Sexual physics

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{{Wilde|Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.|Sexual Physics}}
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[[File:Einstein oppenheimer.jpg|thumb|right|Einstein (left) explains to Oppenheimer how the [[chick]]s like it fast and rough.]]
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{{Q|Who says you can't love something that's small and finishes fast?|A T-shirt for [[WP:OS/8|OS/8]] in the 1970s}}
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'''Sexual physics''' concerns the application of [[physics]] to a receptive [[female]]. The relevance to creating relatives is well-known; but less so the relevance of [[Relativity]]. Young males tend to have sex at very high speeds for very short durations. [[Albert Einstein]]'s work warns us that sex approaching the [[speed of light]] (referred to as ''c,'' with an obvious double meaning to the "''c''-word") carries a variety of risks, many of which make [[AIDS]] seem like a mere roll in the [[hay]].
   
{{NSFWArticle}}
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==Sonic booms==
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Long before approaching ''c,'' the speed of sex would exceed ''b,'' the speed of [[sound]]. This leads to ''B'' — an enormous [[Asplode|sonic boom]], inducing your [[parent]]s to come upstairs to find out what the [[Hell]] is going on. You would be [[Erection|hard]] put to explain that the two of you were merely using your Junior [[Benzene|Chemistry Set]], having disrobed to avoid altering the pH. Some females seem to enjoy loud noises during sex, but if the partners ignore the risks and continue, the neighbors will eventually call the [[police]].
   
10. Penile length contraction:
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==Length contraction==
According to the relativistic theory of length contraction, this is an inevitable consequence of performing sex at the speed of light. An average penis of length 13cm traveling at 99% the speed of light will contract down to a length of only 1.8cm (this is about the same length as the smallest functional penis officially recorded). At the speed of light, length contraction leads to an interesting paradox in which the penis seems to have no length at all, but is still managing to have sex somehow.
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As objects approach the speed of light, their length contracts. A [[penis]], whose average length is 13cm, will at 0.99''c'' contract to a length of only 1.8cm. This is a proportion of positively [[Japanese]] proportions. In theory, two things could happen: Either the loss of penile length would reduce the speed of sex and comprise a "feedback loop," or the male would continue to accelerate and, at orgasm, would have a zero-length penis, which doesn't do anyone much good.
   
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==Necrophilia==
9. Penile black hole formation:
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Another phenomenon as velocity approaches ''c'' is that time itself dilates; that is, everything outside the passing member passes time at a faster rate during this pastime. As everyone knows whose pastime is instead to ridicule ''[[Star Trek]],'' sex approaching ''c'' would tend to make the partner age rapidly, as well as the rest of the universe. Long before one could [[climax]], one would be committing [[necrophilia]].
At the speed of light, relativity also predicts that the penis will attain infinite mass, essentially becoming a black hole. When its owner realises that his penis has turned into a black hole, he will become profoundly depressed and overcome by a feeling of loss. John Bobbitt would understand; but Mr Bobbitt had his penis sewn back on, whereas a penis lost to a black hole is a penis lost forever.
 
   
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==Black holes==
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Relativity also predicts that objects acquire additional mass as they approach the speed of light. The penis would essentially become a black hole. Instead of the [[vagina]] capturing the penis, the penis would capture the entire partner, and probably both partners and even the [[bed]]. Now, some women seem to like sex with [[African American|blacks]], and some men are repeat patrons of the so-called black holes downtown. Nevertheless, too-rapid sex could cause a feeling of loss. John Wayne Bobbitt felt it, when he ceased to feel ''it,'' from the equally risky practice of sex with [[Ecuador]]ians. Happily, Ecuadorians are notoriously bad at hiding things, and Bobbitt was sewn back together.
   
8. Penis vaporisation:
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==Resistive effects==
If the penis is not lost to a black hole, it will be lost to the uncaring force of friction. A penis traveling in and out of a vagina at close to the speed of light will be subjected to enormous resistive forces. Since resistive forces are proportional to speed, this will heat up the penis enormously. The temperature of the resulting internal environment will be so high that the penis molecules will actually undergo a phase transition into a gas, vaporising the penis almost instantaneously.
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Friction increases at high speeds. "Sexual friction" is a chronic problem, and the friction of sex near the speed of light is not even mitigated with [[KY jelly]]. As much as the woman may say she wants "hot sex," she does not want it this hot, probably. Sex at the speed of light risks ignition, explosion, and vaporization. The [[condom]], of course, would first liquefy.
   
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One imagines that [[ejaculation]] would also be harmful to the partner, because the speed of the fluid would be added to the speed of the penis. However, as one approaches the speed of light, velocities are not additive, as of course 0.75''c'' + 0.75''c'' ≠ 1.50''c.'' A hypothetical observer standing on the head of the penis and looking up would not see ejaculation at all but merely get his hypothetical feet wet, and ironically, only when wearing [[rubber]]s.
   
7. Relativistic flaming semen:
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==Excessive energy use==
In the unlikely event that a vaporised penis can perform ejaculation, then the relativistic semen will create enormous air resistance, burst into flames almost instantaneously, and generate enormous impact forces. These forces will be sufficient to pierce a small hole straight through a woman's lower torso, just like a speeding bullet, only incinerating the surrounding tissue as it passes through.
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[[File:Einsteinporn.jpg|thumb|left|The work of the famous physicist is the reason that most light-speed sex is simulated using Animatronics or [[Hentai]].]]
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The amount of energy required to accelerate the average penis to 0.99''c'' is approximately 16∙10<sup>15</sup> for each thrust. This is equivalent to the annual use of energy by the entire city of [[Arequipa, Peru]], or the amount of food energy of 78 trillion Weetabix, which is substantially more than the Recommended Daily Intake, even though the average adolescent would not want to interrupt sex to have several billion breakfasts.
   
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==Lack of visual appeal==
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None of the above physical effects of high-speed sex translate well onto the [[Silver|silver screen]]. In addition, movie critics pan high-speed sex for being "over too soon," despite modern advances in cameras that capture more than 24 frames per second. Their use in ''[[The Hobbit]]'' was successful only because all the adolescent sex was cut from that feature film. The [[porn]] industry cannot make this appealing, even with fake eyelashes and shaving of the private parts. This is why the industry does not use [[teenager]]s but instead washed-out actors and actresses in their forties.
   
6. Time-dilated necrophilia:
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==See also==
Unfortunately, the woman will probably be dead before ejaculation anyway. According to the relativistic theory of time dilation, then if the man is to actually thrust in and out at a speed infinitesimally close to the speed of light, then from his point of view, his partner will be ageing extremely quickly, and will be long dead before he ejaculates. Legally, he will be committing necrophilia.
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*[[Hairy ball theorem]]
 
 
5. Lack of visual appeal:
 
Time-dilated necrophilia, flaming relativistic ejaculation and penile black hole formation are all very dramatic, but unfortunately they don't translate well onto the big screen. In reality, relativistic sex would only last for a fraction of a second, and would appear as a sort of muddy grayish white smudge, since the eye merges all images together at such high speeds. This is probably not visually appealing enough to make a porn-at-the-speed-of-light series out of.
 
 
 
4. Religious values:
 
Certain branches of Christianity would view porn-at-the-speed-of-light immoral anyway. It's in the Bible.
 
 
 
3. Property damage:
 
A penis is made up of a collection of charged molecules, and accelerating charged molecules emit radiation. To accelerate charged penis molecules up to the speed of light in a single thrust requires enormous acceleration. This will produce a frequency and intensity of radiation similar to that produced by a small nuclear explosion. It may be worth hiring out a hotel room if you don't want your own room obliterated.
 
 
 
2. Deafening sonic booms:
 
As a penis accelerates up to the speed of light, it will inevitably surpass the sound barrier, producing deafening sonic booms with every inward and outward thrust. If the neighbours haven’t already been woken by your moaning, they will be now. Or then again maybe not, because they will be conveniently deafened and unable to hear you.
 
 
 
1. Excessive dietary requirements:
 
The amount of energy required to accelerate an average person up to 99% the speed of light for a single inward thrust is approximately equal to 16 million billion kilojoules. This is equivalent to the amount of energy gained by consuming 78 trillion weetbix. But 78 trillion weetbix will increase an average person’s mass by approximately 1.2 trillion kilograms, requiring them to eat even more weetbix just to accelerate this additional load up to the speed of light. Nine out of ten nutritionists may recommend weetbix, but this is slightly more than the recommended daily intake.
 
   
 
[[Category:Physics]]
 
[[Category:Physics]]

Latest revision as of 12:47, July 2, 2014

Einstein oppenheimer

Einstein (left) explains to Oppenheimer how the chicks like it fast and rough.

“Who says you can't love something that's small and finishes fast?”
~ A T-shirt for OS/8 in the 1970s

Sexual physics concerns the application of physics to a receptive female. The relevance to creating relatives is well-known; but less so the relevance of Relativity. Young males tend to have sex at very high speeds for very short durations. Albert Einstein's work warns us that sex approaching the speed of light (referred to as c, with an obvious double meaning to the "c-word") carries a variety of risks, many of which make AIDS seem like a mere roll in the hay.

edit Sonic booms

Long before approaching c, the speed of sex would exceed b, the speed of sound. This leads to B — an enormous sonic boom, inducing your parents to come upstairs to find out what the Hell is going on. You would be hard put to explain that the two of you were merely using your Junior Chemistry Set, having disrobed to avoid altering the pH. Some females seem to enjoy loud noises during sex, but if the partners ignore the risks and continue, the neighbors will eventually call the police.

edit Length contraction

As objects approach the speed of light, their length contracts. A penis, whose average length is 13cm, will at 0.99c contract to a length of only 1.8cm. This is a proportion of positively Japanese proportions. In theory, two things could happen: Either the loss of penile length would reduce the speed of sex and comprise a "feedback loop," or the male would continue to accelerate and, at orgasm, would have a zero-length penis, which doesn't do anyone much good.

edit Necrophilia

Another phenomenon as velocity approaches c is that time itself dilates; that is, everything outside the passing member passes time at a faster rate during this pastime. As everyone knows whose pastime is instead to ridicule Star Trek, sex approaching c would tend to make the partner age rapidly, as well as the rest of the universe. Long before one could climax, one would be committing necrophilia.

edit Black holes

Relativity also predicts that objects acquire additional mass as they approach the speed of light. The penis would essentially become a black hole. Instead of the vagina capturing the penis, the penis would capture the entire partner, and probably both partners and even the bed. Now, some women seem to like sex with blacks, and some men are repeat patrons of the so-called black holes downtown. Nevertheless, too-rapid sex could cause a feeling of loss. John Wayne Bobbitt felt it, when he ceased to feel it, from the equally risky practice of sex with Ecuadorians. Happily, Ecuadorians are notoriously bad at hiding things, and Bobbitt was sewn back together.

edit Resistive effects

Friction increases at high speeds. "Sexual friction" is a chronic problem, and the friction of sex near the speed of light is not even mitigated with KY jelly. As much as the woman may say she wants "hot sex," she does not want it this hot, probably. Sex at the speed of light risks ignition, explosion, and vaporization. The condom, of course, would first liquefy.

One imagines that ejaculation would also be harmful to the partner, because the speed of the fluid would be added to the speed of the penis. However, as one approaches the speed of light, velocities are not additive, as of course 0.75c + 0.75c ≠ 1.50c. A hypothetical observer standing on the head of the penis and looking up would not see ejaculation at all but merely get his hypothetical feet wet, and ironically, only when wearing rubbers.

edit Excessive energy use

Einsteinporn

The work of the famous physicist is the reason that most light-speed sex is simulated using Animatronics or Hentai.

The amount of energy required to accelerate the average penis to 0.99c is approximately 16∙1015 for each thrust. This is equivalent to the annual use of energy by the entire city of Arequipa, Peru, or the amount of food energy of 78 trillion Weetabix, which is substantially more than the Recommended Daily Intake, even though the average adolescent would not want to interrupt sex to have several billion breakfasts.

edit Lack of visual appeal

None of the above physical effects of high-speed sex translate well onto the silver screen. In addition, movie critics pan high-speed sex for being "over too soon," despite modern advances in cameras that capture more than 24 frames per second. Their use in The Hobbit was successful only because all the adolescent sex was cut from that feature film. The porn industry cannot make this appealing, even with fake eyelashes and shaving of the private parts. This is why the industry does not use teenagers but instead washed-out actors and actresses in their forties.

edit See also

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