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“Johnny Rotten's a wanker, and that's all there is to it.”
The Sex Pistols, (also referred to as 'The Reproductive Firearms' by the politically correct), were a team of superheroes dedicated to the ideals of Truth, Justice, and Anarchy in the U.K. They invented the famous phrase, "Just say fuck, I already did all those drugs."
Their early history has often been overlooked, but it is a well known that, for a brief period, they were Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. Then one day, they met one man - a man of ideals and great virtue - who introduced them to drugs. Now convinced that the movement was for "wankers", they left the scene and sought new territory to put their skills to use, and so decided to enter and win the Anarchy's next top model competiton. The band consisted of Johnny Rotten singing, Sid Vicious on standing there stoned, Glenn Matlock on bass, Paul Disagreeable on guitar, Franklin Rather Unpleasant on drums, Your mom on didgeridoo and William Gentlemanly III on Nose Flute.
Sid Vicious took the rag-tag team and trained them. He taught them to use the superhuman gifts given to them by The Flying Spaghetti Monster. He taught them to believe in themselves, to believe in one another, and to believe in the power of Rock and/or Roll.
In gratitude, and because he was obviously the most talented of them all, they allowed Vicious to name them after his maternal grandfather, Sir Sexton G. Pistol McLaren (contrary to the popular belief that they are named after their magic handguns which impregnate women).
Since then, the Sex Pistols have changed the world, rebuilding London using only the power of their minds, rescuing schoolgirls from Joni Mitchell, defeating Soviet Russia, and single-handedly giving birth to many strapping young boys.
The remaining Sex Pistols now reside in the small sailing town of K'th'k't. Tragically, Sid Vicious died of boob suffocation in 1979, due to complications from the giant boob that grew on his head. Johnny Rotten's house is a cardboard box. Small children knock on his box, and then run and hide around nearby corners. "Oi," they snigger with glee as they hear him mumble "Hegutghfgeryibestads." Now there is an asshole named Glen Matlock claiming he was the bassist before Vicious. He is now dead. His charred remains are now scattered throughout the world.
Rotten, now a former Sex Pistol, founded a company named Public Image Ltd., which aims to compete with computer superstars IBM.
Aside from numerous covers of his songs by Frank Sinatra, Sid Vicious is also known for inviting Adolph Hitler to become a member of the group. Unfortunately for music fans everywhere, Mr. Hitler was already engaged in a terrible war with Great Britain, and refused to sing the lyrics to God Save the Queen, merely "on principle." Mr. Vicious promised to become a first-class anarchist in an attempt to prove his antisocial political views to a disillusioned Hitler, but to no avail.
Sid Vicious is also famous for teaching Lemmy of Motorhead to play the bass. Sid Vicious invented "lol", sneering (later stolen by Billy Idol), and the bass knife, which later was used on the infamous Bollock (see below). According to common knowledge, Vicious' Bass Lute was crafted from a single tree, grown in the orchards of Ventongimps
“That dude is one far out drummer, man.”
“I can't believe its not heroin”
“That man can fuck. And I mean REALLY fuck.”
“Sex pistol? Isn't that like a penis?”
“Mein schmunf growgen glieben.”
It has been said that the world has the Sex Pistols to blame for its constant abuse of "bollocks." As we all know, "bollocks" is really just a euphemism for "dirty, whorish sex with prepubesent polar bears." Apparently, the band became interested in this activity as a form of quasi-religious worship. It seems fairly certain that they started a cult, just so they could molest more polar bears and, in so doing, claim a large tax deduction. Though it cannot be proven, Michael Jackson is thought to have been an original member of this cult, joining primarily in the hopes of suppressing his latent pedophilic tendencies. Though it completely failed, current cult leaders (such as Fred Phelps) continue to incorporate this story into their internal dogma.
Michael Jackson was never asked to join the band, however, on account of being considered a "queer." Sid Vicious participated in his "Something Else" video, in which he is shown wearing a thong walking around his room. It is commonly known he participated in the making love to the polar bears before the video was filmed.
Of all the band members, Keith Richards was found to have ingested the smallest amount of dangerous drugs, based on average measurements of drug-to-blood ratio over time. Sid's ratio of liquid heroin to blood was well over 100:1, and at one point he had to be hospitalized when trace amounts of actual urine were found in his urine. Nevertheless, no member of the Sex Pistols ever admitted to any drug use whatsoever, and it is a certainty that drugs had no effect on their music, other than to make it much, much better of course. Nowadays a bottle of Keith's blood can get you so fucked up, you'll think you've just huffed an orange kitten.
Whom They Laid
Sid Vicious is known to have slept with 1,037 women, including The Queen (Vicious wrote "God Save The Queen" for her as a thank-you for the many nights of passionate rogering); Martha Stewart; Sharon Stone; Angelina Jolie; Margaret Thatcher; Scooby Doo; Fred Phelps; Mother Theresa (twice in one night); that hot, blonde chick that works for the D.A. on Law & Order; Laura Bush; the Bush twins (both at the same time, naturally); my ex-wife; the Lindbergh baby; Pope John Paul II's mother; your mother; Paris Hilton; and you. He also participated in a high-class threesome with John and Joan of Arc.Both Sid and Johnny had a series of threesomes with the then Princess Di, on one occasion Sid Vicious tied prince Charles to one of the pillars whilst all 4 members of the Sex Pistols had her, (Di often noted that her favourite pistol was steve jones).
This event has happened again with Kate Middleton. This time around, Sid tied Prince William to the pillar while all had Kate, with John being the soloist near the end (Kate has recently claimed that John was indeed her favorite).
Johnny Rotten's sexual claim-to-fame was a terrible scandal in which he was found to have participated in a threesome with Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. Mr. Rotten has since apologized for the incident, but has never been entirely forgiven by his fans. It is also suspected that the President gave him one of those nasty social diseases which never, ever really goes away. (Even if you get a shot.)
Little is known about the breakup of the Sex Pistols. Conspiracy theorists have long surmised that Satan himself was involved. According to rumor and conjecture, the Prince of Darkness was angry at the group for not being able to recruit Adolph Hitler to play the drums (not to mention himself as a backing dancer). Hitler and Satan had a previous association in a former decade, and were known to be good friends, and Lovers. Furthermore, when the Dark Underlord discovered that Sid was sleeping with Fred Phelps, he decided this was the last straw. (Fred and Satan have, indeed, been estranged for quite a number of years.) At any rate, it is assumed that Lucifer himself made the fatal phone call to 911 reporting the location of Sid and his then-girlfriend, Nancy Spungen (who was at the time pregnant with George W Bush Jr), as well as the quality of their heroin. The rest, as it were, is history.
Mr. Vicious goes to Purgatory
“Either he apologizes, or he can sit out there with his thumb up his ass for the rest of eternity.”
It is known for a fact that Satan reserved a special place in purgatory for Mr. Vicious, just across from the wine and cheese table. Apparently, their falling out has kept the group members from their rightful place in Eternal Damnation.
Johnny Rotten confirmed he had AIDs at a gig in London, when singer and presenter Duffy went to console Jonny Rotten about AIDS, he reportedly try to infect her, Duffy cried all night about this. Rotten has since been trying to give women AIDS and has been arrested by celophane wrapped policemen and thrown into Dartmoor prison for AIDS infectors, he is roommates with Richard Dawkins and Osama Bin Laden.
The rest of the Sex pistols have confirmed that they haven't got AIDS but an investigation by the BBC has revealed there may be liquid AIDS present with the sex pistols, Barack Obama has endorsed this find and hopes that the sex Pistols won't thrust anyone.
Sex Pistols Facts
- Sid Vicious liked to find the smallest cock and shove it into his ear.
- The Sex Pistols started the great fire of London in 1666.
- The Sex Pistols wrote the Bible in 369 A.D. as a funny hoax.
- It is a little known fact that whilst Jesus Christ was supposed to be spending 40 days in the desert, Malcom Maclaren had actually persuaded him to flog his arse as a rent boy in London's Charing Cross.
- The Sex Pistols were solely responsible for the Lindberg kidnapping.
- Johnny Rotten prefers the pronounciation 'Sax Peystels' to the classical 'Sex Pistols'. He's English after all.
- Margaret Thatcher once wanted to have sex with Johnny Rotten, but was denied on account of being a hermaphrodite.
- The Sex Pistols once took credit for all the wars which have occurred in the Middle East, but this was an exaggeration.
- Johnny Rotten's will states that his heirs will not receive a penny unless they put a hyperdermic needle, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a photo of his favourite escort in his coffin.
- Adolph Hitler still performs covers of 'Anarchy in the U.K.', but only in German.
- Historical members of the Sex Pistols included Lord Byron, Oscar Wilde, Nostradamus, Judas Iscarriot, Jesus Christ, Pontious Pilate, and William Shakespeare.
- 80% of Johnny Rotten's fingers are, in fact, snakes.
- When Jesus Christ was 32, he saw the light, became baptised in Holy Sex Pistol Sauce and carried through one of the worlds greatest practical jokes which has left a legacy which lasted thousands of years. The Sex Pistols were very happy with this.
- Johnny Rotten was in fact Jesus' cousin Johnny Christ, AKA John the Baptist, who came by the nickname due to his penchant for bathing unsuspecting nobles in his semen, not to mention his talent for encouraging the nobility to partake in this custom.
- Thomas Edison invented the cell phone for the sole purpose of being able to download a Sex Pistols' ringtone.
- One day in B.C. 1, whilst touring the middle east Johnny, Steve and Paul saw a wonderfully bright star high in the west quadrant of the night sky. "This is a sign of something truly wonderful, which will have enormous effects on mankind for the rest of eternity..." began Johnny, Paul wished he hadnt asked Johnny to be chief lyricist, Steve replied..."Bollocks!"
- Maddox was the band song writer, until he got bored and started kicking children in the head. 'Cos Maddox is just that awesome.
- Terri Schaivo went comatose due to seeing the size of Vicious' penis.
- Steve Jones used to have a habit of wanking into hot meat sandwiches. (No shit, this is actually true. It's mentioned in Rotton's autobiography. What a dirty fucker.)
- Steve Jones invented the tradition of Christmas.
- Vicious was born Sid Dwendelthorpe III on a substantial country farm in Herefordshire to wealthy and vaguely ennobled colonial parents. Delivered by the family's attendant nurse, a small nuke sadly obliterated their remote mansion and landplots. Sid was miraculously uninjured and put up for adoption. Prospective father Oscar Wilde was to save the boy from an incontrovertible future of direst poverty, but it was "roll around in a bag of straw" day and so he could not collect the child then.
- The sheer amount of drugs in Vicious' body allowed him to survive simultaneously being pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris (they weren't particularly big fans), however it was the fallout from this catastrophic event that is believed to have killed Nancy, not the flamethrower that Vicious originally claimed.
- On December 25th 1 B.C., Johnny dragged his Aunty Mary, who had been looking after his middle eastern property, and was about to give birth, into the cowshed because he didn't want her ruining the carpets etc she later gave birth to his cousin Jesus.
- Steve was much taken with little Jesus, Johnnys little cousin, and every year on Jesus' birthday Steve would dress up in a red suit and present the little lad with a delicious hot turkey sandwich with some of Steves homemade sauce. In order to keep the sandwich hot steve wrapped this sandwich in tin foil, this is where the custom of wrapping presents in wrapping paper came from.
- It is believed that Oscar Wilde and Henry Kissinger were invited to join the band in 1537 by Johnny Rotten and his eleventh spouse Bernice Juach III (the harmonica player at the time, as well), Vicious, having bad memories of Wilde and Kissinger instantly summoned all of the Weapons, killed them and defeated the Elite Four all within three seconds just to show the two that he could hurt them. This, of course ended up beginning the Enlightenment several years later.
- Despite popular belief, the first Holy Roman Emperor was not Otto I, but Sid Vicious (who also held the position of Pope, every cardinal and every archbishop and at the same time being more outspoken of an Atheist than Penn Jillette) was.
- Viacom is actually a daughter company of Sid Vicious.
- Nobody actually knows that Steve Jones and Paul Cook were also in the fucking band, not just Johnny and Sid.
- Anthony Smith was a wild animal in the 16th century believed to live for 121 years. Its mating time was believed to last 5 days and 5 hours, where the animal went through 789 females and had 1.6 million orgasms. However, there was a down side as this animal also liked to mate with human females, who were believed to be witches, as the nightly screams of pleasure were horrendous. The tip of the 'rod' had special sensory cells allowing it to locate the g-spot and stimulate it by the means of chemicals and semen. Unfortunately, a homosexual got grips of Anthony (name believed to be Tom Sumner) where Anthony was raped and died of shock. However, one hybrid offspring of Anthony Smith, in the human form, still exists, he has the same qualities. Where is he?
In late 2005, a best of album of the Sex Pistols was released, titled "The Problem is You, Here's The Best of the Sex Pistols" The Graphics of the album were applauded for including four different colours including lemon and gold.The twelve featured songs included; "Seventeen" , "Bodies" , and "Electric and Musical Industries Ltd" (otherwise known as "E(and).M.I.(Ltd)"). The album was released to coincide with the Queen's Birthday, and was presented to her majesty gift-wrapped in white, red, and blue striped paper (not to be confused with Wally's long-sleeve off "Where's Wally" (or Waldo for those whom don't speak Australianese)). It was later found discarded with some of her other standard presents such as socks and humour mugs with quotes such as, "You don;t have to be MAD to work here but it helps!!!"