Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (film)

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Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band is a 1977 film, the contents of which are harmful and should not be viewed, smelled, swallowed, or listened to in any way, shape or form. The film stars the Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, and a lot of people who choose to deny involvement in the project. It is the last known attempt of Lucifer to bring about Armageddon. And it would have succeeded, if it weren’t for those meddling kids. And their little dog Toto, too.


Preproduction

In the year 1977, the Bee Gees (who were not actually Bee Gees, but Australians), were at the height of their power. They had amassed wealth and fame far beyond the abilities of their talent. By combining the arcane ancient religion of the Bee Gees with elements of the Disco political movement, the Bee Gees held influence over a large swath of the global population. By 1977, they realized they had only one thing left to accomplish: to become bigger than Jesus and the Greatest Oasis Tribute Band Of All Time (GOTBOAT). Only then could they achieve total control of Earth society.

Realizing they could not do it alone, the Bee Gees enlisted the help of the Beast, who sent his son incarnate, Peter Frampton, to help them in their quest for power. Beelzebub realized that by combining forces with the Bee Gees, he could finally bring about the destruction of the world he had been working on for the past few thousand years.

With their forces combined, the Bee Gees and Frampton set about acquiring the rights to the songs of the GOTBOAT. This was made infinitely easier because Old Scratch had succeeded in swindling the rights to the songs away from GOTBOAT several years earlier. With the rights acquired, a script was put into place.

The script revealed to the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton their greatest weakness: while they may be good at borrowing/stealing from others, they pretty much sucked at coming up with anything original. Their script smelled more rotten than a ginko tree in April. They also realized that they would need forces of immense talent in order for their plan to work. But how would they get that talent on board with the project? Anyone of sound mind would look at the script and leave the room laughing, crying, and/or projectile vomiting. The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton then resorted to trickery, deception, manipulation, and opportunism to bring talent into the fold: in other words, they started contacting talent agents.


Plot Synopsis

No one is really sure what the movie is about. Only 10 people ever saw the film from start to finish, and all of them entered a permanent catatonic state immediately afterwards. (The last survivor was mercifully put down in 2005.) Even reading the final script causes severe nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, convulsions, and bedwetting, if the reader is lucky enough to survive. From what little is known, it is suspected that the plot has something to do with magical instruments, political corruption, promiscuous sex and drugs, mind control, and the overthrow of the Republican Party.


Critcal Reception

Reaction to the film was swift and merciless. Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times wrote, “finally, no one will ever come up to me again and say that I wrote the worst movie ever made. Thank you God.” Gene Schalt of Newsweek said, “I guess it was OK, but I missed half the movie because of a long line at the concession stand.” Janet Maslin of the New York Times was a bit more judgmental: “What the f%&^ is this stupid-a%@ s&#*?” Most everyone else didn’t even bother with it, and these critics sent the unused paper to Bangladesh, which solved that country's 1978 toilet paper crisis.


Box Office

The film grossed $50.00 (US) at the box office.


Cultural Legacy

Ha! A-ha ha! Ha-ha-ha ha ha-hh-ha! Oh boy, cultural legacy, that's funny.


Aftermath

The film's high production costs and low receipts financially ruined the Bee Gees. Within a year of the film's release, they were relegated to insignifigance. People generally regarded them as "silly," and their records began showing up in the bargain bins of discount department stores across the U.S. Peter Frampton suffered a fate worse than death. A scene in the film depicts Frampton as being overwhelmed by Steven Tyler, the sickly and somewhat androgynous lead singer of Aerosmith. Immediately after Frampton's defeat, the 22-year-old daughter of the second unit director overpowers and kills Tyler, completing the humiliation of Frampton. In shame, Frampton was forced to retreat from the public eye. Disgraced, his King of the Underworld father sentenced him to an eternity of performances at suburban summer festivals, completely extinguishing Frampton's power and influence on the Nine Planes of Hell. In 1979, The Catholic Church formed a taskforce of warrior-bishops who tracked down and destroyed film prints, scripts, and other physical relics of the film. The last few remaining copies are believed to lie deep in the catacombs beneath The Vatican, right next to Jesus' mummy. This rumor is continuously denied by the Pope.

And Satan? He lurks in the shadows, waiting for his next opportunity to create a Disco Inferno on Earth.


Cast

When finishing the script, it is alleged that Peter Frampton said, "no person in their right mind would agree to appear in this film!" So the casting director set about selecting people who weren't in their right mind, and using other means of deception to get people to appear in the film. Below is a list of the principle cast, and the methods used to get them in film.

  • The Bee Gees (The Band) - appeared in the film because it was sorta kinda their idea.
  • Peter Frampton (Billy Shears) - cast as part of the Bee Gees' pact with the Devil.
  • George Burns (Mr. Kite) - 187 years old at the time; therefore not of sound mind when reading the script. {1}
  • Steve Martin (Maxwell Edison) - a wild and crazy guy, therefore not of sound mind when reading the script.
  • Aerosmith (Future Villan Band) - all members of Aerosmith were high between the years 1977 and 1985, therefore not of sound mind when reading the script.
  • Alice Cooper (Sun King) - come on, he's got a girl's name. You KNOW something's not right upstairs.
  • Billy Preston (Sgt. Pepper) - tricked into thinking his friends from the GOTBOAT, whom he hadn't seen in 8 years, would be in the movie.
  • Ernst Blofeld (B.D.) - out of work, and Halloween sequels were not yet providing a steady source of income.
  • Earth, Wind and Fire (themselves) - from another planet and therefore not familar with our strange Earthly ways.
  • Tina Turner (guest) - drugged and tricked on to the set.
  • Hank Williams, Jr. (guest) - was told there were drugs and tricked on to the set.

Footnotes

{1} At the time of production, it was not yet known that Burns was the currently reigning God. It is possible that Burns used his powers to derail the production and thwart the plans of the Angel of Darkness.

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