get the money for bail or pay for a decent lawyer, he now breaks out of prison in order to participate in sporting events, compete in fancy dress competitions, and indulge in more murder and raping sprees. In his latest PR Statement, he has voiced a loud determination to rape Amy Rose Blossom in retaliation for the many times she has been in the same room as him.

Shadow still breaks out of prison on a regular basis, even between games. Whenever he comes into the public eye, more women accuse him of raping them.

Astonishingly, he's not always found guilty.

Although he usually is.

edit Relationships with other characters

Lolsonic

The consequences of spending any time at all with Shadow.

edit Sonic the Hedgehog

Shadow the Hedgehog is often considered to be the main rival of Sonic the Hedgehog. This could have to do with their apparently equal speed and strength, or it may have to do with how Sonic constantly challenges Shadow to Poker tournaments and Shadow is forced to forfeit the game thanks to being in prison.

Many fans believe Sonic and Shadow are deeply in love. This is obviously based on how whenever Sonic is arrested on property damage, theft or drugs-related charges - which happens more often than you may think - they spend considerable time as cellmates. But this is a total fabrication; while Sonic and Shadow sometimes work together in the games, whenever they have to spend 23 hours in a cell together, they spend all their time trying to kill each other. Shadow displays great resentment for the way that Sonic Team won't come up with bail for him but still does so for Sonic.

Shadow has never shown any particular interest in raping Sonic, his most common statement on the matter being, "I don't swing that way." However, this does not stop him from trying to kill Sonic, proving that it is in fact possible for him to want to kill somebody without raping them first.

On the other hand, Sonic doesn't seem that concerned as to how he's spending an awful lot of time hanging around with a convicted sex offender.

edit Amy Rose Blossom

Amy Rose first met Shadow on Prison Island, and is the only person to have successfully sexually molested him multiple times before he has managed to molest her. Even now she often confuses Shadow for Sonic. She needs to get her eyes checked. Their next encounter was on the Ark, where she once again molested him. Ever since then, Shadow has vowed to rape her whether she likes it or not.

While he was serving some more time in Prison Island, Shadow spent considerable time under the care of Amy Rose, who was visiting him in a display of rebellion against her parents and to try and make Sonic jealous. He promptly developed Florence Nightingale Syndrome, which has only worsened since she performed a life-saving operation on him during a prison riot with a knife and fork.

After another breakout, Amy ran into Shadow while taking care of a robot baby, mistook him for Sonic, and gave him a very quick molestation, which has, unsurprisingly, increased his determination.

In a more recent event of reckless property damage and first-degree-murder, Shadow helped Amy escape through a Ghost Castle belonging to Doctor Eggman, and to find her friend Cream, even though Cream isn't all that attractive yet, apparently for the sole pleasure of having her stare at his ass all night. She then assisted him in a battle against Doctor Eggman's worst-built robot ever, the Egg Dealer. He got teleported away before he could rape her, though.

“What the hell is Sonic Team thinking? I'm supposed to be the one commiting Class-B felonies, not her! She's making me look inferior!”
~ Shadow the Hedgehog
Rouge!!

And you can see why.

edit Chunkie

Also known as Rouge the Bat. Shadow first met her when breaking out of Prison Island, and made a fair attempt to molest her. It failed. Later, he saved her life from the entire island blowing up, and tried to molest her again, this time making a more serious attempt. Once again he failed. She is one of the few women Shadow has not raped. This is not because Shadow posesses any kind of respect for women, nor for any lack of him trying, but because she posesses absolutely no respect for herself. She likes having sex with him far too much for him to be able to rape her.

Chunkie has repeatedly come up with Shadow's bail-money and has occasionally helped him to break out of prison. Consequently Shadow spends a lot of time at her brothel, Club Rouge. There he spends his time hiding out from the cops and presumably failing to rape her, although nobody has the slightest doubt that he's still trying.

“I keep putting up bail-money, and he keeps staying the night. Now who's the whore?”
~ Chunkie

edit Silver the Hedgehog

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Shadow The Hedgehog.

Shadow has threatened to rape Silver on multiple occasions. Silver really should try to take this less personally.

Some people think Silver is Shadow's son from the future. Some think he isn't. Everybody else doesn't care. This could be related to how the telekinetic Silver has a massive bush of hair on his chest, or it may have more to do with how he is currently the defendant in 287 sexual harrassment lawsuits.

edit Trivia

  • The theme song of Shadow the Hedgehog, "I Am All Of Me" is a metaphor for the struggle against a heroin addiction.
Shadow-21 Sonic the Hedgehog characters
Sonic the Hedgehog - Shadow the Hedgehog - Tails the Straight
Why?:Does Everyone Hate Sonic the Hedgehog
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