From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is very sexy. If you are a pervert, you will love this article.|
|You should exit this page immediately!!!|
Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd desires are
Sexy is a yoghurt meaning that you have sex appeal or are attractive to the opposite sex. Of course if somebody said this applies to you, we all know this is a lie, as you fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down when you were a baby. Geez, even the phrase “A face only a mother could love” didn’t apply here. Anyway, back to sexy. Josh Rowland Is the sexiest.
Examples of things that are sexy
Now this poses a problem. To me my mom is not sexy (Unless you're from the South, in which case the whole mom = sex read this article and learn these secrets, here's how to sexy.wookies! And wookies are just not sexy unless you like the hairy, smelly and strong-but-silent type...
So alluring is the microwave and its sexy grip. You can look at it from a distance, gazing at its warm, sexy rays, but get too close and you’ll develop brain cancer. Such a tease... Let’s face it, microwaves are the new vibrators.
Jean-Paul Du Sentier
Jean-Paul Du Sentier was the first man to use the word "Sexy". He used it when he saw himself in a mirror, and thought to himself: "I need to find a new word to describe how I look..."
First, he thought up douchebag.
And then, he came up with "sexy", but how he found that word still remains a mystery...
How to be sexy
There is no hope for you. You are doomed to a solitary existence looking at the inside of a cold paper bag that reflects the cold, cruel outside world that shunned you long ago. Maybe next time little fella... But for those of you that are not you, you may have a chance for the opposite sex to indeed coin you as "sexy"!
Nothing says sexy as hell on a first date better than the occasional finger sniff. Scratching your ass and then sniffing your fingers is an even bigger turn on to most women and scientists view this practice as an aphrodisiac. Scratching someone else’s ass and then sniffing your fingers is a big social taboo, so refrain from doing so until at least the third date or marriage.
Long loving stares
Nothing says "I’m sexy" like long, loving stares. Yes, the opposite will be unable to move from your gaze (Either because of love, or the fact they think you’re a raving lunatic and are about to rape them...), and will coin you “sexy”. Growl! Don’t blink, just stare.
Spray on pheromones
Ah yes, the smell of love is in the air, and you, you sexy beast, are its cause. Literally! All you need is a can of spray-on female pheromone, and hey! Presto! Girls will be flocking to you like flies to shit, erm, decaying meat, erm flowers... Yes flies to flowers! Spray-on pheromones are sold from all leading sex shops, but if you’re really really desperate for a date, you can always substitute for a can of spray-on raccoon pheromone from all leading hunting stores.
Just be happy. Being optimistic is very sexy. *Editor - Retard, this is meant to be a sarcastic view on how to be sexy not an actual help guide! Godammit, you've just ruined everything! Cries...*
- Your mom - No suprise! Damn, look at her!
- George W. Bush - Voted #1 sexiest man in Time magazine
- Kermit the Frog - I feel like frog legs now!
- Mr. Raccoon - You filthy, filthy bastard...
- Carmen Electra - That's a given.
- Unidentified man in green firing turret - Voted #2 by Time.
- The Admins - How could they not be cool and sexy!
- King Kong - Those man boobs! Grrr...
- Adolf Hitler - Just look at those legs!
- Hillary Clinton - See the YouTube video
- Hobos - Y'all nev'r guess why!
We all know them, either by saying them or receiving them. Yes, you know I’m talking about sexy nothings which turn on the opposite sex, or whoever you’re trying to woo (Step away from the raccoon you sick pervert!!). Here are just a few to get those juices flowing and the girls pining for your 3 wood...
- "I love thou rainbow animule. Let's go have a racoon."
- ”Let's play army - I lay down and you blow the hell outa me.”
- ”I hear you like CSI; would you like to sample my DNA?”
- ”Squeal reek awrk squeek grrrl...” Translated as “None of my other raccoon lovers have ever gone unsatisfied...”
- ”I think you smell really nice.”
- ”It’s so tiresome being so sexy. You know I honestly have to breathe sexily, eat sexily even sleep sexily! It really is a curse sometimes...”
- ”Why do people continually ask me if I’m happy to see them?”
- "I'm a furry, and I was wondering..."
- "Get over here you sexy beast of an anal grape."
- "Yuum I bet your banana's tasty!"
- "I put the STD in Stud, now all I need is U!"
You can always find sexy people by the hundreds at replacement foam marketplaces. Just go to the replacement foam marketplace in your area and start stalkin'!
Why God made woman sexy
Sexual attraction ensures that the human race will continue and not die out. The human race are in fact, parasites. They start in one place, breed (due to being sexy) use up resources and move somewhere new to do the same.