Sexually transmitted diseases
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“gotta catch 'em all”
Sexually transmitted diseases are diseases which are specifically contracted from the act of fucking. As every schoolboy knows, they can also be picked up from toilet seats, hairbrushes, and McDonalds. Some of these diseases are fairly minor, causing a mild rash, penis tilt, or a foul stench, but some can be fatal, such as crabs. HPV is one of the hippest STD's around. This disease actually began in the cervix of a midwestern girl who thought she was an anime character, instead she was just a whore.
Sexual health care is now taught in schools and colleges to ensure that there is a great awareness of the risks of having unprotected sex. Protection such as condoms, umbrellas, and steel body armor, should be used when possible.
List of sexually transmitted diseases
- Rabies This is very common and can be picked up from saunas, nightclubs, animal bites, and your mom. Luckily it only causes a mild stammer, and is hardly noticeable.
- Herpes This illness is transmitted by computer as a virus. It is caught whilst cybering on dalnet with a 48 year old man from Nova Scotia, who claims to be Cindy, 19, from LA. [See: Textually Transmitted diseases] Do NOT accept a download of his 'pic'. Herpes causes a rash that covers the pen0r, it is small and very unsightly, and so is the rash.
- AIPS This condition can be fatal and is a worldwide health risk. It is caught through unprotected monkey sex. Always use a condom or ape suit.
- Crabs Crabs are a sea creature that can infest the pubic hair of men and women, their claws are extremely sharp, and nipping the minge can cause excessive blood loss. Crabs can be fatal, never take a seafood or crustacean infestation lightly.
- Thrush Also known as a vaginal yeast infection. When a bird gets jammed in the vagina it creates a frothing cheese, stinking gunge effect. You catch it from your wife or your mom. Its disgusting.
- Syphilis Caught from old people, this disease can only affect the over 60's. It is rampant through pensioners clubs, and old soldiers societies. You only know one person with it - your grandma. She's infested.
- Vegetarianism Caught from skanky students, the main symptom is an unnatural eating disorder that can prevent people from having a healthy balanced diet.
- Children Caught from women aged 18-56, these parasites are very hard to eliminate, often requiring food and healthcare for eighteen years. They also come with the side effect of Baby Mama syndrome, which can cause loss of vision and paralysis.
- "The Disease".
- Lahargery In females causes uterus to rot and fall out, usually at most inopportune times. No known symptoms in males. Excelent way to get back at female exes.
- Gon-o-ka-ka-khackus Can be caught from a toilet seat, it jumps right up and grabs your meat. Makes your balls feel like a pair of maracas. Symtoms include hurt when you pee.
Treatments for the diseases
- Rabies - two aspirin will clear it up in an hour.
- Herpes - use Norton, AVG, or other reputable virusware. These don't actually work, they just distract you from the agonizing pain you endure while Herpes is leaving your system. Not recommended for Cyclops under the age of 89.
- AIPS - there is no known cure, prevention is vital.
- Crabs - tempt them out with a prawn salad.
- Thrush - scatter breadcrumbs around the vulva, alternatively make a loaf with the discharge.
- Syphilis - keep well away from the elderly, but thats convenient, because they smell anyway.
- Vegetarianism - Bacon Sandwich
- Children - Federal law allows children under eighteen years of age to work in coal mines.
- Lahargery - Find a friend to distract the crowd while you stuff it back in until a time when it can be removed with care. Rotted uterus is considered a delicacy by certain connoisseurs and the English. Goes great with fried placenta.
- Gon-o-ka-ka-khackus - Go to the doctor, and he'll stick a needle in you. But you don't want it.
Diseases that no longer exist
- Nob-drop - This illness caused the penis to drop off shortly after contact with a hooker, it has now been wiped out thanks to research by the Red Cross.
- Winkles - This dreadful condition caused a woman's vahini to swell until it popped, while a small percentage enjoyed the sensation, it left most women unable to enjoy bingo and gossiping to the same degree. It is now vaccinated against routinely.