Several interpretations of that day's events
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The following are several interpretations of that day's events.
edit The man
So, there I was, just waxing my ass for the bitch, thinking she'd like it. Anderson Cooper was on. God I love that man. I mean, show. But it was distracting me a little, so the wax job wasn't perfect. Whatever, right? Then I put my pants back on and start waiting for the bitch to get home, like I'm not expecting anything out of it.
When the whore gets home, we just start making out all over the place when I pulled down my drawers and tell the bitch to eat my ass. She starts doing it and I'm all "damn, I'm the luckiest guy in the world." Then, out of nowhere the bitch says, "Nigga! You got a damn hair down here! It's like Chaozu from Dragon Ball Z's head! Bald with one hair! So fuckin' disgusting! I'm leaving your ass!"
My heart was crushed.
After the court-proceeding finished up, I was left homeless, out-of-work, and I haven't been able to find my pants.
edit The woman
So, I was at work. Ya know, waitressing and all that. Not fun. I get a text from my sexy man-God saying he had a surprise for me when I get home. That made me happy. I thought he had bought me that new Mercedes I asked for. He's rich, but I wasn't in it for the money.
When I get home, I find, to my dismay, no Mercedes. So then I go inside and find him, ass-facing the door and bent over the couch. He's yelling "EAT ME!! EAT ME NAOW!" I ran into the bathroom crying. After an hour or so of crying in the bathroom, I rush out of the house with his pants. Then, I went to my mom and she gave me the number to a divorce lawyer.
Happiest day of my life.
edit The mother-in-law
Yes, so I was just watching Horatio, the Mexican pool-boy, when my whiny daughter comes over and starts complaining about something. I think it was her husband. I wasn't paying any attention to her. I was entranced by Horatio's giant pecks and the way he was handling that rake. My daughter just wouldn't shut up about her husband's hairy ass, though, so I decided to give her the number to my divorce attorney and told her to beat it. I didn't need Horatio seeing her and trying to comfort her. I only want him to comfort me.
Now get out of here. I'm trying to tan and you're in my sun.
edit The judge
So there I was in the courtroom doing my whole "Look at me everybody! I'm such an awesome judge! WOOOOOOOOOOOSH!" cause being a plane is cool when all of a sudden some whiny lady, her divorce attorney, and her pant-less husband bursts in and start yelling about Dragon Ball Z and Mercedes or something, so I'm all like, "WOAH! Shut the fuck up!"
I went ahead and gave the woman half of the guy's stuff cause she had boobies. I like boobies. Wanna see me be a plane? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
So there I was, reading My Little Goat with all the little kids and stuff, right? Suppose to be a good day. Then this guy comes up, whispers in my ear, "Mr. President, the Twin Towers have just been attacked by terrorists. There probably won't be any survivors." Then he slips me his number and says, "I'm here if you need a big strong man to cry to." I sat there stunned silent for an hour.
Not only did Osama bin Laden fuck up my presidency that day, but my manhood was taken later that night.
Wait, that wasn't the day I was suppose to talk about?
I may be a nice little old lady, but I used to perform with The Aristocrats. I poured boiling hot water down my grandson's pants.