Sexium

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SexiumLogo

Slightly modified (avoiding copyrights) logo of what might have been...

“Can't beat some good old fasioned sex. And frankly, there would have been no better processor for your porning needs. It could handle insane amounts of porn every second. Sensual overload. I wouldn't have used anything else. Now all I've got is the sempr0n
~ Oscar Wilde on Intel Sexium

“Giggity, Giggity, Goo!”
~ Quagmire on SEXium


The Intel Sexium was originally slated as the successor to the Pentium line. It was canceled because Intel's marketing department saw that it was actually a good chip, and might lead people to believe that Intel gives a shit. They replaced it with the Pentium II, which was just a Pentium with a higher price.

edit History of the processor

When the Pentium (fka 80586) was released, the engineers who designed knew that there were many issues, and that even if those were resolved, it still would not be able to add 2 + 2 and get a 4 every time. This was not their fault, because they were not actually involved in design, because Intel found it cheaper to hire a bunch of retarded hobos, who were paid in air. So, without the approval of any of management or marketing, they went about designing a replacement. The result was internally called the 80686, or logically Sexium. when they brought this to management's attention, they were all summarily fired, because they did not understand business. Intel did not want a good chip, because they can just as easily make money off of worthless crap. And crap needs to be upgraded more often. And just to prove that, released the Pentium II, which gave the wrong answers slightly faster, and cost a lot more, and people bought it.

edit Features of the Sexium

  • Actually gives the correct answer.
  • Knows what you want it to do before you know.
  • It's psychic.
  • Its IQ, on it's worst day, is at least 20 points above that wheel chair guy's, on his best day.
  • It eventually would have made you obsolete.

edit Trivia

  • This processor design was actually useful, but we couldn't have that now, could we?
  • After being fired for designing this processor, the entire engineering team joined a cult and proceeded to commit a ritual mass suicide.
  • The hobos who designed the Pentium were hired full time to replace the engineers who were fired. They were given a raise. In addition to air, they were now also paid in light.
  • People would definitely have bought this, if for nothing else than the awesome name.
  • By the same token, its logical successor, the Septium, would not have done any where near as well.

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